Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t be a rebel this week. You’ll just get squashed. Please, we need your powerful resistance to authority—that’s why choosing when you’ll oppose it and when you’ll abide by it is crucial. This week, some petty little bureaucrat’s likely to try to thwart you. You know you could knock this loser on their ass, but I’d advise you not to, galling as it may be to simply heed their tiny, ridiculous tyranny. Why? This petty authoritarian is just an unimaginative, buzzing little bee, easily swatted. But guess what? Anger them and the second they get a chance, they’ll fetch the entire hive, and you’ll, quite simply, be screwed.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Romance is in the air this week. Sure, it’s mostly of the cliché variety: long walks on the beach, gorgeous sunsets, red wine picnics, that sort of thing. But so what? Part of you loves that shit, admit it. Go ahead and indulge yourself—even if you’re by yourself. It’s what right, for the moment: taking simple pleasure in your existence. It doesn’t have to be outrageously original—what is, anyway? Just enjoy the sweet moments available to you right now—with whomever is able to revel in them with you, or alone, if no one’s nearby who’d get it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Focus on action, not dialogue. Words will just mess you up. Avoid them, please, as much as humanly possible. If you could go the whole week without uttering a single syllable, that’d be ideal. Chatting, gossip, monologuing: all currently taboo activities. However, your silver tongue still needs exercise, so have it wrestle another, instead of wrapping itself around complex ideas. That’s right. My advice this week: say it with a kiss. Don’t stop there, either. Be as physical as you dare. The more you stay in your body and out of your head, the happier, healthier, and hotter you’ll be.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Heal the rift. You know what I’m talking about: the crack that’s fractured your most important relationship(s). You have the power this week to patch it up, but you have to find it and (gently) explore exactly how wide and deep it is before you can do a proper repair job. You also need to accept that things will never be as they once were, never so seamless and perfect. The damage has been done. But even though it’s not in your power to hide the fracture completely, you’re perfectly capable of another minor (and, I think, better) miracle: making the whole, while less “flawless,” innately stronger and more crack resistant than before.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re surrounded by fakes. I don’t want to make you paranoid; believe me, you attract your fair share of genuinely sincere people as well. But this week it’s both tricky and crucial to figure out which is which. Suspect flattery. No matter how much you may deserve the compliments, they’re almost certainly fueled by some ulterior motive. Charm is a tool, and it can be quite effective when it comes to manipulating you, when you’re not on your guard. I don’t want to make you immune to the goodwill of others, however, so don’t let this week’s necessities become next week’s bad habits. Just turn up the scrutiny temporarily. Later, go back to taking people’s words at face value—life’s better that way.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Beware of binging. Your abundance of restless energy is usually an asset, but only because you’re generally so good at directing it towards constructive endeavors. But when your willpower flags or you get distracted, as is likely this week, you might find yourself exhibiting some nasty compulsive behavior that could leave you feeling pretty bloated and shitty for days or weeks. Please forget being as productive as usual this week. Concentrate instead on keeping what you do get up to in the realm of low-impact. For example, too much bad daytime TV is easier to recover from than too much cocaine.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Be wary of self-belief. Confidence is good, but remember, you live in the realm of the possible. Don’t be tempted by the land of delusion just beyond its borders. Those boundaries are murky at best, partly because you’re so damn capable: you’ve already proven that things other people believe impossible are well within your reach. However, that self-assurance can only take you so far: I’ve never met anyone who could fly just because they believed they could with all their heart. You’re still subject to laws and limitations—just not that many of them. Recognize and acknowledge where and what those unbreakable rules are this week. Start with basic physics and explore from there.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Come out of there, already. While it’s not totally out of character for you to imitate your namesake and crawl under a rock to hide and gather your strength, this isn’t the ideal time to do it. Yeah, you’re not at your best. You could use some restoration. But you’ve got to be alert to the rhythms of what’s going on around you. Now is when potential prey (not necessarily food—it could be an opportunity, a lay, or just a beautiful moment waiting to be seized) is out and about. If you take this time to withdraw and nap, there won’t be anything or anyone left when you come out to play. Have fun now. Rest later.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Go the extra mile. I mean this quite literally. Taking that next, unlooked-for step or making that surprising additional bit of effort will almost definitely pay off this week. Make the meeting in person instead of over the phone or internet, even if it’s quite inconvenient for you. Bend over backwards. Do what’s necessary to demonstrate your incredible level of commitment and motivation. You’re the best person for the job (whatever the job is), but that may not be particularly obvious at first glance. A demonstration is in order. You’re capable of blowing your competition out of the water when you’re on top of your game. It’s either first place or no place; you know what you’ve got to do.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Concentrate on just having fun. Next week’s events may have you feeling frazzled. There’s plenty of pressure to make a fresh start, and next week’s the best time to put your Clean Slate Plan into action. But don’t stress out or worry! That’s the worst thing you could do. How do you expect your new beginning to work when its genesis is anxiety? Whether it’s a relationship, long-term project, or attitude that you want to reset, it would benefit the most from just one thing: you having fun. It’s as simple as that. Choose the new path that will make you laugh. The rest will fall, quite naturally, into place.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your head’s spinning so fast someone might call in an exorcist. Just don’t start penetrating yourself with a cross or vomiting pea soup, because for someone to put a stop to all this excitement—out of worry that it’s bad for you—would be a damn shame. This is good (albeit crazy) shit you’ve got going on right now. You’re probably a bit too shell-shocked to really realize that. But once things have settled down slightly, you’ll look back on this week and notice that you got more than your fair share of lucky breaks. For now, just ride the insanity and trust me: You’re having a blast.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your dreams and intuition are rife with truth and delusion. Trying to figure out when they’re insightful and when they’re full of shit can be tricky. This week, however, it ought to be astonishingly simple, because there’s no reason not to simply ask those your gut feelings concern. No one will look at your funny, or be offended, or freak out. Most will be appreciative, especially because once you know what’s really up, you’ll also know exactly what you’re supposed to do. A directed Pisces is an inspiring thing; everyone wants a piece of that action. Believe me, answering an odd or embarrassing question is a price anyone would pay to kick you into high gear.
To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]
Martina Stoessel: March 21, 1997
Tyler Oakley: March 22, 1992
Vanessa Morgan: March 23, 1992
Peyton Manning: March 24, 1976
Kaelyn Petras: March 25, 1988
Keira Knightley: March 26, 1985
Fergie: March 27, 1975