By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re a big monkey. That’s not so bad, though. Orangutans, for example, live in complete collusion with their environment. They eat fruit, spilling seeds and nutrient-rich shit all over the forest, helping ensure its continued growth and renewal. Humans, at least as a race, are more or less a virus, without much hope of living in harmony with the land. At best, we aim for minimal impact. The bad news you already know: This planet-consumption will proceed apace. The good news: Forget minimal impact; you Bulls have the best chance of having more of a positive than a negative effect on everything you touch this week.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Pry. Be nosy. Snoop, sneak, and persistently ask difficult questions. You can worm any secret out of anyone this week. Why wouldn’t you? Knowledge is power, and I trust you with it. (Mostly.) Enough to impart this kind of advice, anyway. You’re the best kind of spy this week, because you’re working only for yourself (and, of course, in some part of your subconscious, the betterment of the whole human race). There’s tons of juicy, important dirt out there, and someone’s bound to dig it up eventually. Why shouldn’t it be you, and sooner rather than later?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your sex life is (or has been recently, at least) a rich complicated blend of flavors and textures, a virtual edible tapestry, right? Not so much. It may have seemed that way at the time, but the delicious new complexities you’ll have the opportunity to sample this week will make your former diet seem as bland and inoffensive as tofu. Luckily, bean curd soaks up whatever you put it with, so start marinating, baby. Drink in some of the spicy new ideas the cosmos has plunged you into. By the time this chapter is over, I don’t expect you to have simply tried a few new dishes; I anticipate, instead, that you’ll write a whole new cookbook.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re already larger than life. This week, due to the gaggle of celestial influences on your sign, you have the potential to be at least three times louder, four times as influential, and get five times as much attention as you’re used to. Now that everyone’s listening to you, be positive you know exactly what you’re saying. Since more people are subject to your will than at any time since last summer, make sure your instigation is properly thought out. Lastly, make sure you’re getting all this attention for all the right reasons, and none of the wrong ones.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Western society tends to view the heart as the seat of the emotions, but many other cultures say the root of intense feelings is actually the liver. They may have a point: It outweighs the heart and is made of softer stuff—heart tissue is pretty tough. You’ve been pretty tough lately, too. Do you really need to be so rugged? Might I suggest taking a break from feeling everything with your sturdy, efficient heart, and switch to experiencing your emotions from a sloppier, softer organ? Repeat after me: I love you with all my liver.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Ah, springtime, when a young person’s fancy turns to lust. This time of year is chock full of sweet temptations that might divert your attention from the primary object of your desire. Libras are notoriously likely to flirt outrageously with anyone and everyone. Spring fever adds extra momentum to your pseudo-seductions, inertia you may not be aware of. Imagine your flirtation as a long train, pushing over a steep hill. You have to start braking well before the whole thing is over the top, or you’ll race out of control to the bottom, and end up between the sheets. This might not be a bad thing, I’m just warning you so you can go into it with your eyes open and your horn tooting.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Damn, you’re on fire! We’re hanging on your every word. No joke. You could start a new religion right now, make the business deal of the decade, or simply get hot models into bed. All you have to do is talk. Don’t overthink it. Just share what’s on your mind. For some reason, most of those around you will find what you say compelling, regardless of whether or not they like it. Of course, this isn’t just an opportunity to climb up onto whatever soapbox happens to be nearby. It’s also a chance to work through some tough shit that’s been sidelined for a while now, mostly because the other person (or people) it involves hasn’t been willing to hear what needs to be said. Say it now; trust me, they can’t help but listen.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The Sagittarian symbol is a centaur—a creature half horse, half man. It’s Chiron, a wise teacher, skilled in the medical arts, especially herbal medicine and surgery, who taught Asclepius and Hercules. He gave his immortality to Prometheus when he received an incurable wound, and was made into the constellation of Sagittarius by Zeus. Why mention this? Your power to heal is overlooked too often, especially by you. You may need it soon. It’ll need a tune-up and some revving to get it going again, just like an old car that’s sat on blocks for a while. The best way to get it in gear? Healer, heal thyself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Choose a theme song. You’re going to need something that’s consistently uplifting for you, and that you can keep cued up on your device to play on a moment’s notice. It’s going to be a bloody tough week. Not because anything outrageously horrible will happen, necessarily, but simply because the rules of the game you’re forced to play (at least for the moment) are downright depressing. It’s hard to remain upbeat, patient, trusting, and openhearted when the hoops you’re required to jump through are so lame, difficult, and spiritually degrading. Keep that song playing and try to smile anyway. You’ll make it through.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Pull on those elbow-length yellow rubber gloves, grab a bucket and some rags. It’s time for some belated spring-cleaning—and not just of your house. Your head and heart are messes, too. The mildew in the shower of your emotions has got to be scoured away. The mold lurking in the back of the refrigerator where you store your freshest ideas is plotting a take-over. The dust bunnies under the bed of your inner peace have been propagating and mutating. Take a sponge or broom and some heavy-duty cleaners to all your winter’s grunge, or you’ll be scrubbing old stains all through the summer, instead of busy acquiring new ones.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t let ennui make you an addict. This is the kind of week that could wear you down slowly, grinding away at any good moods you might have started with. What’s worse is there’s nothing you can point at to explain or justify the sour, or least bored, mood you’re likely to end up in. That sucks because some of the people around you have this ridiculous expectation that you should be happy if you can’t describe exactly what’s wrong. Most Pisces respond to this tedious quandary with drugs, alcohol, or other self-destructive stuff, just to cut through the murk. Don’t do that right now. The haze will lift soon enough on its own in a few days—unless you reinforce it with a cloudy mind; then it’ll last for weeks instead.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Imagine yourself zooming down a slick, snow-covered slope, a thin lozenge of a board strapped to your feet. You’re freezing and banged-up from the crashes and wipe-outs associated with learning to snowboard. Now, to turn this thing, you have to lean downhill. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to get an edge into the powder and, well, steer. Despite my out of season message, my analogy is otherwise accurate: You are racing along the path you chose, and although your instinct may be to take a step back and try to slow down—the only way to stay in control is to take your whole self and lean, hard, in the direction you’d like to go.

Celebrity Birthdays

Al Pacino: April 25, 1940

Channing Tatum: April 26, 1980

Si Robertson: April 27, 1948

Jessica Alba: April 28, 1981

Willie Nelson: April 29, 1933

Bella Blu: April 30, 2008

James Murray: May 1, 1976

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

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To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

Celebrity Birthdays

Al Pacino: April 25, 1940

Channing Tatum: April 26, 1980

Si Robertson: April 27, 1948

Jessica Alba: April 28, 1981

Willie Nelson: April 29, 1933

Bella Blu: April 30, 2008

James Murray: May 1, 1976