By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You can be pretty scary. Despite that, you often wish for a more formidable (secret) arsenal: switchblades stashed in your boots, nunchuks up your sleeves, and poison concealed beneath a tricky filling in your molar. You don’t need this kind of deadly might, because if you had it, you’d be tempted to use it—and ninety-nine times out of a hundred, you’d wish you hadn’t, afterwards. Stick to the painful pressure of your claw-like grip, the sharp lash of your tongue, and good old kicks in the ass to get your way—the consequences for these, if you regret them, are a lot easier to fix and get over.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It’s rare when you and your fiery cousins, those hotheaded Aries, clash. That’s why you both might be totally shocked by, and unequipped to deal with, this week’s difference of opinions. Neither of you is especially conservative, but nevertheless the roots of your caution may hold you back, for different reasons (as they’re sunk deep into different soil). If you want to amiably end this, don’t try cutting the Rams free from the ideas that are holding them back; they’ll only give ground when you do. Instead, saw yourself free with every ounce of logic and passion you possess. (Or duke it out forever. Your choice.)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

What you’re suffering from is a touch of acute spiritual hypochondria. You’re imagining ills that simply aren’t there, or projecting onto minor occurrences far more serious consequences than are strictly merited. I hope you can trust me enough to be relieved by that; your mountains are indeed molehills, at least this time. Treat them accordingly, even if that conflicts with the emotions they elicit. Those intense and out-of-proportion feelings are only temporary; your cool head will prevail soon. Believe me, the alternative—whatever crazy-ass drama arises from those molehills—won’t go away nearly so easily.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Puke and get it over with. You’ll feel better, most likely, and it’s certainly better than allowing the dread and nausea to build (and eventually regurgitating anyway). Same goes for the band-aid you’re reluctant to just yank off, or the cold swimming pool you’re hesitant to plunge right into. In other words, don’t drag out the torture; by doing so, you’re only amplifying it. The discomfort (or even pain) you’re doomed to suffer isn’t actually so bad; at least it’s quick, and easily forgotten, and by postponing it, you just feed it and make it worse, as well as delaying the sweeter times that await.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You don’t startle easily, or else you hide it well. That’s good, because this week is full of little surprises, and you’d lose major face if you jumped and shrieked like a little wimp at every one. Not all of them are bad, luckily—of course that means that not all of them are good, either. But I hope you’re willing to take the good with the bad, and vice versa (all the while keeping your cool, naturally), without undue focus on one or the other. The worst thing you could do is draw conclusions about “the way your life is” from this week’s events. You’re not inherently unlucky or lucky, and the universe isn’t trying to set you up for a shock-induced heart attack. This week, no matter what it seems, isn’t the rule, only a compelling exception.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The idea of you rejecting freedom in favor of what could be called limitation, commitment, and responsibility seems as unlikely as snow in July. In the southern hemisphere, however, July is the dead of winter, and frosty precipitation isn’t so unheard of. Get ready, Sag; your world’s about to get turned on its head. I know I keep harping on the topic, but your ideas about freedom and what it really means are outdated; their revision is long overdue. Forget your teenage concept of autonomy; what you need now is different (and it’ll be different again in ten years). Don’t give up your quest for ever-expanding horizons. Just keep it fresh and updated; that means not pursuing, out of habit, sour dreams that are long past their sell-by dates.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Even my seemingly indefatigable Labrador will balk at swimming out to fetch his ball after the 150th throw. I think even he’s surprised to discover that there’s a limit. You, too, have limits, even for things you love and want more than anything in the world. You may come up against some of those this week, and instead of being disappointed, I hope you can find some way to feel, I don’t know—relieved? Serene? Satisfied? The list of potential reactions to this revelation goes on and on, and only a couple of items on it are “negative.” For you to focus solely (or even mainly) on those would be a shame.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

After years of exhausting, depressing, angering crap like our shitty (lack of) gun control laws, and blatant, persistent institutionalized racism on so many levels, I could see even stubborn idealists like you getting down, Aquarius. But of course that’s the time we need to dig a bit deeper and keep up the fight to make things better. When things seem hopeless, we need to search harder for sources of hope. Sometimes we need to create them. And there are few better suited to such tasks than you brilliant Water Bearers. Please don’t give up. We need you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Pisceans appeal to me because you’re the sign I have the hardest time wrapping my head around. It’s nearly impossible for me to guess what you’ll do in a given situation, or even how you’ll react. I like being around you because I’m not (that) afraid of the unknown. Some of the other people in your life, however, are more fearful of things they simply can’t understand. It’s not your job, of course, to make yourself into a predictable clone, just so they can feel safe. But it could be your job to help them feel safe (or at least not terrified) when surrounded by chaos. Consider it your good deed of the week.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s hard to move when you’ve got the world on your shoulders. You might find yourself feeling embarrassingly limited and completely unable to budge an inch forward, even when your teammates are shouting encouragement from the sidelines and every ounce of your being wants to take that next step. It’s humbling, isn’t it, to come up so hard against your own limits? Don’t feel too bad; no one could move proceed while carrying what you’re trying to carry. Too much of that weight isn’t your responsibility. Let go of at least some, and preferably most, of it, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Can you tell the difference between stark raving mad and batshit insane? How about between puritanical prudishness and catholic conservatism? Since all your choices this week are between undesirable and undetectably different shades of gray, I hereby give you permission to abstain from them. None of them are especially important, although the brimstone and bluster surrounding them might indicate otherwise. They’re idiots. You know it, I know it; only they’re still in the dark. Don’t bother enlightening them; they can’t hear that shit. The only thing they’d actually understand is that you’d entered the fray, which is the last thing you want to waste your time doing.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re like the opposite of the princess with the pea. She couldn’t rest because of one tiny irregularity buried beneath her mountain of mattresses. You, on the other hand, have been sleeping like a baby, despite the whole skeleton tucked under your paper-thin futon. Maybe you didn’t put it there. Perhaps you’ve gotten used to it. You might even, perversely, like having it around. But the thing deserves a proper burial, regardless of your comfort. And that, of course, means pulling it out of hiding and letting everyone involved decide what to do with it. Don’t worry; it’s not going to be as bad as you think, and, believe it or not—you will sleep much better afterwards.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]


To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]