Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You can do amazing things right now while hardly trying. A snap of your fingers could have houses cleaned, banquets prepared, and red carpets rolled out, all for you. Mary Poppins you’re not; these seemingly supernatural effects all stem from the incredible willingness of those around you. Be aware of that this week. Many people are busting their balls for you, both in the open and behind the scenes. Accept the help, since they’re so eager to give it, but don’t take it for granted. Be sure that every favor you receive is awarded its proper share of gratitude.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Use your words, Aquarius. Your unconventional means of communication aren’t getting through. I know you’d like to convey your love through the way you play soccer, cook, or scrub toilets. But the people you want to reach aren’t attuned to these kinds of subtleties at the moment. They’d like to believe that you scored that goal, made that quiche, or cleaned that bathroom just for them, but it’s too easy to be dissuaded from faith in these gestures by their own negative self-images. They need something a little less open to interpretation. Sorry, you can’t shimmy out from under this one. You’ve got to simply say: “I love you.”
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I’d be surprised if you can remember the last place you put your keys, or whether you paid the phone bill, or how often you’re supposed to water the plants or change the oil in your car. But you can recall exactly what your lover was wearing on the night you met, and the first three words ever said to you by your infant niece, and precisely how to make your grandmother’s famous brownies. These are more important things, ultimately. You and I know this; it’s too bad so many people around you think it’s more vital to know where your house key’s hiding. Clueing them in is hopeless. Just don’t take their angst or criticism too seriously. You remember the important stuff; the rest will sort itself out.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’d like to stab your difficulties in the heart and kill them dead. It’s a strategy that usually works for you. But you can’t murder this problem, since it’s a person, whose death by icepick would certainly be noted and investigated. Therefore you must pursue more subtle and less drastic policies and strategies this week. Unfortunately, your usual alternative to merely eliminating sources of hostility—fleeing them—is also not currently viable. Yep, sorry: The only way you can resolve your current difficulty—that bastard pain in the ass—is to learn to live with him (or her).
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I have a friend who’ll go to great lengths to rescue insects-in-distress. He’s attuned to the suffering of tiny creatures in a way that perhaps only Jainists and hardcore vegans could identify with. Emulate him this week; there are those who could use your assistance but they’re broadcasting their need so subtly and quietly that you could miss it unless you’re paying incredibly close attention. What are you waiting for? Get right down there with a magnifying glass and take a look at all the little shit going on in your life right now; that’s where the action is.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’ve been stepping over and around your own messes for weeks now. What a slob. I know how things get, though. You’ve got more pressing and important things to attend to than simply cleaning up after yourself. You even tried to be responsible, by deciding that by this week, at the very latest, you’d finally tidy up, do laundry, wash the dishes, and pay the bills. Think again. You forgot to take into account this week’s surprises, which will have you hopping over piles of dirty clothing and neglecting the houseplants for at least seven more days.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Beware inertia. Allow yourself to be moved too much or too quickly by the forces exerted on or around you, and you could be, quite involuntarily, moving in that direction miles further than you wished. These potshots were meant to momentarily deflate your ego, not send you flying willy-nilly in all directions like a sputtering balloon. Be immovable this week. Let’s practice: Someone mentions your weight. Do you plunge into depression and gorge on donuts, ice cream, and pie? Or do you pursue a torturous diet for the next three months? Neither, I hope. The appropriate response is, probably, a nod (or the finger), and a swift change of subject.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You can understand why some people are daunted by you, can’t you? Meeting you is like opening the first fat novel in a trilogy that’s not even completed yet. They can see that getting to know you will be a long trip, requiring persistence and patience. So have some tolerance for people when they’re shy or reticent around you. You’re a lot to wrap one’s head around, let alone contemplate trying to understand completely. It’s not really your responsibility to make yourself more accessible, but in case that matters to you, consider modifying your press packet; a nice dust jacket summary and a few quotable chunks of praise should do nicely.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Fellow Virgo Anna Kingsford (one of the first female doctors in 19th century Britain) violently opposed the practice of vivisection, and some prominent scientists who used it. She vowed to kill them with thought waves. When Claude Bernard, one of these, died only a few weeks after she began her mental hexing, she became convinced she was the instrument of divine will. (She also claimed responsibility for the death of Paul Bert, another vivisector). Please don’t emulate her example. Your convictions are generally smarter and “better” than most people’s. But there’s a difference between advocating your point of view and attempting to enforce it. This week (and, of course, in general), remember: the former’s fine, but the latter’s almost always a huge mistake.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It’s early January and the trees outside my window are budding. This isn’t good. It’s supposed to be snowy and miserable out. My local spring-like weather is confusing—not just for the trees, but for the people around you as well; those who are used to a slightly chillier treatment by you Libras feel more baffled and bewildered by your balmier banter than eased by it. There’s a time to thaw and be warm and welcoming. This isn’t it. You’re sending all the wrong signals. That doesn’t mean you need to be cold-hearted. Just be careful about making yourself into an angel; it’ll only lead to disappointment, bitterness, and, in the worst cases, ugly reprisal.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
What happened to your clichéd (but still impressive) reputation as a sexual virtuoso? Two other signs have recently nearly overtaken you in that particular department. Is this just an ebb, or are you moving on to the next thing? Either one’s fine by me, but if you still want to retain your title of reigning sensual superhero, you’re going to need to put out, or at the very least flirt your ass off. Some of the faithful have begun to doubt your prowess, not to mention your horniness. Just not feeling it? Not sure you can pull off a comeback at the moment? Just dip your toe in the pool; I think indulging in a tiny dose of hedonism will have you diving in without further delay.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You know you’re just a regular guy or gal, but to some of the people you encounter, you’re as loaded with sexy disguises, impressive tricks, and cool gadgets as any TV secret agent. It’s enough to make most folks weak in the knees, even if they’re good at hiding it. But your willingness to try new foods, learn other languages, or have sex with anyone hot—regardless of gender, race, etc—can impress to the point of deterrence. In this case, a little light-hearted, self-disparaging propaganda is actually in your best interest. In other words, don’t bother trying to hide that you’re more or less a stud—just be sure to also advertise that you’re capable of being a screw-up, too.
To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]
Zayn Malik: Jan. 12, 1993
Liam Hemsworth (pictured): Jan. 13, 1990
Dave Grohl: Jan. 14, 1969
Pitbull: Jan. 15, 1981
Joe Flacco: Jan. 16, 1985
Jim Carrey: Jan. 17, 1962
Jason Segal: Jan. 18, 1980