By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Former Oscar winner Cher is shown in this March 18, 1999 photo. An upscale fashion boutique called Mr. Charles prevented Cher's personal assistant from making a credit card purchase with Cher's credit card when she could not produce a photo ID. Cher later visited the store, Tuesday, Sept. 7, 1999, made several purchases and gave tickets to the Mr. Charles staff. (AP Photo/Michael Stephens)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Fix the drip on your kitchen tap, or seal that drafty bedroom window. You can do any number of little things this week that will make your house feel safer, more secure, and more comfortable; in other words, more like a haven. You need security more than you think. It’s far more achievable than you ever imagined. Yeah, it’s never going to be perfect, but it could be a lot better than it is, with a minimum of effort.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Bad relationship patterns, like insomnia, can easily spiral out of control. You have trouble sleeping one night. The next night, you worry about having insomnia again, and you do. The third night, it’s worse, because you’ve already had two sleepless nights. The same thing can happen in a relationship. You hit a bump in the road that’s like one you’ve experienced before, with someone else. That affair ended badly, so you start worrying about this one. Your fearfulness feeds into distrust instead of feelings of connection and fun, and before you know it, the road is riddled with potholes that weren’t there before. You hit a bump? Slam on the gas, not the brakes.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancers are fanatically loyal to their families — tragically, the feeling’s not always mutual. What some Cancers see as protective love, others can view as stifling control. For some people, stuff like politics, practicalities, and the need for privacy can get in the way. Nothing’s likely to change this week about who’s close to you, and who’s not. It’s an ideal time to come to terms with the shape your family’s in, good or bad, and assess whether improving it is in your power. If not, best to let it go, no?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Movin’ on up… You could have that deluxe apartment in the sky, or its metaphorical equivalent, provided you roll up your sleeves and put in some effort. You have the chance to network with big fish from reservoirs larger than your tiny pond. It’s time to get out there and sell yourself—but be careful. Some people grab the spotlight, and feel like they have to put on a show to justify it. Resist that urge. You’re already larger than life; adding drama will make you gaudy and unlikable. Be absolutely real. That’s all you need: your normal everyday self and a bright light. Try it. You’ll shine.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Get the hell outside. Your apartment is clean enough. There’s an exciting world out there. It may even be in need of some of your energy, but that’s not important. What matters is what you need, whether you realize it or not: thrills, new experiences, inspiring people. All you have to do is go out and find them. It may take some work, so don’t give up and go back to organizing all your stuff when nothing jumps out at you on your five-minute walk around the block. Go to where the energy is. You’ll find what you’re looking for and then some.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

New York’s full of rats; San Francisco, raccoons. Los Angeles plays host to coyote. Berlin has foxes. Each of these species has carved out its modern existence by successfully adapting to new circumstances and environments. I mention these animals—often referred to as “pests”—because their strengths are yours. You have the adaptability to survive and thrive in swiftly changing situations—sometimes you don’t let yourself do it. Go with the flow; it’s nature’s way. Being on the endangered species list isn’t as glamorous as it sounds.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Don’t go rushing off to don an emotional suit of armor and pick weapons. Instead, go naked into the fray and see what happens. One of your intimate relationships is at a turning point. You’ll either fall (or explode) apart, perhaps never to come together again, or you’ll achieve a new level of closeness and trust. Getting to that enviable place will involve some emotional cleansing; a sort of scouring of built-up interpersonal grunge. Don’t guarantee estrangement; leave your shields and catapults behind. Yeah, that means your “enemy” can get near enough to tear out your hair, but also close enough to kiss and make up.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I know you’re a good-hearted, forthright, trustworthy person. But most Sags, especially when they’re young, take a lot more than they give. This can lead to habits that get you into trouble in more serious long-term relationships. At some point your partner will demand some balancing of the scales. If they’re asking for more from you, don’t get defensive. Chances are, you owe it to them. Maybe not; only you can judge what you’re able and willing to give. If there’s any doubt, give your loved one its benefit.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This is a crappy time to look far into your future, because whatever brightness lies there will be obscured by the mountains of little shit stacked in front of you. It’s overwhelming, but try not to let it get to you. Make lists, organize yourself, and resolve to never give up, lest you’re buried in the mess. Diligence and discipline are two of your strengths, and you’ll need them now. Don’t worry about next year, next month, or even next week. You’ve got enough work on your plate right this second.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re a virgin, about to let yourself be deflowered. No, that’s too passive. You’re a virgin, about to go out and screw the hell out of someone. That’s more accurate. I’m using sex as a metaphor; I know you’re not really a virgin. It’s important you choose well on this new frontier. What (or who) you do now could be important in the future, and affect everything that comes after. Make sure you get off to a good start, or you’ll never get to the finish line at the end of this particular path.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

The reason for your recent voracious hunger is easy—you’ve been preparing for a metamorphosis. Just like a cute caterpillar, you devour everything you can get your mouth around, until the overwhelming urge to hide in a cozy chrysalis hits you. Your periodic cocooning is normal, and necessary, despite the world’s loud demands. This is all part of every Pisces’ natural cycle. The longer and deeper you can immerse yourself in your practice of resurrection, the bigger, brighter, and more beautiful your wings will be when you emerge.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re a pillow at the moment: all soft, receptive and squishy. Unfortunately, when some people encounter something so malleable, all they want to do is punch it, throw it around, sit on it, or use it to muffle their farts. Your challenge, despite this harsh treatment, is to avoid growing a crusty hard shell or filling your insides with bricks; take all this abuse with good grace. Become bigger than it by absorbing it but still retaining your fluffy, amiable shape, and welcoming attitude. Eventually, you’ll find someone who appreciates this side of you.

Celebrity Birthdays

Bob Saget: May 17, 1956

Tina Fey: May 18, 1970

Sam Smith: May 19, 1992

Cher: May 20, 1946 (pictured)

Mr. T: May 21, 1952

Ginnifer Goodwin: May 22, 1978

Bray Wyatt: May 23, 1987

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Former Oscar winner Cher is shown in this March 18, 1999 photo. An upscale fashion boutique called Mr. Charles prevented Cher’s personal assistant from making a credit card purchase with Cher’s credit card when she could not produce a photo ID. Cher later visited the store, Tuesday, Sept. 7, 1999, made several purchases and gave tickets to the Mr. Charles staff. (AP Photo/Michael Stephens)
http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/web1_AP99031801017-1.jpgFormer Oscar winner Cher is shown in this March 18, 1999 photo. An upscale fashion boutique called Mr. Charles prevented Cher’s personal assistant from making a credit card purchase with Cher’s credit card when she could not produce a photo ID. Cher later visited the store, Tuesday, Sept. 7, 1999, made several purchases and gave tickets to the Mr. Charles staff. (AP Photo/Michael Stephens)
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To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

Celebrity Birthdays

Bob Saget: May 17, 1956

Tina Fey: May 18, 1970

Sam Smith: May 19, 1992

Cher: May 20, 1946 (pictured)

Mr. T: May 21, 1952

Ginnifer Goodwin: May 22, 1978

Bray Wyatt: May 23, 1987