Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Bide your time. Life’s way more complex than a chess game, but bear with my analogy: Sometimes you just have to wait until all the pieces are in place before you make your move. If you “attack” early, you lose. Wait until next week; at that point you’ll have a better than even chance to accomplish whatever agenda you currently have in mind, be it seduction, career advancement, or revenge. What to do this week, then? Make sure everything’s as ready as it can be for when you launch your plan, and chill.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’ve probably heard that crappy joke about the guy stuck on his roof in a massive flood. A few rescue teams in boats and a helicopter arrive in succession to save him, but he says, “Nah, God will save me,” and ultimately drowns. In heaven he’s like, “What the hell, God?” and God says: “Hey, I sent two boats and a chopper, and you wouldn’t budge.” This week, please reverse your expectations about what salvation (of your career, your relationship, or simply your day) will look like, because they’re worse than useless: they’ll only keep you from recognizing the real thing when it comes along.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Eat right. Get your sleep. Some signs, like those oft-radiant Leos, can swing wildly between hot and dumpy depending on self-perception; for them, pure confidence can equal beauty. For Taureans, however: not so much. Sure, your attitude can affect how people perceive you, but chiefly, variance in your appearance comes from purely concrete matters; basically, how you’ve been taking care of yourself. Lately you haven’t been doing as good a job in this department as you could, and, unfortunately, it shows. Reverse the trend. Get on that treadmill, eat some salad, and give yourself a full eight hours a night. Who says you can’t go from homely to handsome overnight? You can.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Imagine what it’d be like if all the seasons shifted two months forward. The school year would begin in mid-summer, for example, and the leaves would change around Christmas-time, and we’d all be slightly psychologically screwed up by it. Nothing serious, I guess, but I mention it because of your recent timing issues. The universe hasn’t been providing you with clues you can understand. You’re not only having trouble with the big stuff, like when to propose marriage or buy a house, but the little mundane shit, like when to eat or sleep. Unfortunately, this strange signal-less limbo will continue for another few weeks, despite your best efforts. Until then, all you can do is try to get your eight hours and three squares, whatever random time you can, and hope for the best.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
What would you do if you learned, early on in a pregnancy, that your new baby would be born deformed? The doctor might present abortion as a possibility. Would you consider it? Or would you gladly sign on to the kind of devotion required by your new “special needs” child? Luckily, the stakes this week aren’t nearly so high, even if they occupy the same genre: something you’ve created (and which is about to be born) has been revealed to be very different—even quite compromised—compared to your original vision. Will you kill it now, so it’ll never be, or will you help it achieve its full potential nevertheless? It’s a rough decision, sweetheart. Good luck.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Keep things well-ventilated and cool this week. Your normally long fuse has just been clipped to a fraction of its usual length, and it’d be a shame if you blew your top over something little and stupid, just because you weren’t paying attention. Act as if you’re actually holding a delicate, vibration-triggered bomb under one arm: move slowly, talk softly, and when conflict rears its ugly head, quietly slip away before it can set the explosives off. You won’t have to tiptoe around your life for long; by this time next week, you should be able to put the thing down, make lots of noise, and fiercely engage in arguments, all without exploding.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Here’s a morbid theory: how we react to death in our dreams is how we’ll react to the real thing when it eventually comes. Who knows? But I do think that dreams can be good practice for other events in your life; how you handle things that scare you, anger, conflicts, and love affairs while asleep can have relevance to what happens when you wake up. You need this kind of practice. Anticipate future events (not necessarily anything so heavy as your own death), and daydream (or really dream, if you’re lucky) about them, so that when they come around for real, you’ll be prepared, not clueless.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Save your work. Every five minutes. This pertains not just to whatever’s on your computer, but in any situation where you could lose advances you’ve made—the universe is feeling mighty greedy lately, and apt to suck all your efforts towards entropy. Don’t give it a chance. Be vigilant. Be redundant. Make two copies of everything important. Do it now, because you won’t get any advance warning (other than this one). You’ll tap a key and it’ll just be gone, and nothing you can do will bring it back. Unless of course you’ve got a backup on hand; now, how good would that feel? Make it so.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Prepare for a metaphysical avalanche. It’ll mostly bury your (mental) house. These massive shifts of bedrock and rubble could be dangerous, but also lucrative. It depends on how prepared you are to dodge disasters and take advantage of opportunities. Yeah, some of your most familiar rooms and hallways will be completely covered by the wreckage; you won’t be able to use them for some time. But new or neglected sections of your home are likely to be exposed by the shifting debris. Spend some time exploring these, and discovering what you’ve gained, instead of lamenting what you’ve lost.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Less is more this week, baby. You probably shouldn’t text a stranger an X-rated picture of yourself in a misbegotten attempt at flirtation. It might get you the desired results (though that’s unlikely), and it’s certainly not that classy, or even remotely in line with what you’re about right now. Sometimes the crudest, most direct path is best, but not at the moment. There are better ways, more subtle routes. Even if they take ten times longer than the shortcut straight ahead, they’re still far superior: please find and choose one of them this week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week you give sensitive a new meaning. Please be careful: you won’t always be able to correctly anticipate your own reactions to familiar influences. A single cup of coffee could affect you like three (same goes for alcohol). A horror movie that you’d normally laugh at might have you on edge and jumping at shadows for days. A great screw could make you decide you’re in love. You’re unusually vulnerable to the things around you; it’s like the volume of the world is turned way up. Don’t don blinders and earplugs, though—it’s hot shit when things are this vivid and intense—and can be intensely enjoyable, when you know what you’re doing. Prove you do.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Stop pissing into the flames, Aquarius. You can’t put out this blaze by yourself. It’s valiant of you to try, but also foolhardy. Once things have gotten this extreme, they’re bigger than what any one person can stop or control on his own. You need help, lots of it, and fast. Shove aside any guilt or remorse about this crisis; whether or not you set these disastrous events into motion isn’t the point. Get the aid you require to quell or at least direct the mighty forces you may have helped unleash, now, before someone gets hurt.
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