Advice from Melissa: When do you tell a guy you can’t have kids?
I am a single woman in my late 20s and I have recently discovered that due to a medical complication, I am unable to ever have children. While I spent the majority of my late teens and early 20s trying not to get pregnant, I am devastated to learn the choice is no longer mine to make. It also seems that it has put a damper on my dating life. As we reach 30, more men I meet are looking to settle down and start families. The last long-term relationship I was in ended because the guy said he knows in his heart that he wants kids and, knowing that I can’t, made him decide to end things. I was devastated and had decided to not let myself get emotionally attached again without being upfront with the guy about being reproductively challenged. Now it seems like being honest is scaring guys off because I am mentioning having a family on the second or third date. It is a Catch 22. When is the right time to say something?
Between a Rock and a Hard Place
My Dearest Rock,
First and foremost, my deepest sympathy for your medical complications. I pray for your health. When it comes to dating, I have always been a believer that honesty is the best policy. If you are at the point in your relationship where things start getting physical, then you are also at a point where you should feel comfortable talking about the potential end result of that mattress mambo. Family planning and birth control are huge topics when you decide to start having a physical relationship with someone. It doesn’t have to be a formal birds and bees sit down talk with your guy, but there should be the maturity level there, especially as we age, where you can discuss these complications as adults. If the guy decides you’re coming on too strong by bringing it up, he doesn’t deserve to frolic in your lady garden anyways. He should be impressed by your maturity, not intimidated by it. When it is the right guy, he will understand and still stand by your side. If you still want a family, there are plenty of options and avenues you can explore together. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and look for love. You deserve the best.
Girl Talk began in 2012 as a telltale horror story of the city’s most epic dating disasters and has evolved into a column about love, life experiences and growing up. Melissa also has a weekly Girl Talk TV segment on PA Live, WBRE, and a radio segment every Wednesday on 98.5 KRZ.