By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Ellen DeGeneres arrives at the People's Choice Awards at the Nokia Theatre on Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s the third date. The person you’re hanging with is fantastic: hot, good in bed, funny, into you. Then they start picking their nose at the table of the fancy restaurant you’re in, and flicking it, mid-conversation, as if there’s nothing the least bit disgusting or inappropriate about it. Sadly, this is the kind of disappointing shock you’re in for this week. Don’t blow it out of proportion, though. Yeah, your dream date has tumbled ignominiously from the ideal you’d envisioned. But are you really going to let a stray booger or two keep you from being, otherwise, happy?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Hopefully this week will mark the end—at least for a long time—of your recently-frequent bouts with self-doubt. You’ve just tapped into a deeply-buried chunk of resources you didn’t know you had. It’s like stumbling upon an oil well in your back yard. You’re a rich hillbilly now, and it’s time to simply enjoy and revel in the flow of mental treasure, not worry about its proper usage. You know what you’re doing; you always have. What worried you before was whether you’d be able to carry it off—now you know you can, so just do it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You hate criticism. The truer your detractor’s words, the more you resent and despise them. However, your evolutionary progress would be quite a bit slower if you were left to your own devices; while it’s true that you’re your own worst critic, you’re simply not your own best goad. Other people’s denigration has a way of kicking you into gear that your own self-disparagement cannot. You could use a jump-start, darling. So when someone talks shit about you this week, take a minute to figure out whether it applies. If it doesn’t, of course tell them to bugger off. But if it does, say only, “Thank you,” and get to work.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Be careful. The boat you’re in is barely afloat. Water laps hungrily at the edges of the hull, and occasionally gleefully spills over. With each new invasion of wet, your vessel sinks a millimeter deeper, thereby making further flooding almost inevitable. My message is this: you simply can’t take new things (or people) on board right now. You’ll sink. This isn’t the time to consider what needs to be added to your life. That’s just got to wait. For now, keep things simple: concentrate on bailing the boat, getting to where you’re going, and caring for the people you’ve already got on board.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Cut a Gemini off from their cellphone and Internet and they practically go into shock. Even if you’re one of those people who publicly professes to never answering your phone, you must confess that when you’re without it you feel kind of lost. You’re communication-dependent—which isn’t really a critique. At least it means you’re constantly engaged with the world around you, which is more than I can say for some other signs. But this week, when your regular avenues of communication break down, try not to collapse in helpless exasperation. There are ways and ways. Find one that you’re not used to using, preferably one you’ve never tried before.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I wish at least one of us understood what was happening to you, or why. It’s confusing as hell, and probably pretty scary on top of that. I’m sorry, darling, but you probably won’t get to the bottom of it this week, either. I wish I could help you; the unknown is one of the most frightening things there is. But I’m, at least at the moment, as clueless as you are. I do, however, have some good news: Even if you can’t figure out what exactly is happening, or why, you can come lots closer to being able to deal with it; i.e., learning when resistance is useful, and when to simply surrender to the situation and save your hope and energy for when it might do more good.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re pretty good about friendship-maintenance. But there’s no denying the smoking evidence I see over your shoulder: a few wrecked, blackened, burnt bridges from your past. There’s still hope for them, though; this week offers a chance for you to repair some of those damaged relationships. People might be willing to consider wiping the slate clean, then begin afresh. Try it. Sling rope bridges across the gaps; you can build them up later, once contact’s been established. Remember, though, this is just the first step. Reconstruction will take patience and determination. Motivation is plentiful the next two weeks, thanks to astrological influences; patience is something you and your friends will have to come up with on your own.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Strength alone won’t suffice. It doesn’t matter how much you can physically bench press or emotionally endure. At some point in your life, you’ll find things that are just too mammoth to lift, or to painful to be borne. Being so strong in so many ways, at that point, becomes a handicap, because you haven’t learned to rely as much on your flexibility, friendships, wits, tact, manipulation, and various other sources of power. This week, limber up. During each and every situation you encounter, practice utilizing anything but brute muscle (emotional, political, or physical) to get through it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Quit playing hard to get. That’s right. Let your wooers and pursuers catch you this week. How long did you think the game could continue, anyway? Eventually, your stalkers and courters were bound to lose interest, unless you gave them something. Now’s a good time to do just that. Because if you’re honest with yourself, you’d be sad if no one was the least bit interested in you. Then you’d have to either go the hermit route, or become a hunter yourself—neither of which is all that appealing for a Pisces, if you think about it. Besides, you’ll get far more out of it by graciously yielding now than by stingily holding back. Quit fleeing, on whatever level. Get caught. You’ll be glad you did.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You wanted to have your cake and eat it, too. You thought a few well-sown lies would save your ass while you left all your options open. You’ve even gotten away with this kind of thing before. But not this time. This time it’s all going to be blown open, and both sides of the equation are going to bugger off and never be heard from again. Instead of having spouse and extracurricular lover, for example, you’ll have neither. Pony up, baby. Make a choice: Cake in the mouth, or in the hand? Otherwise you’ll be wearing it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

What’s up with you lately? It’s as if all your self-destructive instincts have just completely abandoned you. You haven’t felt like smoking, sleeping with the wrong people, or even over-eating. Don’t question it too much, though; at first, it may seem like your zest for life is on hiatus. But it’s actually your subconscious death-wish that’s on vacation. Take the opportunity to do some constructive research: find things that are just as fun as those you unconsciously abandoned, but not nearly so unhealthy. So when the cravings heralding your worst habits return, you can simply ignore them.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You were less likely to do stupid things as a kid—like set things on fire just to see how they burn—than most of your peers. Leave the jumping off of roofs to Aries and the daredevil bike-riding to those show-off Sagittarians, you thought. Which is all well and good; you certainly saved yourself some broken bones. But the part you didn’t take into account (or perhaps you did, but just forgot about it) is that Capricorns age backwards. That means you start off life making all the right choices and gradually get more crazy, innocent, and risky as you get older. Expect to make a hilarious and somewhat stupid choice this week, one that heralds your imminent and glorious youth.

Celebrity Birthdays

Ellen DeGeneres: Jan. 26, 1958 (pictured)

Logan Moreau: Jan. 27, 2012

Rick Ross: Jan. 28, 1976

Adam Lambert: Jan. 29, 1982

Christian Bale: Jan. 30, 1974

Portia de Rossi: Jan. 31, 1973

Ronda Rousey: Feb. 1, 1987

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Ellen DeGeneres arrives at the People’s Choice Awards at the Nokia Theatre on Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)
http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/web1_ellenD-1.jpgEllen DeGeneres arrives at the People’s Choice Awards at the Nokia Theatre on Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

Celebrity Birthdays

Ellen DeGeneres: Jan. 26, 1958 (pictured)

Logan Moreau: Jan. 27, 2012

Rick Ross: Jan. 28, 1976

Adam Lambert: Jan. 29, 1982

Christian Bale: Jan. 30, 1974

Portia de Rossi: Jan. 31, 1973

Ronda Rousey: Feb. 1, 1987