By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’ve been looking backwards a lot lately—not because you’re longing for the past, but only to attempt to cover your tracks. Why don’t you want people knowing how you got here? Or is it that you’re embarrassed or ashamed of the detours you took along the way? Ironically, all your efforts to hide or obscure where you’ve been only point them out, because they stand in stark contrast to your usual forthrightness. If you don’t want us to notice, pay attention to, or care about what you’ve been up to before, you’ve got to stop focusing so intently on it. Keep your eyes on where you’re headed and who you are now.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

On one level you come off as incredibly capable and accomplished; on another you often seem nervous and insecure. People who are just meeting you see this as a conflict. How, they wonder, did this shy, wilting wallflower do so much? They’re just not aware of the determined, five-steps-forward, four-steps-back method of forward progress you’ve made pretty much your whole life, how when you’ve moved too fast in the past, you’ve usually been slapped and chastened. But revealing all that stuff isn’t the way to get their alliance—transcending it is. No one’s poised to trip you up if you sprint the next lap. Rise above your difficult history.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

In theory, I’m trilingual. But since I spend most of my time speaking only two of my languages, the third’s nearly inaccessible. On those rare occasions when I’m called upon to use it, I make embarrassing gaffes and speak like a child. It’s not that I’ve lost completely lost that knowledge—I’ve forgotten how to quickly access it. You, too, are struggling to remember something you once knew intimately. It’s frustrating, I know, but stick with it. For me it takes a week or three before I’ve rebuilt the synaptic connections to my rusty tongue. It might take longer (or shorter) for you, but there’s no question in my mind that—if you persist—you’ll get there.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

How many times do I—and all your friends—have to tell you how amazing you are before you’ll stop being so insecure? You’re incredible—except when you’re not. When’s that? Whenever you hold yourself back because you can’t quite believe how much you’re capable of. That’s just self-defeatist bullshit, and I’m as bored of it as you are. You’ve had countless moments of validation: basically whenever you’ve tried something (with a very few exceptions), you’ve succeeded. Yet somehow you doubt that you can repeat your accomplishments. Well, get the hell over it, please. When you do—and not before—you’ll quite likely be, well, rich and successful.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your sign is the province of little children and the ancient. The essence of Aries is playful, innocent, slightly selfish, enthusiasm. Little kids are like that. So are some old people—the ones who are so over it they’re into it again. They’ve released the responsibility and heaviness they’ve shouldered their whole lives, to just play. Everything’s funny to toddlers of all ages. What a cool way of being! And you’re lucky enough to have it come naturally. Why would you bother straying far from it? You may not quite have the freedom (enjoyed by the very old and young) to just play all the time—but surely you can justify doing so on most nights and weekends.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You think you’ve got it hard? Bullshit. Sure, you’ve got problems. But your biggest difficulty, quite frankly, is your mind; most of your troubles arise from having too much time on your hands; time you involuntarily use to create drama out of stuff you should be too busy to worry about. Are these dilemmas real? Yeah, but only because you made them come to life, like Frankenstein’s monster, stitched together out of lots of little shit that would’ve rested quietly out of sight if you’d just had the sense to not dig it up. Your idle mind can only make you miserable, at the moment. Don’t give it another spare moment; shit’s stirred up enough as it is.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Everyone’s heard of someone’s granddad who’s allegedly never been sick a day in his very hard life (naturally, rife with poverty, abominable working conditions, and crushing responsibilities). You’ve also surely encountered some ridiculous ex-child-prodigy who started her own company at 13, and is a multi-talented multi-millionaire ten years later. But you can’t hold yourself to those standards. Really. Most of us are just regular folk trying to do something cool with our lives. Admire these freaks of nature. Certainly aspire to greatness yourself. But don’t be ridiculously unrealistic. You can’t do it the way they did. Please don’t kill yourself trying.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

A ladybug has taken shelter in my apartment. I wonder if it’s escaped the frozen death it faced outside just so it can wait longer to die, or if has some reason to continue. How about you? I don’t mean to be too dramatic, but you’re reminding me of that insect. Does your current inaction stem from helplessness or apathy? Is there really nothing you can do, or simply nothing you can motivate yourself to do? I suspect the latter. Waiting for something to happen won’t work for the ladybug, or for you. Get your butt in gear, darling. It’s a long time ‘til spring.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You may be extremely sensitive to others’ opinions, but you’re no follower. Their perspectives don’t have much power to swiftly sway you. You’re not, however, immune (as some suspect). They’re just not patient enough. You absorb every judgment; each one is like a planted seed. Some of those seeds are buried and never seen again. But a surprising number find fertile soil and sprout. This is important—nay, vital—information for some of those close to you, who might be frustrated by your unresponsiveness to their desires. Some plants take a season to germinate, and far longer to bear fruit. Let them know they’re just operating on the wrong timetable.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

There’s nothing wrong with needing love and attention. You have a vaguely guilty feeling about it simply because it’s unfamiliar—you’re usually so independent and self-contained. But this week, you “selfishly” need someone to give you lots of love and nurture, without necessarily getting anything in return. Of course, admitting you need it is only the first step. You also have to overcome several other hurdles: asking for it, and accepting it when it’s offered. The reason I mention this: to assuage your primary fear (whether you admit or not) that once you manage to admit and ask for the love you need, no one will be willing to give it. That’s just plain silly.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Some Libras have a problem: they’re nice. Fine. Unfortunately, they’re stuck with this idea that the only alternative to nice is not nice. Nasty. Mean-spirited. Ugly. Sure, that’s one option. But for the majority of you (who are, I believe, more evolved than that) you know there are other options. Recognize that nice is a fine starting point, but to finish there is about as dull as dishwater. You’ve got to push the boundaries of who you are until it goes beyond the tedious mundane qualities of nice, sweet, and pretty. Stretch beyond nice until you’re simply amazing. Anything less—quite frankly—will just bore us to tears.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’ve never known you to be so romantic. I don’t mean red roses and seduction—that’s well-trodden ground. I just have never known you to wear such a Vaseline-smeared lens when reviewing your memories, distorting them into appealing confections that they simply are not. Why are you subjecting yourself to such powerful self-delusion? Is it because your present isn’t what you wish it were? Trying to relive or recreate half-forgotten chapters isn’t the right way to improve it. Even if you “succeeded,” the new version would never be what it was—and you might even destroy anything good about the old version while you’re at it.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to


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