Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
When I went off to summer camp as a kid, it was its own world. Contact with people back home happened through handwritten letters and the occasional brief coin-funded phone call. It was a chance for me and my fellow campers to try on new selves, unhampered by the expectations of those who already knew us. Camp’s not like that anymore; everyone’s got cellphones and email and stays mostly stuck in their at-home selves, because they never really leave them behind. You’re similarly limited. Too many ties are strapping you into who you were. To become who you want to be, you’ve got to find a way to shake them off, if only temporarily. This week is a fantastic time to attempt just that.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Something you’ve believed in and advocated for a long time will finally be put to the test this week. You’ll also be subject to a kind of test yourself. What I mean is, you won’t stand or fall with the success or failure of whatever you put your money on. It’s bigger than that. It’s also an examination of self-faith as well as your willingness to question yourself, your convictions, and your goals. The true trial is whether you continue to believe in it regardless of the actual outcome, and—even more important—whether or not that’s really a good thing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
What’s a dynamic, open-minded explorer like you doing getting stuck in a routine? I’m not talking your schedule, which is probably as wild and semi-unpredictable as it always was. I’m referring to your communication routines; you’re used to getting your ideas across in certain ways, and because you’re pretty articulate, you rarely (or never) use other methods. Well, this is a good week to try some new techniques, because your usual means aren’t working. Draw a picture, do some interpretive dance, stage an intervention. Do whatever it takes to convey what you have in mind, because it’s just that important.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If anyone’s familiar with feeling like an outsider, it’s you. Even in group situations where you can logically conclude that you’re most definitely not an outsider—like your own family—you still somehow often manage to feel like one. Perhaps you need to do this to yourself; maybe it’s some kind of weird identity thing. Personally, I don’t get it, but I’m not about to pass judgment on it, either. Whatever the case, this week you’re going to come face-to-face with this self-enforced paradigm. I don’t know if you’ll decide it’s useless and just holding you back, or fundamental to who you are. How you deal with it is up to you; just be assured you’ll probably have no choice.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Pigs aren’t as cuddly as dogs or cats, but they’re just as smart; some say they’re better at reasoning, recall, and problem-solving than most human three-year-olds. Aquarians are similar; at first glance you aren’t quite as malleable and adoring as your fellow Air signs, the Librans, or as vivacious and fun-loving as those zany Geminis, but if people take the time to look closer, you actually suit what they’re looking for, most of the time, better than your flashier astrological cousins. The trick isn’t increasing your flash factor, it’s convincing people to stick around long enough to realize that they not only don’t need that glam surface stuff, but they’re better off without it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You may have as much anxiety as excitement regarding the long-anticipated events of this week, but I hope you focus consciously on the latter, not the former, because you actually have very little reason to be afraid, and many thrilling possibilities to look forward to. In fact, the more positive and fearless you are in your approach, the more that’ll be rewarded with exactly what you wish for and dream about. Smile, breathe deep, and stride boldly forward into the chaos of all that’s going on this week. It’ll be fun, really—as long as you let it be. Lose the fear. Enjoy the ride.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Every Aries child’s favorite phrase is a riff on, “Just leave me alone!” The irony is you’re among the most social creatures in the zodiac, and even though you can approach hermit-like solitude when you seek alone-time, you absolutely need people whenever you’re not in one of those brief phases. The problem with people is they often intrude when they’re not welcome, and are absent when you most desperately require them. Luckily, that’s simply not the case this week; when you need your space, you’ll have it. When you’re ready to rejoin the party, it’ll just be hitting its peak.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Presentation, in this case, is everything. You can make a case for preposterous bullshit like humans having lived with dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden if you are articulate and convicted, and a certain subset of your audience will buy into it, hook, line, and sinker. On the other hand, you could also present a well-reasoned theory of evolution, backed by the scientific community and cartloads of evidence, but if you do it in a way that’s tedious and whiny, you’ll lose a percentage of your audience. It sucks, I know, that some people are so inept at critical thinking, but that’s the reality of the situation. At the moment, lame as it is, it doesn’t matter so much what you say as how you say it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
That whole angel on one shoulder, devil on the other cliché is sort of apropos this week, only their counsel isn’t so starkly moralistic; it’s more subtlety versus brute force. It’s a tough decision, and even I can’t tell you which method will work best to get you into the situation you desire: talking your way in, or just shoving past whatever opposition attempts to stand against you. Neither one really has much of an ethical advantage over the other, either, so that leaves you with only a couple of considerations: Since either method is equally likely to work, and both are morally ambiguous, which one will be the most fun? That, of course, is the one you should employ.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I know Cancers who find ways to blame their frequent emotionality on being drunk, or worse, actually get drunk a lot so as to have that camouflage. I know we live in a world where crying and cackling and raging and any kind of extreme expression of emotion just isn’t really okay. But the fact is, those things are very human, whatever we pretend to the contrary, and they’re especially Cancerian. The trick to making our future one where it’s okay just to be you isn’t to find ways to disguise or make excuses for it. Just be it. No embarrassment. No apologies.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
From here it sort of looks like you’ve retreated to the moral low ground and dug in, preparing to make your stand there. I’m not sure why, to be absolutely honest, you’d adopt such a lame, losing strategy, especially because the position you’re trying to defend, while not exactly Top 40 popular, is hardly devoid of ethical value. Marshal the courage of your convictions. They’re valid and worthy of respect and consideration from everyone, even if they won’t ultimately agree with them. By forcefully advocating what you believe in this week, you won’t win over many converts, but you will win their respect.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Sorry, no time to write you a proper horoscope. I’m dying to reorganize my bookshelves. Maybe after that I’ll sort the Tupperware in the kitchen. I’ve noticed the houseplants desperately need pruning, and if I give the bathtub a scrub I’ll actually feel okay about taking a bath—should I ever have time to do so…. I know all these busy things you get up to feel important, but sometimes you must admit you use them to keep yourself from having to deal with stuff that’s truly much more important, if possibly harder to properly address. Notice that this week, then put aside your busy-work so you can actually deal with it.
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