Movie Review: “Kung Fu Panda 3” not suited for anyone. Save your money and your time
I knew that sitting through “Kung Fu Panda 3” wasn’t going to be a fun experience, but I didn’t realize it was going to be this miserable. As a man who was cursed at a very young age with the scourge of red pubic hair, I know that I’m not winning at life and each day the bracing sight of rock bottom harshly greets me from within the confines of my very own mirror.
You know you’ve fallen but you don’t realize how far and how hard you’ve fallen until you’re sitting alone in a theater, on a Friday afternoon, wearing 3-D glasses, watching a sequel to a movie that could just have easily been a retitled version of the first movie after an intern at Dreamworks grabbed a sharpie and drew a number three on the original movie’s one-sheet.
“Kung Fu Panda 3” isn’t for me. But it also isn’t for you, it’s not for lovers of Pandas (both normal and unsavory), nor is it for anyone who’s ever chopped a brick in two with their hands. Maybe it’s for your dum-dum babies, but they’re also the kinds of people who throw themselves on the floor and suck the dirt off the ground every time they get mad. In short, “Kung Fu Panda 3” is for nobody.
Seemingly plucked from another time and place when the world was still amused by Jack Black’s hyperactive big kid routine and every movie with even the slightest hint of high flyin’ karate kicks was required by the MPAA to close with the cast dancing to Carl Douglas’ “Kung Fu Fighting,” “Kung Fu Panda’s” arrival in theaters is nearly 10 years too late. What more was left to say after Po (Black) – the titular panda of kung fu – learned to believe in himself after the first two “Kung Fu Panda” movies? Not much, apparently because Po is still struggling with self-confidence.
As a side note, can we please stop making children’s movies that hammer home the importance of believing in one’s self. First of all, there’s more than enough of these movies already and secondly, has there ever been a crisis of confidence among our nation’s children? If anything children already believe in themselves way too much. Their confidence is basically verging on cockiness. Which is why we, as adults, have to continually knock them down a peg so they realize they don’t have the ability to cut their own hair or have an immune system advanced enough to safely drink their own used bathwater.
“Kung Fu Panda 3” is merely encouraging children to drink more of their own bathwater. It’s sick!
At any rate, for those who inexplicably care, “Kung Fu Panda 3” is about an undead, yak-water buffalo-bull-thing (the voice of J.K. Simmons) that has escaped from the “Kung Fu Panda” equivalent to The Phantom Zone in order to steal the ‘qis’ of Po and the all-star voice cast who all sound as if they were recorded as they were laying down on a couch, lazily flipping through the options on Netflix without ever coming to a final decision. Also, there’s like a valley of pandas? Some are voiced by Bryan Cranston while others fall down a lot or have bad teeth? I don’t know. I’m just glad that nothing farts in this or alludes to farting in this.
If there’s something nice to say about “Kung Fu Panda 3” it should be noted that it is colorful and it’s always nice to hear the voice of noted character actor Simmons. But the same effect could be had at home if you close your eyes and rub your thumbs against them while “Whiplash” plays in the background. Alternately obnoxious and dull, “Kung Fu Panda 3” doesn’t seem to serve much of a purpose beyond distracting your kids momentarily as you and your friends get drunk on Lime-a-Ritas in your kitchen. But then, “Cars 2” works just as well, so why bother?
Mike Sullivan is a movie reviewer for Weekender. Movie reviews appear weekly in Weekender.
“Kung Fu Panda 3”
Starring: Jack Black, J.K. Simmons, Dustin Hoffman and Bryan Cranston
Director: Jennifer Yuh Nelson and Alessandro Carloni
Weekender Rating: W
Length: 95 min.