SORRY MOM & DAD: I’d rather have chlamydia than a ‘dad bod’

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Sick of his “dad bod,” Justin started the 22-Day Revolution — a USDA Organic, Non-GMO, Vegan, Gluten-free lifestyle solution that Jay-Z and Beyonce did.

My sister, Jenelle, and I are polar opposites when it comes to lifestyle choices. She wakes up at 6 a.m. with an optimistic attitude and the energy to do yoga. I wake up at 6 a.m. and keep hitting a liquor bottle that’s been in my bed for weeks hoping it will “snooze” my alarm. She’s a vegetarian who flirts with a vegan diet. I delete someone from Facebook when I find out they’re vegan. She’s very thin. I have a dad bod.

According to Elite Daily the term “dad bod” was coined by Clemson University sophomore Mackenzie Pearson; and everybody’s talking about it. Apparently a “dad bod” describes a guy who isn’t fat, isn’t thin, but somewhere in-between. Pearson feels “the dad bod says, ‘I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time.”

That’s so close to my lifestyle that it should be my Instagram bio.

Since an essay written by Pearson on the topic recently went viral, women have been speaking out about how the dad bod is “sexy.”

I was reading an article on where a 26-year-old from New York City said a dad bod “(shows) you love life but also have the good sense to not let yourself completely go.” The same article noted that women love guys who focus on fun, over physique, saying they’re more fun and less narcissistic.

Having a dad bod may get some women wet, but it’s doing nothing for me. I sweat more easily; I run out of breath when I take hot showers; and my favorite clothes don’t fit. Living a “Justin” lifestyle has caught up with me. It’s time to do something about it. I decided to go on the same diet as Jay-Z and Beyonce: The 22-Day Revolution.

Sorry, Mom and Dad, but I’ll probably be asking to borrow gas money soon since I live on a journalist’s budget and plan on adopting the same diet as Hova, who has billions of dollars.

The 22-Day Revolution is a plant-based diet designed to lead people toward a “healthier, more energetic and more productive life – helping you live the life you want, not just the one you have.”

I want the life of someone who can take his shirt off during the summer and show off the belly-button piercing I got on a dare. I’m not taking it out until I can show it off in a hot tub in Vegas.

When my sister bought the new book detailing the 22-day revolutionary meal-plan by celebrity health expert and exercise physiologist Marco Borges, I noticed the cover described the book as a “plant-based program that will transform your body, reset your habits and change your life.” I was skeptical all the way.

“Beyonce lost 65 pounds in 22 days doing this,” she said. “She just did it again before the Met Gala. Everyone’s talking about this. You’re guaranteed to lose up to 22 pounds.” I suddenly became less skeptical.

“It’s not a fad diet. The book was founded on the principle that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. It changes your lifestyle and helps you lose weight,” my sister told me.

I thought if it worked on the body that allegedly carried Blue Ivy to full term (I really don’t believe Bey gave birth to her child) then it should be good enough for me.

I spent a good portion of Mother’s Day at Wegmans (Sorry!), trading liquor for quinoa and pizza bagels for lentils.

I don’t know what’ll happen over the next 22 days, but it better be revolutionary. I’ll let you know how it goes.