By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

Print This Page

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

If there was ever a time that was well-suited to forthright directness, it’s now. If you can’t say it without equivocation, there’s no hope. Be boldly honest, even if it makes you sound a little like an asshole. If it’s real, it’ll work out. I know it flies in the face of your overly-cautious instincts. Your self-editing mechanisms will resent being turned off. But there are some things that tact and diplomacy can’t accomplish. When you need to get shit done, you’ve got to speak from the heart, the gut—anywhere but your hyper-analytical head.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I don’t think you’re naturally masochistic, but sometimes you put yourself in situations where you simply collect rejections like candy on Halloween. It’s not that you deserve so many rebuffs—it’s the way you’re going about it, and where, and with whom. You know, rationally, that your methods aren’t likely to yield success, yet you insist on plugging away with them, anyway. Take a step back. Putting your nose the grindstone may eventually get you somewhere. But there’s an easier way, one which involves a much more selective and thoughtful application of your energies. Use that brilliant mind of yours to stop punishing yourself and start getting somewhere, instead.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

The beaten path isn’t for you. Even when you try to follow it, you end up tripping and falling off a cliff. Your route is not the one that’s tried-and-true. You’ve got to forge your own unique way to your destination. This is hopeful; not a cause for despair. You suck at following others’ footsteps. That almost never works, even for the people who are good at it. Doing things “the way they’re always done,” just isn’t the right way for you, no matter what people tell you. So if you’re on the 10-lane highway, get off it. Start bushwhacking. It’ll feel right in a way the interstate never did—you’ll see.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Some seeds only sprout after a hard frost, or a forest fire. Sometimes a struggle is just what you need. Without it, you’re never pushed to crack open the resources or parts of yourself capable of greatness. This is why you always put yourself into challenging situations; it’s your route to personal evolution. However, don’t take this as a mandate to keep doing things exactly the same (difficult) way. Your struggles shouldn’t be repeating themselves. If you keep revisiting the same challenge, it’s because you haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to get from it. Hopefully, this week should present you with a new contest. If it doesn’t, figure out why.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When I moved in, the walls of my apartment wore 7 layers of wallpaper and paint. It was difficult to describe the place without using the words “dingy” and “run-down.” Stripping the walls and soaking them with a fresh coat, however, made it something entirely different. You, too, have recently (or perhaps not so recently) moved in somewhere that’s not exactly the homey haven you imagined and hoped for. It could be, though. Your job, this week, is to determine exactly how much energy and time you’d need to transform it. Then you can decide, finally, whether it’s worth it to stick around, or simply easier to find someplace new.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I have this utter compulsion to share everything (and everyone) I enjoy. Subconsciously I believe they’ll love what and who I do. I know that’s ridiculous, especially given my taste in highly original friends. I’ve optimistically organized countless parties populated by people who mixed as well as oil and water, or forced my buddies to endure experiences I should’ve known they’d despise, just because I couldn’t wrap my head around our essential differences. Don’t make the same mistake. Your intentions are good, but not appreciated—at least not by these people. If you want them to stick around, chill out. You can still enjoy the thing(s) you were so eager to share—by yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Some bats screw during hibernation season. The winged mammals sleep through most of the winter, only waking occasionally to drink and mate. When a male awakens he helps himself to various comatose females before he settles back in to sleep the rest of the winter. So it’s the lot of the lady bat to go to sleep a virgin and wake up pregnant. You might feel similarly surprised this week, although hopefully this exact scenario will pass you by. Minor crimes against you are likely to be perpetrated while you’re not paying attention. Don’t focus on revenge. It won’t work. Don’t let these wrongs become bigger ones by damaging you forever. Do what you need to do to escape with minimal harm.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

There’s very little you can’t do. But let’s face it: just because you’re capable of something doesn’t mean you enjoy it. This week it’s important to make the distinction: are you doing something because it pleases others, or because it pleases you? A lot of Leos get into this trap of doing shit because it earns them praise and admiration. That’s not entirely a bad thing, and certainly not a reason to stop. But I think it’s important to find something you’d do whether anyone else praised you (or even noticed) or not—and this week is the right time to start doing, at least part-time, exactly that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I spent about an hour singing your praises tonight. I love Virgos. But I found myself, at the end, feeling stung with compassion when I was compelled to add: “But I wouldn’t want to be one.” You sure don’t have it easy. The problem is, you often make things look so easy—accomplishing more with one hand than any two of us could do with our whole bodies. Many people don’t appreciate how much effort it actually takes. This week is a good time to gently clue them in. If you do it sweetly and without a built-in guilt trip, my solo song of praise will almost instantly blossom into a full-on choir.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your prince(ss) in shining armor won’t come galloping up on a magnificent white stallion to rescue you from your problems. So why do you think they might get dragged in, unconscious, by the trawling nets you’ve cast into the ocean in all directions? I like the idea of you being proactive, but do you really want the kind of limp fish you’d catch that lame way? Think about what or who you’re trying to draw into your life. If they’re stupid or desperate enough to fall for the kinds of weak efforts you’ve recently put forth, they’re not going to impress you in the long run. The “prey” you seek is exceptional. Your methods ought to be, too.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpios don’t take much downtime. Certainly you don’t get to hibernate the way any beast sharing your proclivities probably would. But you usually poop out around now, when opportunities to indulge your whims and wiles are more available than at any other time of year. Something about the winter chill drags you down. In this case, your internal rhythms are ever so slightly out of whack. Dig deep and find a second (or third, or fourth) wind and run with what’s happening. Watch carefully; the frenzy of potential fun and intensity will ebb in a few weeks. Postpone your coma nap until then.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

When you’re left to do your own thing, you’re kind of sad. It’s too bad people listened so well to what you were saying. Now you’ve got what you said you wanted: freedom to pursue your goals without interference. What are you waiting for? No one’s standing in your way. Most of the people you know are as far away as they can get. What? Maybe that’s not exactly what you wanted? Maybe it’s no fun getting where you’re going if there’s no one to accompany you, or at least watch? If you feel you must push people away this week, be careful about how hard you shove. They may go further than you wish, and retrieving them from there’ll be a bitch.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to


To contact Caeriel send mail to