By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Anyone who drives around blasting music at ridiculous levels is an idiot. How presumptuous and obnoxious can you be? It’s not like they’re trying to expose us to some fantastic music—it’s so loud it’s distorted; all you can hear is the bone-shaking bass. The good news: None of these losers is a Libra. The bad news: When you’re forced to deal with this kind of asshole this week, you won’t be able to slap some sense into them. Whether it’s your sister’s new lover or your landlord’s kid, it’s just not going to be politic to give them a piece of your mind—so please don’t try.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Siberia’s Lake Baikal is the deepest freshwater lake in the world; its volume equals all 5 Great Lakes combined, holding 20% of the planet’s surface freshwater. Of course, there’s no way of knowing that just by looking at it. You know what people see when they don’t really know you? Some freak who’s mildly obsessed with sex and death. They have no idea about the vast repositories of hard-won wisdom you possess, or that you’re only interested in sex and death because they’re undeniably real. The world desperately needs a reality check, and you’re the only one with enough perspective to go around. You’ve got your work cut out for you; better get started.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

If I weren’t such a slob, I’d sweep my apartment every day; because of my eternally shedding hound, that’s how often it needs it. But I live with dog hair because I don’t give a shit. You get that, don’t you? After all, you live with loads of stuff that’s less than convenient, because it’s easier than eradicating it from your life. Your laidback attitude isn’t shared by everyone you meet, however. For instance, most neat-freaks wouldn’t want to live with me because I’m so lax about the dog hair. I don’t mind, but you might—since the person you want to step in the door is reluctant for similar reasons, you might want to actually consider cleaning up some of the mess.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Sometimes it sucks to be a Capricorn; your drive for stability and success often makes you sacrifice opportunities for immediate happiness. You want fun, love, and loads of screwing as much as the next person, but you just don’t let yourself go there much of the time. Sure, you’re setting yourself up for a nice future, but what if disaster strikes before your plans ripen? And even if it doesn’t, how fun will abundant sex be when you’re that much older and fatter? I’m not saying throw it all away in the name of instant gratification. But letting some of it slide for that reason would be less of a mistake than you think.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Old-school alchemists pursued the elixir of life (which could extend human lifespans indefinitely) because they believed it possible. They simply didn’t know how much they didn’t know. Please don’t be offended if I suggest you’re in a similar position. At least one of your aspirations is as absurd as creating a potion of eternal youth, even if it doesn’t look that way from where you’re standing. You’ll see. I mention it not so you stop pursuing it, but so you won’t be so disappointed when it’s proven impossible that you fail to notice all the cool shit you discovered and accomplished along the way.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here. You’re trying to riff on something that’s been done a million times; don’t waste your time starting from scratch and making unnecessary mistakes that have already been resolved. In the past this approach has occasionally taught you something new that no one’s noticed before—thanks to your unique way of looking at the world—but this time that’s just plain unlikely. There’s something to be achieved here, but only by building on the work that’s already been done, not redoing it yourself. You’re the gorgeous delicious cherry on top of the cake; jump right to that, and don’t waste time grinding the flour.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Admit it: you like to be in charge. It galls you to let someone else call the shots, and if you’re in a position where you absolutely have to submit to someone else’s will, you rebel in countless little ways. It sure doesn’t come naturally to you to roll over and bare your neck, but it’s a good exercise in trust—especially if someone deserves and desires it. There are pleasures in submission you haven’t yet explored. Won’t you check that aspect of life out, even if only as a short-term game? I think you’d get off on it—and I mean that literally as well as figuratively.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Everyone notices different kinds of details and lets others slip by completely. If you ask me what someone was wearing the other day, I could only guess—I never retain that kind of information unless it’s extremely surprising or notable in some way. But I could give you intimate descriptions regarding their eyes, the shapes of their faces, mouth, hair, and so on. You are more observant than most, but you have your blind spots too; there’s some important—in retrospect you might even consider it vital—information lurking in one right now. Get someone to help you find and notice it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It’s hard to describe weeks like this one, which will be infested with little things that will either mildly annoy or amuse you, but not really piss you off, or make you scream with laughter. I think of these middling periods as good practice time. Turn up the gain on your sense of humor. Try to find ways to smile at the petty shit that would normally irritate you. You’ll find the stuff that’d make you smile before could now potentially make you laugh out loud. Sure, people will think you’re crazier than they did, but so what? You’ve never cared about that shit. Crazier? So be it, as long as you’re happier, too.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I’m no anti-capitalist. By all means, you should go out and make some dough. But don’t let it conflict too much with your own short- and long-term happiness, which is something I lately suspect you of doing. I think there should be a maximum ceiling on how long you let yourself be miserable, especially when it comes to just making money. There are ways and there are ways. If you really think sacrificing your wellbeing and capacity for joy just to receive a pitifully small paycheck is your only option, you’re not being creative or resourceful enough. You’re probably underestimating yourself, too. Let this week be the end to that bullshit, and the beginning of a chapter where profit and happiness can coexist.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leos are generous. But they’re not exceptionally practiced (at least not until after they hit their 40s) at sacrifice. It’s all well and good to take care of yourself first, then extravagantly share the rest with others. But every once in a while it’s a valuable exercise to go without so that someone else can benefit—especially if you can do so without making a big ego deal out of it. While I’m talking about making a sacrifice I’ll mention this, too: a one-off is fine, if that’s all you can manage. But a regular habit would be far, far better.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

As a writer, I always have to figure out how to edit my words, boil and distill them to their most concise and potent substance. It’s not just a matter of fitting into a certain space, although that’s a consideration (certainly with an astrology column). It’s also about holding people’s interest, speaking with an authentic voice, and not wasting people’s time with too much unnecessary information or bullshit. You’ve got a lot of fluff floating around right now. You’re losing credibility by sharing every minute and mundane detail of your existence. That’s not intimacy, that’s over-familiarity. Figure out what’s important and fascinating about your life; share that, and mostly edit out the rest.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]