By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Use your vacation time. You’ve been hoarding it for what? Take the week off; you have the chance to have a blast with those you love. The weather may not be perfect and your coworkers won’t appreciate it, but so what? Screw it. The timing’s right to do fun things that’ll have meaning and resonance for years to come; this won’t be true in August or whenever you planned on taking your two weeks. If your boss knew how much you’d get out of five paid days away, they’d give you their blessing. Of course, they’re clueless now so you’ll have to go without; once they’ve seen the good it’s done you, they’ll bequeath it retroactively.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re royalty, lately. You may even be mistaken for a Leo, the way you’ve been smoothly seducing everyone you meet, sometimes snubbing your best friends to do so. Your regal pursuit of your own desires is fine. But if you’re going to act like a monarch, you must learn the lesson every Leo learns, eventually: Even a king is merely servant to the people he rules. It’s hard for people to get or stay mad at you, but your friends may find it a whole lot easier soon. A few dignified apologies, belated invitations, and a heartfelt phone call or two will go a long way towards averting a revolt.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It’s not easy being pregnant. That odd feeling you’re experiencing is a strange choice, regarding your developing offspring (a wild new idea destined to have a life of its own): You could painlessly bring it into the world now while it’s still small and helpless, but it’ll be as ugly as a newborn kangaroo and need extensive care, nurture, and protection to survive in this harsh world. Or, you could carry it in your head and quietly allow it to develop there for a few months or years until it finally, painfully, drops into this life like an open-eyed, furry little baby goat, who is walking (and playing) on his own within minutes. The choice is yours.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

A short circuit happens when electricity leaps along an unintended path, one with low resistance. In a machine, this can be disastrous, resulting in overheating or explosions. But in a human being it can be wondrous, if alarming (and occasionally destructive). You can’t prepare for one of these things; by their very nature they always catch you by surprise. Eyes meet across the room, or you wake from a dream, or you just have a flash of inspiration, and sparks fly. Is it a stroke, a burst of genius or a moment of profound, unstoppable connection? You may not have one of these this week, but you’re primed for one in the next few months. You can’t stop it from happening, so don’t try. What you do with its effects after the fact, though, is entirely up to you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgos are grand masters of self-torture. That’s sad; I wish you could just quit this inane practice. Instead of punishing yourself for worrying (which I agree, you do way too much of), smile. Force yourself to laugh in the face of your own ludicrous anxiety. Worrying is astrologically illegal this week. The more confident and less distressed you are, the less cause you’ll have to worry. And, of course, the opposite is true. To make up for any karmic accidents or paranoid fantasies, paste a grin on your face and act like a Leo. I guarantee you’ll get a lion’s share of the results.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libras are the most-hated signs in the zodiac. Nearly everyone despises you and treats you with malicious duplicity, smiling to your face and leering at the back of your head, and talking shit about you whenever you’re out of earshot. J/K. Hopefully you’ve realized that I’m just giving you shit. I’m messing with you. Sorry, I was compelled by astrological forces to do so, forces most of the people around you will be subject to as well. Wear your thickest skin this week, because people are apt to play mind games and poke at your defenses. Most of it’s meant in good fun and shouldn’t be taken seriously, but it could still hurt if you’re unprepared.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Go ahead, ask them to marry you already. After last week’s misery, you’re probably incredibly relieved simply to have survived. But now’s not necessarily the time to chill out. The door’s open to make your relationship more serious—in a good way. Whether that means marriage or kids or moving in together or what—that’s your deal. Anyway, don’t worry; if it’s just not the time, this door will swing open again next spring, too. If you don’t want to wait a year, though, act immediately; you won’t soon have a better chance of getting an “I do” than you do, right now.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sagittarians are subject to an invisible wind that compels them to keep moving, Even if it’s only speculative or imaginary, no Sagittarian can be happy without frequent exploration of new experiences. The nippy breeze that’s been blowing through your hair is about to surge to hurricane force, propelling you to get lost for the most inane motivations you’ve considered in a year. Before you hop on a cross-country train to go buy a new hat, or fly to Europe for an easy lay, take my advice: Don’t. If you can indulge yourself locally for the next couple months, you’ll be setting yourself up for a grand adventure this summer, one that really matters.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When was the last time you saw in color? I mean really noticed the blue of the sky, the green of a leaf, or the pink of your lover’s tongue? Sometimes it takes someone or something to wake you up, make you realize that up until that moment, you’d been seeing the world in black and white. Suddenly, scarlet spills into the skin of the apple, mahogany floods the eyes of the person who awakened you, saffron unfolds in the center of the daisy. Whether it’s been minutes or months since you’ve truly felt alive, your shades of gray are about to go technicolor again.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

This isn’t a good week to shop or otherwise acquire anything new, even if it’s only new to you. It is a good week to get rid of stuff, though. You know you have way more than you can use. Finish the last of your spring cleaning by eliminating this clutter. Bestow your most precious but least-used possessions on your friends. The challenge is to convert every useless piece of bric-a-brac and too-tight clothing into a valuable commodity, by careful selection and matching of item to friend. The rewards for your success include not only a cleaner, less cluttered home and the gratitude of your surprised friends, but also a saner, less, flaky head.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

In India, they have laughing clubs, to help people improve their mental, spiritual, and physical health through laughter. No jokes or comedy are involved. Someone just starts chuckling, and allows the natural contagion of boisterous mirth to spread to the entire group. They say that fifteen minutes of belly laughter can add years back onto your life. Since you’ve been so diligently pursuing activities that’ll probably only cost you time in the end, why not insert yourself into a situation or two that might have you rolling with those deep, from-the-gut guffaws that make you feel so good?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The phone pouts silently in the corner. The sullen mailbox spits only junk and bills in your direction. Your computer stews wordlessly on your desk. So you’re feeling neglected by the world? Maybe your situation isn’t as extreme as the one I propose, but can you think of a few people you really ought to keep in better touch with? Your assignment: This week, contact at least one person per day that deserves your attention. Your incentive: If you get in touch with seven semi-forgotten friends, I promise: Your apartment won’t be frozen in time, surrounded by an impassable barrier of thorny roses, and you may get your prince(ss) without all the hassle.

Celebrity Birthdays

Eric Church: May 3, 1977

Erin Andrews: May 4, 1978

Adele: May 5, 1988

George Clooney: May 6, 1961

Devin Sola: May 7, 1990

Enrique Iglesias: May 8, 1975

Billy Joel: May 9, 1949


To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

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To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

Celebrity Birthdays

Eric Church: May 3, 1977

Erin Andrews: May 4, 1978

Adele: May 5, 1988

George Clooney: May 6, 1961

Devin Sola: May 7, 1990

Enrique Iglesias: May 8, 1975

Billy Joel: May 9, 1949