I discovered the secret for curing hangovers. It’s not hydrating before your drink, eating pickles before you go to bed, or eating Asian pears, as some myths popularly suggest. The cure for a hangover is simple: being under 25 years old.
Once you hit 25, drinking hits you harder than an ex would after finding out you made out with her best friend that one time at that one party when you said you were studying for that one test.
While I may not know the cure for hangovers for people who have already hit the quarter-century mark, I do know this: The party may have been different for everyone, but the struggle is really quite similar for everyone the next morning. Here’s 21 things we all say when we wake up with a hangover.
1. Where am I?
2. Did we have sex?
3. Are you sure?
4. Who are you?
5. Who the hell did I think I was last night?
6. I need to take a dump.
7. Did I leave the Totino’s pizza in the oven?
8. I need McDonald’s french fries.
9. I need Taco Bell. That’s it. Taco Bell.
10. KFC would save my life right about now.
11. I hate you, Tequila.
12. I hate everyone.
13. I hate myself.
14. Who did I text last night?
15. I’m just deleting my text message history. I don’t even want to know.
16. Where’s my phone?
17. Did I really SnapChat that? I hope a lot of people didn’t view it.
18. Oh no, that really happened last night?
19. I’ll just deny that happened.
20. I’m never drinking again. Ever.
21. Hmm, I wonder what everybody is up to tonight?
Reach Justin Adam Brown at 570-991-6652 and follow him on Instagram @justinadambrown