Getting laid off can suck some serious big floppy donkey dick, but it happens to a lot of people. It’s only normal to feel buried in a superabundance of emotions after hearing: “Your position has been eliminated.” I know, because I was recently laid off as a full-time reporter for Weekender.
If you lost your job, or know someone who did, listen up, share these five stages of getting laid off on Facebook, and go have sex with a stranger to celebrate the knowledge of what you’re about to find out. (Is there any better way to celebrate anything than by getting naked?)
Stage 1: SHOCK!
I knew Weekender had some challenges, like a lot of other publications. I remember when I was just a columnist, and I’d say that I wrote for the Weekender, people would be so impressed, and immediately tell me something they loved about the paper, or bring up a memory of a connection they had with a staff member, since everyone on staff seemed to know almost everybody in the area. Reaction has since primarily evolved into a conversation that pointed out unwelcomed change.
Still, I never thought the paper would have to downsize staff, on top of pages available for content.
But it happens even with the best companies. Last month, ESPN, an inarguably successful network, had to lay off 350 employees.
Stage 2: ‘Why me?’
The next stage is wondering why you were chosen to be eliminated. I had that question.
I mean, I had more than one year seniority on the most recent hire in my department. I had almost one year seniority to the second most recent hire in my department. Being the one to have their position eliminated didn’t seem fair or logical to me at all.
I did a lot for Weekender. I orchestrated for Weekender to get the exclusive list of nominees for the most recent Steamtown Music Awards before anyone else. I made sure Weekender was the only local media logo on the backdrop of the event’s red carpet two years in a row. I worked with the PR rep for Mohegan Sun Pocono to get Weekender on display every week during the Battle of the Band series. I brought awareness to local people with testicular cancer, premature breast cancer, AIDS, or who were transgender.
Truth of the matter is, most layoffs aren’t fully rationally engineered. When a company has layoffs, it loses some of its worst performers, best performers, plus solid people who know the business in between.
Stage 3: Bargaining
The best part about getting laid off is that you’re eligible for unemployment, and sometimes, severance.
In most cases, employers hate letting employees go. They’ll sometimes offer any help with a letter of recommendation. Make sure to get that letter!
My higher-up was awesome enough to offer me a position to freelance while I figure out my next step, and to keep my column in Weekender as long as I want.
Stage 4: Getting drunk
It can be a lot to process stages 1 through 3. But it’s nothing a quick text to a friend and a game of Edward 40-hands can’t fix.
Stage 5: Opening the next door
Look at getting laid off as an opportunity to find something more fulfilling. You probably dedicated a decent amount of your time to the job, so there’s no reason to leave ungracefully.
Personally, I was planning to leave Weekender after the holidays. I wrote for the paper for 5 years, and I graduated from submitting a small column to picking out, and writing the cover stories. As I turn 30 next year, starting off 2016 with a new endeavor is what I thought was best for me.
Now that I’m laid off, with severance, an opportunity to freelance, and collect unemployment, I can now dedicate more time to opening my next door. It was kind of the best thing to happen to me.
Sure, I’m unemployed, but I’ll bounce back. First, though, I have some trouble to get in to. Sorry, Mom and Dad…