Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis are well-adjusted people. Your dual nature is rife with internal checks and balances: You’re sick, but you’re funny; self-absorbed, but affectionate; overly-talkative, but entertaining; spoiled but generous; picky but adventurous. However, this array of internal contrasts is incredibly confusing to some simpler folk who only believe in or are one thing at a time. Because you actually need a few of these dolts on your side, help them. Dumb down your self-presentation so they can wrap their minds around it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sand fleas. Your week is infested with them. You’ve developed an emotional buffer zone; emotional tides no longer seriously erode your shoreline of self-belief. But all that work won’t help you; there are no floods expected, only a plague of pests, metaphorical sand fleas biting your ankles and tender places and making you itchy and bitchy. This isn’t a beach you can simply walk away from. These tenacious critters are likely to come with you. There’s only one thing you can do: Marshal your patience, sit down, and pick them off. Whether you crush or drown them is up to you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Felling a tree requires tremendous stamina and effort, especially one as old and thick as the one before you. However, you require more than determination (which you have in spades). Without the proper tools you’re screwed. Right now you’re equipped with a puny steak knife, bound to snap before you’ve properly penetrated the bark. Luckily there are better tools (read: people) who can help you get the job done. Be careful who you choose, though. Avoid the top-notch superstar. They may be the metaphorical equivalent of a chainsaw, but they work solo and break down or run out of fuel easily. A better choice might be the pair of good old-fashioned ax-wielding lumberjacks who don’t need to shine and are just happy to get the job done.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The first impression most people get of you is of a very high-maintenance person. It’s partially accurate. What isn’t immediately apparent, is your maintenance routines are almost completely self-contained. In other words, they don’t know you’re good at taking care of nearly all your own needs, as well as accepting some of the burdens those around you carry. The new people who are just getting to know you need to know this, too, and fast, or they’ll ditch you for someone who seems easier to handle (but actually isn’t).
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re not a storm-the-gate type. Flat-out attacking a fortress, like the one before you, just isn’t your style. You’re more likely to lay in a quiet siege. Starve them out. You’re patient. Eventually, whoever you’re trying to get to has got to open up, right? Not this time. There’s too much pride lurking inside those metaphorical castle walls. They’re not going to let you in (or come out) until you’ve shown them you really want it. Unless you make a convincing show of trying to scale the battlements or batter down the door, they’ll starve before they let you (or anybody) in.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Every one of your exes still masturbates to your memory. It doesn’t matter if you ended on horrible terms, screaming filthy curses at each other, or if you never saw each other again after that final bout of break-up sex. I can guarantee they still think about you. This is one of your superpowers. Don’t abuse it (hopefully you learned that lesson after your 138th screw-up). Wielding your magical ability to make a permanent sexual imprint on someone can yield a win-win (or even a win-win-win) this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Watch your weight, baby. You’ve got to stay fit and lean (or at least no fatter than you already are) for summer’s adventures. This week’s astrological influences aren’t going to help you in this department. If you don’t develop some serious resistance you’re going to have to buy bigger, looser clothing. It’s an easy choice, really. Watch: butter and chocolate now, or sex and excitement all summer.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Caps are the fiercest partiers in the zodiac. No one knows how to turn it up better than you; it’s that whole work hard, play hard thing. With next week’s astrological influences dosing your sign with three different flavors of intoxication, you’re in for some wild times. You’ll probably end up playing harder than you have yet this year. If you want to rock out with your metaphorical cock out next week, you need to press it to the grindstone this one.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Get used to the nagging feeling you’re missing something big. It’s astrologically-induced. What you’ve actually forgotten (or perhaps procrastinated about so long you delusionally thought it went away) isn’t your sunglasses, wallet, or house key. It’s something you were supposed to say or do ages ago. The reason the stars are plaguing you now is that it’s almost too late. Either you do it right now, or you kick yourself at least until 2020.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
A stand of saplings has sprouted in your spiritual backyard. They’re pretty, but they’re blocking sunlight from hitting your house, and, more importantly, the garden you need to survive. They’ve got to go. Whether any trees (or dreams, or relationships) need to die, though, is up to you; they’re still small enough to dig up and transplant. Which will you inflict on these saplings: tremendous suffering (and possible survival), or a quick death? It’s a tough choice, but do all concerned a favor by making it consciously, and not by default.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
We already know it’s all about you. Given this week’s astrological influences, it might be difficult to imagine that everyone you know isn’t fascinated by whatever strokes of fantastic or horrible fortune have lately befallen you. They’re not interested, though, at least not as consistently or passionately as you think. We love you, dearly, but this kind of babble is best reserved for your therapist or diary. Give us what we want, darling: the lowdown, not the breakdown.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I love the way a ripe, juicy peach tastes after a day in the ocean, the sharp sweet tang as it washes the salt from my mouth. I only mention it because you’re fruit this week, too. Not in any tacky slangy way, but in exactly this one: you have the power to provide a refreshing and satisfying contrast to the bitter ocean most of the people you know are stuck swimming in all day, with just a joke or a smile. You can’t imagine how much they need what you have to offer. Don’t deny them.
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