By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgos either think too much or do too much. Usually, you come to the conclusion early on in life that doing is less dangerous and more useful than thinking, so you tend to focus primarily on that, keeping yourself more busy than any two non-Virgos you know. And thinking has certainly become no less dangerous now than it’s ever been. But it might nevertheless be useful. I’m not talking about the kind of detailed over-analysis you’ve engaged in before; however an objective hour-long logical strip-down of the situation could get you further than whole days of mad sprinting ever could.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

What’s the secret of your success? Always living a balanced, moderate lifestyle and being nice to people? No freaking way. Virtually everything admirable, fascinating, or inspiring you’ve done has been during the journeys back to the center from various extremes. Your life may be about creating balance, but don’t get too good at it; you’ll bore even yourself, not to mention the rest of us. The process matters more than the result. Loosen the reins a little. Let your life slide off the rails; it’s when you’re working to get it back—to generate order from chaos—that you’ll learn (and do) the most.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’ve got a metaphorical hard-on that just won’t quit. You can’t go to the doctor for this spiritual Viagra overdose, though. What to do about it? Your eagerness (and ability) to perform is obvious to everyone nearby, so subtlety is sort of out of the question. Raising your hand to volunteer would be redundant (and just imagine the humiliation if you weren’t chosen). Here’s what you do: Step up to the plate before anyone else has a chance to. Announce that you’ll be doing the job at hand unless someone else thinks they can do it better. No one will take on that light saber duel, so your embarrassment is (mostly) averted and you’re on to the task you’re so obviously cut out to do.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

If you’re flush with ideas, a blank canvas feels like a promise. When you’re less than inspired, though, it’s more like a prison sentence. The universe isn’t exerting much pressure on you at the moment; you’re sort of faced with your life as blank page. What will you do with all that creative freedom? Whether the prospect fills you with dread or excitement, I can only guess. However, I hope you don’t waste this time paralyzed by indecision fueled by the absence or superfluity of ideas. Your respite from just reacting to what happens won’t last long, so quit stalling. Get out there and experiment, now.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

In the UK, they weigh each other using the unit “stone,” which automatically makes everything sound terribly heavy to Americans. It reminds me of all the kinds of semantic angles you’re propagating right now. They’re completely accurate, but they present the facts in such a way that people get entirely the wrong impression. So you’re putting a spin on something. Big deal. That’s what you do. What I don’t get is: why are you spinning things to make yourself look so crap? Is it your old habits of self-sabotage kicking in? Whatever the reason, cut that shit out, stat.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Why are you sometimes so lame about keeping in touch with distant friends? I can’t believe someone with a brain as big as yours could be subject to the old “out of sight, out of mind” cliché. So what’s up? Do you really think they’ve moved on, just because they’ve moved away? Or are you just lazy? I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, and while I don’t want to shame you—we’ve all been lame about this shit at times—I do want to give you a good kick in the ass. Don’t put it off longer; this is a good week to efficiently and richly communicate with all those buddies you no longer get to see.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Even whales can suffer the bends—incapacitation following a too-rapid ascent from the pressure of deep ocean. I’m going for some kind of metaphor here; you dive just as deep as those beautiful beasts. Although sudden transitions back to the real world from those dark depths probably won’t kill you, it’s still brutal. Your life has to have room for the unavoidable surface stuff as well as all the profound explorations your soul craves; you know this, and have done your best to fit both in. But you’ll be a lot happier—especially this week—if you can factor in something else you haven’t considered: transition times from one extreme to the other.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

While one of those you love can’t exactly put their stamp of approval on what you’re up to, they also can’t stop you. Screw them, right? Their opinion doesn’t really matter does it? Does it? All these other folk are egging you on, but you can’t shake the idea that this naysayer might have a point. It’s not necessarily a happy or popular point, but it may still be valid. It’s a sign of maturity when you learn to listen to smart people say things you don’t like; will your desires stand up to that kind of scrutiny and questioning, or crumble like the immature whims they’re accused of being?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Something I love about you is your secret pursuit of quirky private goals. For instance, your recent attempt to make the lightest, flakiest scones around, or to read the dictionary, cover-to-cover, in your spare time, or to drive home using the brakes as little as safely possible. These whimsical objectives are adorable; why hide them? Keeping hush-hush about them is starting to look a bit shady to those not in the know. Why allow suspicion to fester around something so essentially harmless and cute? Come clean about your idiosyncrasies. Ironically, that’ll lead to you having more time and space to pursue them.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your credibility’s shaky right now. I know that’s not fair, because a couple of your recent flake-outs were truly unavoidable and had nothing to do with you. But still—you’ve bagged on more things than you’ve come through on during the past couple weeks. Therefore you have to be really careful right now to try to improve your batting average: Absolutely don’t say things you don’t mean, or make even casual, offhand promises you can’t keep. It’s not fair for anyone to write you off on the basis of life’s recent out-of-control events. But they don’t really know you, and suspect you might be a big flake. You’ve got one chance left to prove them wrong. Don’t blow it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You’re trying to squeeze yourself into a space that’s just too small. Okay, maybe it would be big enough if you were more fluid and could assume any shape, which is how you got the idea that you might be able to fit. But please, give it up; it’s not going to happen. No matter how much weight you lose or how many limbs you bend backwards in an attempt to conform to the shape of the space provided, in the end you’ll never be able to squash your whole self inside. Spare yourself the discomfort and possible injury by giving up now. Either the box you’re supposed to cram yourself into has got to expand and change, or you’ve got to walk away.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It may seem as if you’re being opposed—that someone is actively working to thwart you in one of your most important goals. But please look closer. It’s true their methods are not yours. They do look, on the surface, as if they’re intended to screw you up. Maybe, in some cases, that is the intention. But the effect is the same—what’s going on will actually help you out. Either your opponents are so clumsy in their attempts to foil you that they’ll make things easier for you, or they’re secretly on your side and just working in a phenomenally different manner. Stop fighting them. Let them do their thing, since it is, ultimately, your thing.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]


To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]