By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Like you, I’m a major multitasker. I like surfing the Internet while watching television while playing with the dog while cooking dinner while getting dressed while tidying the room. I am always in the middle of at least 5 books (in 3 different languages). So I get it. But I also get totally dropping all those balls I’m juggling and losing my brain in a hot bath. That mindless downtime is essential; just because you need less than everyone else doesn’t mean you can go without. This week, find a way to truly lose your busy thoughts and worries, even for just a few minutes at a time, or you will simply lose it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

A while back, I told you your cat would kill and eat you if it could, and that any love you perceived coming from it was simply self-delusion. This struck home because it’s true; if I’d told you your cat was actually a pineapple, you’d just shake your head at the preposterousness of my statement; the only reason to protest (which many of you did, rigorously) is to deny what you know to be true. Facing a difficult reality is unpleasant, yet I urge you to do so anyway; shrugging off illusions is necessary for you to move on to the next chapter. Once you do, there are pleasanter truths to embrace, even about your smelly cat.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your soul is not a deep, dark cavern filled with massive white spiders, blind crickets with foot-long antennae, and strange rustlings and drippings, as some people imagine. They’re projecting, because this is how the unexplored areas of their minds look. They figure your fascination with death, sex, and other heavy shit would make your head much more terrifying, but they’re wrong. You see a dark corner, you rush in to explore it; consequently your interior landscape is surprisingly clean and well-lit. The next time you intimidate someone without meaning to, make a point of inviting them in; they’ll probably be surprised by how at home they feel there.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

How, you wonder, do people persist with their petty little concerns when we’re all going to be dead in a few decades, more or less? The answer: Denial. Most people don’t think about this shit, not like you do. It’s not because they have answers you lack, and even if they did, it’s not likely you’d be able to understand or appreciate them. It’s also not easy grappling with nihilism all by yourself, but carry on as best you can with this hard spiritual work. It’ll yield, if not an answer, a better question soon enough.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorns are vulnerable to logic. Cogent rational arguments can sway you. Try making that same argument to a Pisces or Cancer, however, and you’re usually screwed. You might as well be speaking Mandarin. However, the inverse is also true—they’re much more likely to accept a passionate emotional plea that actually makes no sense. You and your friend are having this problem: even though you’re both talking English, you’re actually speaking really different languages. They’re not in a position to realize this and alter their approach. You are. If you want this conflict to end, it’s up to you to end it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The other night I was on a roll. I guessed everyone’s sign within two tries. Alright, I had a one-in-six chance—not so impressive. Still, I never missed. Statistics would dictate otherwise. I’m not trying to convert anyone to this subversive cult of astrology or anything, especially not you Aquarians, who practice skepticism religiously. I’m just looking for a concession from you: you don’t know everything. You can’t explain away or disprove everything, try as you might. You don’t have to believe what other people give credence to—simply please admit that you might not know better.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I’m always impressed by your ability to simply take things at face value, without having to figure them out or make sense of them. But it’s a bewildering tendency for those who can’t help taking things apart and seeing how they work. Most people haven’t been around the block as often as you have. They don’t have the kind of spiritual experience that engenders that kind of acceptance. Humor and help them. When you’re presented with a conundrum this week that starts driving them crazy, don’t follow your impulse to just shrug it off and move on, leaving them alone with the puzzle. Roll up your sleeves and help them “solve” it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s rare when you get overlooked. That’s why it smarts so much when it happens. You’re so shaken and hurt when you find out your friends did something without you, especially if it’s something you might really have enjoyed. It was probably just an oversight, but even if it wasn’t, the fact that your buds wanted to do something that didn’t include you doesn’t mean they don’t adore you. Please understand, and forgive; you take up a lot of space—your friends obviously enjoy it, but maybe they need to shine once in a while, too; and it’s kind of a compliment that that’s not so easy with you around.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taureans are notorious couch potatoes. I’m not about to scold you for your TV addiction (that’d be the pot calling the kettle, there). But balance is good. You don’t want to lay on your deathbed all fat and prematurely old, with a head full of only two-dimensional memories, do you? That means exercise and doing real shit, too. Go ahead and chill in front of the tube, but make sure you end up doing stuff to acquire memories (and muscles) you’ll want to keep for years to come, not forget as soon as the episode’s over.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Last time I shaved my head it was on a whim. My hair was pretty long, too. As I was doing it, I was trying to channel you and your willingness to just go with spontaneously-made decisions without over-thinking them or second-guessing them once you’re on the path you’ve chosen. Oh sure, you do occasionally double back or over-analyze things, like everybody, but you’re generally more willing to be spontaneous than nearly everyone I know. I could use some lessons, and so could a few of your other friends. This week, dole out the wisdom, and since it’s about being spontaneous, please have fun doing it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You’re not in the zone, yet. The thing about being in the zone is you rarely notice you’re in the zone; in fact, once you notice, it’s hard to stay there—it’s like trying to not wake up once you’ve noticed you’re dreaming. The zone is characterized by total absorption in the task at hand; time passes without you even noticing, and that extra concentration yields better than usual results. You can’t force it, of course, but you can set yourself up to get the most out of it once it comes, by smoothing out all the logistics of your to-do list (and gathering relevant materials) ahead of time—that way, when you hit the zone, you don’t have to spend time buying paper or figuring out exactly how to do something—you can just do it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I got tons of hate mail a while back (because I told the Librans an unpleasant truth (that their cats would kill and eat them if they could). Many people lashed out rather than accept this simple, if distasteful fact, but I’m guessing I’d never have gotten this kind of reaction from you, Leos. Your optimism isn’t so easily daunted. You can accept your cat’s carnivorous, wild nature without your whole reality sucking ass. You’re able to look at the bright side of having a companion whose submission can be mistaken for adoration. Consistently looking at the bright side is a skill that’ll come in handy this week. Practice it.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]