Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week you may find a diamond while you’re working in the coalmines. This impressive feat may fill you with excitement, but don’t get too worked up yet. It remains to be seen whether you’ll be allowed to keep it or not (probably not). But whether or not you’re permitted to pocket the tiny blessing that comes your way this week, the situation itself will shed some light on your own status amongst those you love and/or work with. Not happy about the results of your bit of luck? Now’s the time to change them, before you’re forced to give up more than just a sparkly bit of rock.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
How cruel is it to be tricked into believing you won the lottery? On the one hand, you’ve got to endure the crushing disappointment that comes from finding out it’s not true (along with the humiliation of being had). But on the other hand, you get to (at least briefly) experience the excitement and elation of winning big bucks—a feeling that doesn’t come along all that often. Is it worth it or not? That’s your call, and luckily you get to make it for yourself this week. Would you rather win and lose (or love and lose), or never play (or love) at all?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’ve ventured into a very specialized shop that sells only one kind of thing. It’s not the Hello Kitty store, though—more like Capricorn Land. You may think being surrounded by people who naturally gravitate towards your way of doing things, like the things you like, and yield to your suggestions would be wonderful—but I suspect it’s one of those too-much-of-a-good-thing-scenarios. You like challenges and disagreements. Being surrounded by people who agree with you and unfailingly support you means that you can’t achieve your full potential—which is best arrived at through testing of your ideas and principles. Now that you’re here, check out what it’s like, and play a little—but start looking for the exits, too.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Out of sight, out of mind—an attitude you’ve been accused of espousing. You suck at keeping in touch, and anyone who’d contemplate a long-distance relationship with you is mad. You could spin this attitude as somehow enlightened: “I’m just being present.” But it won’t cut it, not this week, when your distant friends need you to feel close and engaged. Keeping your finger on the pulse of what’s happening in your local scene is all well and good, but this week you’ve got to do more. You’ve got a few more fingers—might there be a few more pulses you could be keeping track of?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Pisceans have tremendous imaginations. These, coupled with phenomenal intuition, are usually sources of inspiration, energy, and even psychic power—if you believe in that shit. But they can also be fonts of powerful self-delusion, and often are, especially when a Fish is going through an exceptionally stressful time. This is no critique; everyone buffers their ego through a break-up, firing, or other rejection, by stretching the truth, skewing a perspective, and telling a white lie or two. It’s no big deal, but please be aware: the further you veer from the sharp-edged, perhaps unflattering, unadorned truth, the less likely you are to evolve and learn from it—and the more likely something just like this will happen again (and again).
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You thought that bridge was burned, didn’t you? Luckily you shied away from the extreme you were nearly driven to, when events unfolded years back. This week you get a chance to—if not retract—at least make reparations for an error you made ages ago. Nothing’s ideal at this point; Imagine trying to fix someone’s life after wrongly incarcerating them for twenty years. It’d be hard to get them to regard their life as anything but ruined. Luckily, your mistakes weren’t quite so damaging. However, don’t expect that making up for them will be easy—just easier than living with them for even one more day.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re trapped in a maze, perhaps, but not lost. Maybe by now, you’re like the fabled Minotaur—you’ve spent so long in these twisty corridors that they’re like a second home. You know your way around. The path you have to walk is quite convoluted, but chances are you’ll probably barely notice. Navigating this kind of tortuous route is old hat to you now, leaving you to concentrate on who else might be lost in here with you, and free to decide whether to destroy them like unwelcome intruders on your private domain, or embrace them like long-lost lovers, finally come home.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The other night, I dreamt of you exploring a decrepit old castle, shrouded in fog and mystery. You pried back the surface of a completely uninspired, amateurish portrait painting, and discovered beneath it an original, heretofore undiscovered masterpiece by someone famous and long-dead. Needless to say, your find made you well-known and wealthy. To me, the clues and omens are as obvious and easy to read as a children’s book: you should begin earnestly searching for something you haven’t lost, hidden somehow right in front of you, probably obscured somehow by something (or someone) you look at every day. It could be worth quite a bit.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Rome’s founders, Romulus and Remus, nearly perished as infants. Fortunately, instead of drowning, legend has it, they were plucked from the river by the sharp teeth of a she-wolf, who subsequently suckled them as her own, until they were eventually claimed by a shepherd and his family. You could use some wolf’s milk in your daily diet. Perhaps you know a she-wolf in human (or even inhuman) guise? Seek nourishment—spiritual, physical, or otherwise—from her now. Ask this lovely bitch (in all the best senses of the word) to cook you up a hot meal and serve it with words of wisdom about rearing kids, bringing home the bacon, and defending those you love, tooth and nail.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
One of the things you despise most is being given a verbal list of your more childish faults. This misery is most likely to be perpetrated by your family, who still think of you as their little kid anyway. So after enduring a more or less miserable episode or two at their well-meaning hands, what you need is the antidote to all that poison you’ve been forced to swallow. Luckily, it’s near at hand: sex. Nothing’s better at cleaning out all the crap (especially parental crap) than that classic rebellious act. Try it. Even if it proves them right about just how irresponsible you are, it still works.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Virgos are more likely to actually be friends with their folks than most. Perhaps it’s because your parents recognized your overdeveloped sense of responsibility early on, and came to rely on you more as an equal than as someone they needed to give lots of guidance to. Many people live their whole lives without ever realizing that they could actually be friends with their moms, dads, or kids—even though they’ve managed to make friends with their friends’ parents or rug rats. This week, help bridge this intergenerational gap—the parent-child thing isn’t working anymore for someone (possibly even you). Update that software and start running the friends version. I think it’ll serve everyone better.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Won’t you join me—and everyone else you know—for a cup of tea? You need some companionable downtime at the moment, after the frenzy of the last month or so. A cup of tea is just about the right speed: low commitment, gentle conversation, and a chance to simply chill out and recover from so many recent ups and downs. Everything’s been so intense lately. While that’s not a bad thing, it’s just too exhausting to keep up. Becoming a hermit—your natural inclination under the circumstances—is just as extreme, however, in its own way. Therefore I recommend being as social as you can this week, but keep it as low key as you can, too.
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