By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

More and more studies are implying that calorie deprivation may extend lifespan. Eat less (while maintaining nutrition) and you just might add years to your life. It seems to work for rats, mice, and monkeys, at least. This is the kind of equation that’s pleasing to Libras. Take one thing off one side of the scale, and get some kind of payback on the other. However, what about those sacrifices whose payoff isn’t a sure thing? What good does it do you to be kind to some stranger, for example? This week is full of uncertain formulas, where your actions have unknowable consequences. In those cases, you can’t be guided by self-interest. However, don’t despair; it’s still quite simple: Do what’s right, whether it’ll obviously help you or not.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

People pretend at shit all the time. They pretend to know what they’re talking about when they taste a wine; they imagine they’re experts on politics, or world change, or morality. But most of them are dilettantes at best and self-deluding jackasses at worst. When you meet someone who really knows their shit, it’s obvious—often because they’re so cool and low-key about it. They don’t need to pose or try too hard or even necessarily say anything. Why should they? They know what they know and how many other people get it (or don’t) can’t change that. You don’t need to prove yourself either, so don’t bother trying—it just drags you down.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You of all people should know how suddenly and completely things can change. What seems on Wednesday a hopelessly intractable situation can flip on Friday, becoming a scenario where your prospects are actually bright. Of course, the reverse is also possible, in which a stellar future becomes a grim one overnight. In any case, don’t get too comfortable this week, as sudden reversals like these are the name of the game. You can, of course, adapt to whatever your new circumstances are—as long as you’re not too busy congratulating or berating yourself for whatever’s happened.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This week could be a camel-back-breaking straw. Capricorns are generally pretty careful about taking too much on, so even though you’re ambitious, you’re also efficient and good at time management. In fact, the only way you get overloaded is by taking on the little shit that you can’t easily say no to. You’ve got a full schedule, but then you’re asked to do one more tiny thing, then another, and before you know it, you’re in nervous breakdown town. It’s hard to feel okay about saying, “No, I actually can’t pick up the dry-cleaning,” or “I’m so ridiculously busy I don’t have time to meet for lunch.” Nevertheless, given your present circumstances, that’s probably what you ought to do.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I’m sensitive to caffeine. So I give my body breaks—a few months drinking coffee, a few months off. You, too, can choose what poisons to put in your body, and how much, and how often. Don’t act as if you have no choice. You’ve been a bit of a victim of your cravings (both physical and emotional) when we’d all prefer you take control. Finding a way to manage them (perhaps by eliminating them entirely, or perhaps by creating a sort of balance, as I have with coffee) is this week’s most important task.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Show me a Pisces who enjoys being rushed or hurried, and I’ll show you someone whose birth certificate’s got a typo—they must be a Virgo or an Aries. You’re sometimes subject to schedules and itineraries that aren’t at the pace you’d prefer; this week is, regrettably, chock full of rushing, deadlines, and anxious bosses, dates, and friends who are likely to dig the spurs in a bit too often. However, there’s nothing for it except to get your ass in gear and just plain hurry—or risk the job or relationship in question. Do your best. If you’re able to speed yourself up with grace, you’ll have a good chance—in a few weeks—of getting those harrying you to finally slow down.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re teetering on the edge of control freakhood. I know you’re just trying to be careful and protect yourself, but your diligence and vigilance is about to backfire. No one likes being kept on a short leash, and you’re about to hear about it unless you release your death grip, right now. The opposite extreme—turning a blind, faithful eye to everything that might be going on—would be just as bad; seek, instead, a middle path balancing caution, freedom, and trust. It may be hard to let go and give the one(s) you love some breathing room, but you’ll find that once you do, you’ll be able to breathe easier, too.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Asian honeybees, when defending their hives against rapacious (and much larger) wasps, cook them to death. They surround the wasp with dozens of bees, vibrating to produce 113° or more of heat. If it were just a handful of degrees warmer, they’d die themselves. Emulate their example. Sometimes you’ve got to take a tremendous risk to gain what you need or want. This is one of those times. If you’re not willing to lay it all on the line, whatever you do risk won’t be enough to accomplish whatever you want done. Are you willing to chance self-annihilation to achieve a beloved aspiration? How important is this goal to you, ultimately? Very important? Then prove it: Don’t hold anything back.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Last night I dreamt you had brain surgery—physicians gruesomely sawing through your skull and all. It was pretty horrible, but you were up and at ‘em later that day, climbing the five flights to your apartment without help and grumbling about what a hassle it was. I interpreted it as indication of your current ability to bounce back quickly from things that would lay others out for weeks. You’re so flighty and distractible that people see you as a featherweight, without often noticing your quirky strength and resilience. This week, you’ll have a chance to demonstrate just those qualities.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sexual relationships change or they stagnate and die (or often continue in half-dead zombie stasis for years). Toys and accessories only carry you so far; ultimately renewal and regeneration, coupled with acceptance, are the only way to make things last. Acceptance that they’ll ebb and flow, and a willingness to re-fall in love with your partner every time they become someone new. Your instinct is to always try to make things “like they were,” but it’ll get you nowhere. Go for making things “like they’ve never yet been,” and you’ll have a far better chance.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I babble when I get drunk. Put a few glasses of wine in me and I’m off and running, carried on a wave of enthusiasm that’s—for a little while, at least—virtually unstoppable. Luckily, the people I hang out with are fairly tolerant (and often downright amused) by this kind of thing. That’s why I enjoy their company. Why are you trying to force your quirky ways on people who just don’t appreciate them? They’re nothing special, and there are many other people who treasure your idiosyncrasies, after all—if this clique doesn’t get it, screw them.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The cure for piracy isn’t better encryption or law enforcement; it’s empathy. You can’t feel empathy for a massive corporation that takes the lion’s share of the money from your purchase. You need the dough more than they do. Take the evil recording industry out of the picture, though, and suddenly you’re robbing your rock idol—something that’s not as easy to do. Record companies are screwed; as long as they’re around, dipping their long dinosaur fingers into whatever money’s left in the industry, piracy will flourish. Same thing goes for your current situation: the part of the equation you don’t like depends on the part you’ve so far refused to take out of it. Rethink that, and your problem’s solved.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]