By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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From left, Jodie Sweetin, Andrea Barber, Lori Loughlin and Candace Cameron-Bure attend the premiere of "Fuller House" on Tuesday, Feb. 16, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Yank off that band-aid. You’ve got (metaphorically, of course) very hairy arms, and removing that sticky strip is going to hurt no matter how you do it. Why prolong your pain? Just grab an edge and swiftly tug the thing free. Not getting my comparison? Let me be more obvious: Extricating yourself from the situation you’re in can be either slow and torturous, or quick, sharp, and clean. The choice, to me, is ridiculously clear. Nevertheless you’ve been considering (and perhaps even attempting) the cautious and excruciating route. End your (and everyone’s) suffering, and just get it over with, right now.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When you get something right, it’s very rare that you don’t take credit for it. You’re not shy about it. You step right up there and receive your reward and acclaim. And why shouldn’t you? You did good. Well, I’m afraid the same attitude must apply to your mistakes as well. If you’ve messed up, the only way you can redeem yourself in the eyes of your colleagues, family, or friends is to take unabashed responsibility for the error. You’re eminently forgivable—once you’ve asked for forgiveness. But until you own up to what you did wrong, no one’s going to give you anything but shade.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Time for a haircut, a diet, a new wardrobe, a change of scenery, and perhaps even a new main companion. Don’t tell me you’re scared of transformation. (If you are, then I may already be too late.) However, I suspect you’re kind of tired of the way your life’s been going lately. This is the time to wreak an absolute metamorphosis on your existence, to the point where it (and you) are almost unrecognizable. Get rid of everything (and everyone) who doesn’t work, especially those who seek to control you or drag you down with their lame ass, boring attitudes. What are you really about? It’s a good time to figure that shit out, and act on it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Someone’s counting on your tenacity. They’re trusting your crablike determination, hoping that, like one of those rebellious little crustaceans, once you’ve gotten your claws into something (or someone), you simply won’t let go. They need you to hang on so that they can act out all their worst behavior and still (astonishingly) not lose you. That’s why I’m urging you to counter your own nature and just release, right now. Sometimes you ought to put up with some shit; that’s part of what a commitment is. But this is likely to go too far. Express your boundaries, and then wipe your hands clean; whether they get to keep you around or not will be up to them.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Spring cleaning time, Leo. Personally, I’m going on a fast this week. I may get my hair cut. I’ll definitely clean my house, pay all my old bills, reorganize my desk, and basically do everything I can to completely eliminate clutter and waste. Follow my example. Once we’ve cleared out enough of the crap, some cool new (or forgotten) shit is bound to be exposed and fondly (re)adopted. Once that clarity’s in my grasp, I’ll make a list about the coming year’s intentions and put it up on the wall. Sounds corny, I know, but it will actually work. Try it. After all, what’s the harm in giving it a go? You can thank me next year.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Okay, here’s a review, since you’re having trouble enforcing the boundaries you require. You’re a supercharged battery. Of course people will try to tap into all that power and use it to fuel their own agendas. It’s hard to say no, because you’re kind, and you do have energy to spare. Yet you must refuse nevertheless; all this juice shouldn’t go to those who are simply the most aggressive about grabbing it or demanding it. Cut off those vampires and leeches at once. You come first. Take care of yourself—for real; I’m not kidding around. Then, and only then, decide who gets what’s left. Key concept: You choose, not submit to whichever prick is the pushiest.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

What am I supposed to say? Don’t use your charm and good looks to get what you want? That’s like asking someone to go swimming with their arms tied behind their back. It’s a ridiculous proposition, one that deserves scorn, not consideration. Now, as long as you don’t make promises you can’t or don’t want to keep, I don’t think a sly wink here or a brilliant smile there is going to do any lasting harm to anyone. In fact, if you do it right, your flirting can make everyone feel good, even while they fulfill your every wish.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When you made a certain leap of faith a few months back, I was very proud of you, and especially pleased about how you resisted jumping to conclusions once you’d landed on the other side of the unknown. Instead, you patiently hung back and waited to see how things played out. Hanging back no longer works, though. Step up. Show that you’re truly committed to the life you’ve chosen. If you can’t do that now, you’ll never be able to. In other words, if you can’t say yes to everything that’s on the table right at this moment, you’re better off getting out, swiftly and completely, for everyone’s sake.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Picture yourself in some craphole apartment. So many different tenants have passed through this dump that there are three inches of paint on the walls, and at least five layers of linoleum and carpeting on the floors, one on top of another. What with all the random scraps of junky furniture abandoned by previous occupants, it’s gotten pretty ugly. It certainly doesn’t suit you. Here’s the thing. I’m talking about a couple of the rooms in your head. They’ve gotten pretty ghetto. Isn’t it time you did the (admittedly hard) work to expose the beautiful hardwood floors and gorgeous antique molding on the walls, buried beneath all that crap? After all, you’re not exactly renting—you own this place. Isn’t it time you fixed it up nice, regardless of who did what to it before?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Improving your own position right now may not be possible. Nevertheless, you’re ideally situated to help someone else, someone who’s not doing as well as you. Don’t try to hide your benevolence (or charity, as some might see it), though. Make sure the person actually wants and needs what you’re offering. Be honest about your motivations and perspective, because any lie you tell (no matter how “white” or well-intentioned) will just backfire and screw you over. There’s no need to force aid on anyone despite their desires. Those truly in need of what you’re able to give will accept it gratefully.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Wanderlust is taking hold. It’s springtime and the urge to fly somewhere and have some real purpose is probably almost irresistible. Go with it, by all means. Screw practicality; that’s for androids and accountants. Keep making choices that will make your life interesting, fun, and passionate, not safe. But let me add to that one reasonable word of caution: avoiding the safe options doesn’t mean you need to be stupid and select the most foolhardy and impractical ones. Your gut knows there are “right” places for you to go and things for you to do. Relentlessly and diligently seek those out.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re never accused of being shy, but the truth is you are, a little. Sure, when push comes to shove, you always rise to the occasion, but short of that pressure, you occasionally timidly hang back a little. It’s sometimes good strategy to let others take the lead, occupy the spotlight, while you remain the clever sexy one hovering at the edges. But the wallflower routine isn’t really you. Let go of that shit. You deserve more from yourself: nothing short of absolute confidence will do. You’re hot shit, and you need to act the part; anything else is a lie.

Celebrity Birthdays

Robert Downey Jr.: April 4, 1965

Pharrell Williams: April 5, 1973

Candace Cameron-Bure (pictured): April 6, 1976

Jackie Chan: April 7, 1954

Matthew Healy: April 8, 1989

Kristen Stewart: April 9, 1990

Daisy Ridley: April 10, 1992

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

From left, Jodie Sweetin, Andrea Barber, Lori Loughlin and Candace Cameron-Bure attend the premiere of "Fuller House" on Tuesday, Feb. 16, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)
http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/web1_Candace-Cameron-Bure.jpgFrom left, Jodie Sweetin, Andrea Barber, Lori Loughlin and Candace Cameron-Bure attend the premiere of "Fuller House" on Tuesday, Feb. 16, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)
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To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

Celebrity Birthdays

Robert Downey Jr.: April 4, 1965

Pharrell Williams: April 5, 1973

Candace Cameron-Bure (pictured): April 6, 1976

Jackie Chan: April 7, 1954

Matthew Healy: April 8, 1989

Kristen Stewart: April 9, 1990

Daisy Ridley: April 10, 1992