By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Sabrina Carpenter arrives at the Radio Disney Music Awards at the Microsoft Theater on Saturday, April 30, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Crazy shit could go down this week. Your trusted partner (business or romantic) could ditch you. You could lose your job, or your best work buddies. Anything and everything you take for granted could be set adrift. I know this kind of thing is especially alarming for you Bulls, but listen, don’t panic. What you need now is to focus on the new places you can explore, ahead of you on the horizon, not the boats that are threatening to capsize behind you. They’ll either sink or survive, but in the meantime, cast your nets wide for new connections—new boats. Prepare for unusual sources of connection, and stability—they’re most likely to come from people you’d never expect.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Try watching TV with the sound turned off, or watching people dance without being able to hear the music. You’ll start to get the idea of what you ought to avoid this week. You’ve got two fantastic assets: your skilled, sensitive hands, and your speedy silver tongue. Make them work together and you’re a star. One without the other and you’re screwed; phone conversations, emails, and their ilk will likely yield the opposite of their intended effects. Steer clear, in favor of marionette shows, sign language interpretation, or talking dirty while having sex—weirdly safe, fun places where you just can’t go wrong.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sagittarians are at least as different from you as your polar opposite, Capricorn. They’re generally laid-back and easy-going where you’re passionate and—admit it, now—somewhat controlling. They shy away from sentimentality and expression of heavy emotion; you live for these things. This week, though, they’ll have tons of that stuff. What happens to this abundance of emotional energy with nowhere to go? Ridiculous fights, that’s what. Massive dramas will erupt over the stupidest little things (and none of the important ones). Unwarned, it can really screw with you Crabs, who can get swept up in the mess so easily. But now that you know, I hope you’ll be avoiding this kind of thing (which might involve avoiding other people) like the plague.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Now that the sun is about to blow over into the windy terrain of those goofy Geminis, you have a chance to give special focus to the roles that silly sign usually occupies in your life: friends with benefits, sweet, casual long-term friendships, secret work allies, and the like. It’s hardly unheard of, but Geminis and Leos rarely hook up for the deep, heavy stuff. Your low-stress camaraderie is a blast, but it doesn’t always weather real hardship well. Keep that in mind when doors to deeper connections with Geminis seem to open this week. Really taking things there isn’t impossible, but it takes work, and, probably, a long time. Could things quite simply be better as they are? Choose well; once you’ve stepped through one of these openings, there’s no going back.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Heartfelt wishes can come true (or at least sort of true) this week. So, unfortunately, can heartfelt curses. Whenever you mix real feelings with your desires (whether positive or negative) right now, it’s liable to have some concrete effect in the world around you. I hereby drag out that tired cliché: be careful what you wish for. Feeling guilty (even in an abstract New Agey karmic way) at funerals isn’t fun. Now’s the time for your best, most generous and enlightened self to take the reins. Meditate as often as necessary. In other words, if you can’t think anything nice, don’t think anything at all.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Everyone plays this tricky game: convincing yourself that you want what you ought to want, instead of acknowledging (and going for) what you really want, no matter how socially, financially, or aesthetically “unacceptable.” Libras, however, are especially susceptible to this curse. They often find themselves coolly married to people who fit some “ideal partner” image, instead of to those who arouse real passion. Attraction rarely conforms to

your mental ideals. If you can let yourself pursue your lustiest, most powerful fantasies instead of your safest, “smartest” ones, your life will become much, much richer. It’s that simple.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

How long has it been, actually, that you’ve been holed up in your apartment, alone, Netflixing and chilling? I’m not saying you need to quit any of your favorite habits, but your substitutes for actual life are getting the best of you. Come on, go outside. Enjoy a little sunshine, maybe some human contact. All your secret, private pleasures will still be waiting for you when you get back. The beautiful thing is, if you manage to really involve yourself in what’s going on this week, you’ll still be able to enjoy them when you have time to, but you’ll no longer need them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

When your kid gets the chicken pox, you might want to make them wear mittens, to prevent scratching and scarring. You might want to take preventative measures yourself, to keep from creating similar unsightly blemishes in your life; your temper is liable to flare this week, and it might be best if you limit the kind of damage you can do, should you lose control of yourself. Protect yourself as well as those around you. Of course, nothing might happen. But wrapping yourself in an emotional mitten, limiting movement (and your ability to manipulate), might be a good idea, just in case.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

So you feel like a whore. So what? Everyone prostitutes themselves in some way at some point in their lives. It’s part of life. Whether you’re actually peddling your ass on a street corner or just selling your precious time, happiness, and freedom in a corporate office, it’s all more or less the same. Sometimes you get a bum deal. You get your cash and realize it’s not worth whatever sacrifice you made for it. Oh well. It sucks, but there’s nothing you can do now—except learn from your mistake. Keep it from happening again. Study this lesson well, or it will, soon.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Bank on your brilliance. There are times to cruise along on your achievements and not push things too much, and then there are times when you ought to just cash in. This week it’s not enough to just let things happen, not when pushing will yield so much. Everything around you is soft and malleable, primed for shaping and maneuvering. A diligent, determined, and ambitious Aquarian could put herself in an amazing position right now, without hardly offending or displacing anyone else. It doesn’t matter what your goals are—a little creative life-sculpting can bring you much closer to them, right now. Get started; I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t try.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re going to love this. You’re officially off the hook this week. You don’t need to deal with any real world bullshit at all. There’s no point, at the moment; you might as well ask your dog to do trigonometry. Bills, laundry, business crap—these are all in some incomprehensible foreign language right now. Instead focus on what is right up your alley this week: art, music, dreams, all that kind of rose-colored shit. It’ll feel good, you’ll get a lot done, and ironically—albeit possibly in a very roundabout way—you’ll also get a lot closer to settling all the practical shit you were avoiding in the first place.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You have no trouble indulging your whims. You want what you want, regardless of the assumptions reality attempts to impose upon you, and your life simply has to transform to accommodate your desires. You know from your experience that this often doesn’t work out exactly as you might wish. That might be the case this week, too, as your lusts (sexual or otherwise) conflict with your budget, values, or the desires of those around you. If I were you, and they weren’t too negative or dangerous, I’d indulge them anyway. It might screw some things up in the short run, but in the long run, not letting an Aries be an Aries is more screwed up by far.

Celebrity Birthdays

Billy Joel: May 9, 1949

Bono: May 10, 1960

Sabrina Carpenter: May 11, 1999 (pictured)

Tony Hawk: May 12, 1968

Robert Pattinson: May 13, 1986

Mark Zuckerberg: May 14, 1984

Ray Lewis: May 15, 1975

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sabrina Carpenter arrives at the Radio Disney Music Awards at the Microsoft Theater on Saturday, April 30, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)
http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/web1_AP945597545451-1-1-1.jpgSabrina Carpenter arrives at the Radio Disney Music Awards at the Microsoft Theater on Saturday, April 30, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)
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To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

Celebrity Birthdays

Billy Joel: May 9, 1949

Bono: May 10, 1960

Sabrina Carpenter: May 11, 1999 (pictured)

Tony Hawk: May 12, 1968

Robert Pattinson: May 13, 1986

Mark Zuckerberg: May 14, 1984

Ray Lewis: May 15, 1975