Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Many people believe they’d love a Capricorn partner—until they actually get one. At that point they’re often disappointed when you don’t meet their unrealistic expectations. You’re a great package, but you’re not for everyone. What you can offer: a reasonably high degree of security, sex drive, and loyalty, among other things. Where you often fall short: time and attention—those who need tons may feel deprived. This week, cancel your personal PR. Don’t spin this stuff. You are what you are, and you need someone who appreciates that, since you’re not going to fundamentally change. Make sure whoever’s interested gets the entire, honest picture right now, or they’ll be hellish drama later.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re as incorruptible as they come. Aquarians are less likely to be thrown off-course by power, wealth, or fame. Having acquired one or more of these, most of you are happy to carry on mostly as before: You hang with the same people, do mostly the same things, and so on. That isn’t to say you’re completely immune to the personality-skewing effects of these influences, just more resistant than most. What does screw you up? Love, of course. You’ll do shit you’d normally never consider just to understand, pursue, or keep love in your life. This week, check that behavior. If a million bucks can’t buy your soul, why should another person be able to (often without even trying)?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
That person who keeps calling your number and not leaving messages…that was me. Well, maybe not me, but it certainly wasn’t the person you were hoping it was. Unfortunately, if you ever get to the bottom of the tantalizing mystery you’re currently facing, you’ll probably be quite disappointed with the anticlimactic results. So, what to do? Decide I’m wrong and carry on with your wishful delusion? Let go of your fantasy altogether? Nah, those options both suck. I suggest just picking up the phone and calling the person you wish would call you. In other words, forget the dissatisfying reality and make your fantasy real.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Pollsters and call-center surveyors would be lost without you guys. You always have an opinion about everything, so most of you are thrilled, when asked, to step up to the plate and deliver it. What surprises you, deep down, is when people are shocked, offended, or outraged by what you have to say, as if they expected you, all along, to agree with them. Don’t be put off by negative reactions to your ideas this week, Aries. Listen to them and consider them, of course—but don’t let them keep you from speaking your piece. What you’ve got to say matters—not because of its content, but because you’re willing to say it, and what that says about you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Would you feel validated, betrayed, or simply scornful if I suggested that Taureans were astrologically predisposed towards weight gain? Don’t get me wrong—I’ve met my share of skinny Taureans. But generally, many of you are blessed with more solid builds. Naturally, genetics matters more than astrology in this case, but a Taurean’s normal predisposition towards luxury, hedonism, and sensuality isn’t likely to help your modeling career. I’m not saying give up. We should all keep trying to be the people we hope to be, regardless of obstacles. I’m just suggesting: don’t be so hard on yourself if you fall slightly short.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If I consume caffeine after 8pm, I’m up ‘til dawn the next morning. I’ve learned this the hard way, so now I’m judicious and prudent when it comes to drinking coffee, tea, or cola. You’ve a similar sensitivity, albeit to something slightly more esoteric—bad news, relationship drama, loneliness, horror flicks, or whatever. You’re not, however, very practical about controlling your exposure to it. That’s got to change—for your own wellbeing, as well as the happiness of all those close to you. You can’t control how full of shit the world is, but you can regulate how much of that harshness you experience, and when. Take charge of your negativity-consumption. You’ll suffer a lot less, and so will we.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When it comes time to take a leap of faith, it doesn’t make a bit of difference whether you do it smiling, with wide-open eyes, or screw them shut and scream the whole way down. It’s great if you can work yourself up to a degree of trust and acceptance before you jump, and certainly more fun than taking the plunge while terrified and full of dread. But your attitude is of secondary importance this week. Your memory of the terror will fade, while the pride remains. What matters at the moment is that you actually go for it, because if you don’t do it now, you probably never will—and that, my dear, is something you will certainly always remember, and regret.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Everyone’s heard dozens of bizarre conspiracy theories involving yeti, crop circles, illuminati, psychedelic mushroom spores from outer space, and so on, but most of us don’t take that shit too seriously, viewing it mostly as intriguing and entertaining, but not life-changing. You, too, are definitely guilty of cultivating your own strange pet theories—about your boss, coworkers, lover, neighbors, etc. But I wouldn’t share them this week (at least not with anyone even remotely involved.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Virgos have a reputation as the most practical signs in the zodiac, but it’s just not true. Yeah, sure, you’re efficient, pragmatic, and have more energy than any two other people. But you’re also prone to eccentricities that are more esoteric than truly concrete. Pursuing your more spiritual or idealistic concerns is nothing to scoff at; I’m certainly not going to condemn your veganism, herbal medicine, aggressive yoga routine, or penchant to read astrology columns. But it doesn’t necessarily promote your rep as the no-nonsense workhorse some people think you are. All work and no weirdness is dull. This week, play up what’s strange about you, not what makes you “normal.”
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week is all about playing the wait-and-see-game. You might wake up to inclement weather, but assuming the day is shot and canceling all your fantastic plans would be a mistake. If you’re flexible and play it by ear, you’ll discover that the shit weather will probably clear up in a few hours, thus enabling you to continue with a brilliant day—provided you haven’t already screwed it up by calling it off. Chances are that serenely awaiting a change in circumstance will work out better than the original arrangements would have. In other words, be patient. Don’t jump the gun.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your behavior, at certain points in your life, could be described as saintly. Conversely, you’ve also had your share of equally slutty or otherwise devilish moments. Personally, I think your embrace of these extremes is one of the most interesting things about you, but not everyone gets it. Some of those you encounter this week are likely to misunderstand or despise some of your past behavior (you may be surprised at how many privately object to the saintly stuff). However, don’t apologize or otherwise feel pressured to justify yourself. I love your usual take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Don’t change that now. Those asses don’t get it, they’re not worth it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Bide your time and don’t freak. This week you’re likely to encounter some tremendous obstacle, suffer someone’s disapproval, or slam into a seemingly immovable wall. Keepping your cool and maintaining absolute faith that it will all work out (despite the lack of supporting evidence) is your best move. Losing your shit would mean losing your one shot at detonating the obstacle, securing approval, or shattering the wall. A powerful, unexpected ally (someone you could never solicit, properly anticipate, or control) is likely to step in to help you out, but s/he’ll take some time getting around to it, and won’t bother if you’re too busy freaking out to accept the help.
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