By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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You teenage rebel. Part of you will never outgrow that spirited need for absolute independence, no matter how old you get. Avoid anyone who demands that you suppress it. Calls to “grow up” and “settle down” shouldn’t be simply ignored, but utterly repudiated. You’ll settle down naturally when it’s the right time—chances are a decade or two after most people get to this stuff. Find someone who doesn’t want you to fit into some mold, because that’s something you’re simply not capable of (despite occasional temporary delusions to the contrary). Better yet, find someone who’ll rebel with you. Then there’ll be no end to your adventures.


You sure know how to haggle. Anyone who pays the asking price for their car, house, or even a cheap shirt at a flea market is, in your opinion, just a fool. Finessing the price downward is part of the game; the problem is you can sometimes get carried away and start wrangling and quibbling in situations where it’s not appropriate; consequently the “price” (whatever it is) goes up, rather than down. Be careful where you bargain-hunt this week, as the opportunities to get a real deal are actually few and far between, surrounded by mostly inflexible situations where you’ll get only what you “pay” for. Trying to negotiate anyway will only get you kicked out of the shop, and the game.


It’s no fun to feel like you’re annoying and unpleasant to be around. To your credit, you’ve really taken some people’s reactions to heart and wondered if you’re that awful. But never fear; although you’re not perfect, of course, the problem here is that the person you’re taking your cues from is simply too sensitive. While I wouldn’t prescribe taking your leave of them entirely, a break might be in order. Your confidence took a beating over the holidays. Don’t tax it too much by forcing yourself to endure heaps of criticism. Give it a holiday by mixing it up with people who enjoy you through and through.


You can’t keep from getting hurt. This is a lesson most Fish learn early on. Unfortunately, many of you adopt (also early on) prophylactic coping strategies—dulling the pain before it even occurs—with food, drugs, alcohol, religion, avoidance, or a myriad other bad habits. These are okay as temporary measures, but not too healthy, ultimately. Luckily, this week you can practice forgoing your crutches altogether, because you’ve got easy comfort on hand—the adult equivalent of Mommy kissing it and making it all better—so there’s no reason to fear or try (probably in vain) to avoid pain. Relief is right at hand.


Hook up with your fellow fire signs (other Aries, Leos, and Sagittarians) this week. You need the recharge—and so do they. It’s exhausting to constantly endure the dampening influence of (nevertheless beloved) water signs. Take a break from hypersensitive Piscean buddies, or picky Cancer companions. It’s not their fault (or yours), but they just don’t revel in you and your wild ways, not like those ever-enthusiastic Leos do. Luckily, though they’re low on unhinged zeal, they’ve got tons of something else: patience. In other words, go do what you’ve got to do. They’ll wait.


I’ve met Taurens who love camping. In fact, communing with nature is right up your alley—only many of you don’t know it yet. It’s definitely, for you Bulls at least, an acquired taste. You may think of yourself as a totally urban creature, but that’s because you haven’t properly discovered the sensual beauty and serenity only available to you far away from the dirty hubbub of humanity. You need to connect with your animal nature, and the sooner the better (winter’s coming). Find a way to cope with the inconveniences outside of your old comfort zone, and you may just discover a newer, bigger, better one.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I almost burned my kitchen down this morning, simply because I’ve been too lazy to buy a new toaster. You’ve put yourself in a similarly precarious situation. The slightest of precautions on your part could avert a world of trouble, but you’ve managed to skip that step for ages now. A new toaster could keep my possessions from turning into ash. A comparable preventative measure on your part, one just as easy as shelling out ten bucks for a counter appliance, could save your ass, too. You know exactly what simple safeguard I’m talking about. This week, take care of it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

November’s likely to be a very surreal ride for you Cancers. You couldn’t call it especially bad or good. In fact, I’d be surprised if you could categorize it at all. But “normal” is likely to take on a whole new meaning, and expecting anything would be a mistake. This is surely a test of some of the newfound flexibility and adaptability you acquired this year. You’ve already passed some simple hurdles: making lemonade out of lemons, though, was easy. What’ll you do when life hands you children in need, or burning houses, or starving cats?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

How much longer will you make excuses, Leo? Shit like, “I can’t write my novel until I get the right computer,” and “I’m just waiting until after this busy period at work to fix my relationship,” won’t cut it anymore, at least not with those of us who give a shit and have brains. You deserve better. Your ego requires it. You can’t be the fabulous star you want to be just because you’re charming and well-dressed, at least not this week. You’ve got to actually do something. It’s time to put aside all the things you tell yourself are reasons not to get shit done, and just get shit done.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Standing in the path of a speeding train goes against all your best instincts and logic. But what if you knew that that train was about to derail? What if you also suspected that you might have the power to stop it, instead of simply being crushed and killed? You’d consider taking that risk then. In fact, I’d have a hard time believing that you wouldn’t give it a go, even if it meant potential death. Luckily, the kinds of sacrifices likely to be demanded of you this week won’t be so dramatic and final. But neither will they be easy. However, as you consider them, remember my runaway train scenario and this question: what’s what you may have to give up, when weighed against all that you might save?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Can’t make up your mind? Are you bewildered by a lack of direction, or even clear signs about what options are on offer? There’s only one escape from that limbo: Avoid mediocrity like the plague. It’s time to hazard your precious, precarious balance. Instead of adding feathers to either end of the scale, thus never risking your now slightly stagnant equilibrium, try adding ten-ton weights to each side. Stop making excuses and try it, already. Not only will you and your life become vastly more interesting, but you’ll know, quite quickly and clearly, which way you want to head and what you want to do when you get there.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]