College is back in session, and I can’t help but be reminded that I’m not in college any more.
When I’m splurging on my $3 six-inch Spicy Italian sub at Subway during my lunch break, wondering what Jared Fogle is doing, I see students from Wilkes and King’s walking around with big smiles on their faces — and the rest of their 20s ahead of them. It takes me back to my college days.
Recently, while sucking in my stomach to make me feel better about adding a bag of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips to my order at Subway, I saw a college student and his parents carrying a vacuum to his dorm. It brought me back to the time I caused an overweight girl named Moose to throw a vacuum across a room at me. Sorry, Mom and Dad.
The whole incident began when my fraternity brother Ross and I decided we needed a break from the scene we were accustomed to. Drinking in a frat house basement among a sea of girls can be fun and all, but we had something else in mind for a change: To spend the weekend at Indiana University of Pennsylvania with Ross’ best friend, Bryan Loeffler, for what will remain one of the most unforgettable weekends of my college experience!
After a fun night of partying at IUP, we were invited to hang out with three girls who shared a house.
“Shhh!” insisted the girls who invited us back. “Be quiet until we get upstairs. Our roommate Moose is sleeping. She doesn’t feel well.”
“You live with a girl named Moose?” I shouted.
“Shhh!” everyone loudly whispered back.
“I’m going downstairs to get some water,” I told everyone everyone about a half hour later.
“Just don’t wake up Moose,” I was warned.
Downstairs, I saw Moose’s bedroom door next to the kitchen. I imagined a lumberjack type of girl who would go all Lorena Bobbitt on me if I pissed her off. Was this Moose a beastly heavy-weight champion? Or was she a cute, petite little blond like her other roommates, just with a bad nickname? I was determined to find out.
Next to Moose’s bedroom door was a vacuum. I decided to turn the vacuum on, slide it into her room and run upstairs, anticipating her to wake up and reveal her identity. I was drunk and 19 years old, so it seemed like a good idea.
When I ran into the room where everyone was upstairs, one of the girls asked me if Moose was vacuuming, in a tone of shock.
Before I could answer, we all heard a voice screaming, “Who the f — put this vacuum in my room?”
It was the voice of something you would only expect to hear if you climbed a beanstalk and was greeted by a magnificent giant. It was the voice of Moose.
Moose’s roommates ran downstairs to see why she was yelling. We followed them. When we got downstairs we all heard a grunt. Then, flying mid-air from her bedroom door was the vacuum. Moose’s door slammed. The kitchen sink loudly broke the fall of the vacuum. We all raced upstairs, laughing so hard it hurt. As we were racing upstairs, Loeffler and I tripped over each other, falling to the ground. We were now laughing so hard that we couldn’t breathe. That’s when I pissed my pants.
Horrified, I ran upstairs to the first bedroom I could find. I searched for a hair dryer, and started drying my urine-drenched pants, hoping nobody would find out what I did.
Then, a girl walked into the room. Apparently they had another roommate who just came home. And she was horrified to find a strange guy sitting on her bed with her hair dryer waving across his crotch. Needless to say, we were all kicked out. I never even got to see Moose!
Karma kicked me in the ass a few weeks later when Ross was mad at me and informed one of out fraternity brothers that the pants I pissed in were his, which I borrowed without asking and didn’t wash afterwards.
So, college kids, if you ever hear about a girl named Moose, don’t ask. And, if you have a weak bladder but you don’t have a washing machine, don’t borrow jeans.
A few years later Bryan Loeffler passed away. I then realized you’re not here for a long time, you’re here for a good time. So, if you’re in college, lose your inhibitions and have a good time.
