By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’d never guess that your friends and family have heard the bit about letting sleeping dogs lie, from the way they seem bound and determined to consistently disturb your attempts at rest this week. To their credit, they only want to give you a friendly pat, or maybe a vigorously affectionate belly rub. Try not to snarl at them despite your surprise (and irritation). Be as gracious as you can, Leo, because nastiness won’t deter them from bugging you; it’ll just turn each tender cuddle and well-meant kiss to ice water and a kick in the ribs.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I’d hate for you to start ascribing to dumb-ass cheesy aphorisms like that bit about making lemonade from life’s lemons. But you are going to have to try to find a way to sweeten the current mix, or you’ll be left scowling at the sour taste in your mouth for months to come. The things that befall you this week aren’t going to taste delicious on their own, or seem remotely desirable, to be absolutely honest. But looked at in the right way, and mixed with the right other ingredients, they don’t have to actually be bad. In fact, like a perfect lemonade, if you find the perfect balance, they could be exactly the thing to satisfy (and refresh) you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Plants spread out their leaves like hands to catch as much sunlight as possible. They don’t do it because it makes them beautiful, or provides us with shade, or offers cover for squirrels. It’s purely a survival mechanism. If you were a plant, however, you’d be shriveled and half-dead, because you haven’t made enough of an effort to catch the stuff that sustains you. You know what you need to do to get yourself fed. Spread out your leaves and thrive. Enjoy another side benefit, too: the gratitude of photographers awestruck by your beauty, picnicking lovers basking in your cool shadow, and cute furry animals offering to stick their nuts in your holes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

What would you do if I told you that no one would notice if you left the blocks for this particular race five seconds before the starting pistol went off? I hope you’d stay where you are and begin the sprint at the same time as everyone else. You don’t need any artificial advantages at the moment, and things aren’t so desperate and cutthroat that this kind of cheating is merited or necessary. Go on and win that race without handicapping the other players; that way you’ll be able to look them in the eye when they shake your hand.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re the New York City cab drivers of the zodiac; you’ll pick anyone up as long as they can pay the fare. And you’re cheap, compared to drivers in most other places; anyone in possession of a good true story (or, occasionally, a very sweet ass) can afford it. Don’t let anyone talk you into a different business, or change the way you do things now; you’re doing something that makes you happy, and you’re good at it. So what if there’s more money elsewhere? So what if you could be milking your current situation for more? Good stories (and sweet asses) have always been enough for you before. Don’t let anyone else’s judgment change that.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Resist that whole fight-or-flight thing. It’s hard to combat millennia of finely-honed instinct, but those ancient impulses no longer serve you the way they once did. Right now to survive and thrive you need more than your monkey ancestry can give you, like cunning, reason, and wit. Doing battle or fleeing are both losing strategies. What about rounding up enough allies so that actual conflict is avoided (for fear of your forces’ greater strength)? Perhaps your opponent could be felled with words (preferably over the phone, so fists can’t get involved no matter how heated things get). If worse comes to worst, don’t run. Hide. Cache yourself underwater and suck air through a reed. Whoever’s after you will pass you by soon.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The fact that you’re still having the same fight you had last year means you haven’t changed enough. Never mind that whoever you’re arguing with ought to change, as they’re in the wrong. Never mind even that they should at least meet you halfway, but haven’t bothered. Those are all moot points, as they pertain to aspects of the situation that you have absolutely no power to affect, and aren’t likely to change significantly any time soon. They won’t yield or back off. In this particular case, it’s up to you to do all the bending. That, or all the walking away.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You have such a hard time with other people’s expectations; they hang over you like a shroud, making everything fuzzy, muddled, slow. Sometimes it feels like it might be impossible to get out from under them. I get it; no one could live up to all the things people demand of you. But it’s not an all-or-nothing situation. Your instincts scream: “Walk (or run) away!” But you’d only disappoint everyone. Take a step back, to be sure. There’s actually a lot in that mess that you can actually handle. There’s no way not to disappoint some or most of those making demands. So what? Screw them. Pick and choose the things you can and want to do, and leave the rest—along with their associated guilt trips.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s a terrible time to buy a house or make any serious investments in your future; unless you’re very, very lucky, they’re likely to disappoint or even backfire. There is something you can do with the money burning a hole in your pocket, though: invest in your present. Acquire stuff and experiences that improve your life right now. Make every minute of this week as sweet and satisfying as you possibly can, within your budget. And don’t worry (or even think) too much about the weeks and months to come; keep living this way, and they’ll take care of themselves.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don’t go overboard. Right now you’ve got a certain amount of well-earned power and influence. Some might even call it the upper hand. Please don’t abuse it; that’s the surest route off this perch and to an ignominious sprawl in the mud. Perhaps you’ve forgotten what first got you started on the path that led exactly here. I guarantee you it wasn’t to be a big-shot or to even call all the shots. What use is power if you don’t actually exercise it, you ask? I ask your question back: What use is it, indeed? Don’t act until you’ve come up with a positive answer.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

All is not as it appears this week. For reasons too complicated to explain—or perhaps, in some cases, even to understand—there’s likely to be a lot of subterfuge, illusion, and deception. So restrain your knee-jerk reactions until you know what’s really going on. That person who punched you in the nose might have only been trying to get close enough to slip a wad of money into your pocket without anyone suspecting. That “no” to your proposal may have only been a test to see how much you really want it. Why someone does something a certain way isn’t always obvious. It’s time to deepen your game and figure out the moves behind the moves behind the moves.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I’m a New Moon partier. The first quarter is my ideal time to go out and live it up. I’m a little out of sync with most of humanity in this department; Full Moons are more traditionally the time to get smashed, go dancing, and screw one’s brains out. But next week I’m going to find my people, the rare ones who know how to live it up during the dark of the moon (the New Moon is August 2nd). Won’t you join me? Whatever you usually do, try it my way this coming week. Be as social and party-oriented as you can. Some unique experiences (that could never happen during the looniness of a Full Moon) await.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]


To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]