Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
How can I describe what’s happening for you astrologically? It’s something like when a dowdy housewife dopes the kids and puts them to bed early so she can greet her husband after work garbed in nothing but plastic wrap. Well-intentioned, but more comedic than sexy. You, too, might experience some weird urges this week, to try experiments that you know, deep down, are bad ideas (but are already half-convinced might work, anyway), hook up with people you’re positive you’re not compatible with (but wish you were). Now that you know where they’re coming from, will you be able to successfully resist their sick siren song? Probably not. But hopefully you won’t feel as foolish about the whole thing afterwards.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I’m wishing you lots of really good sleep this week, the kind of deep, dreamless rest you wake from not knowing where (or who) you are. I think it’ll help you have the kind of patience you need in your waking life. It’s not that you’re apt to suffer many problems, obstacles, or irritations—it’s that many of the people around you are, and it sure would be better if you had lots of energy and calm persistence with which to help them. Being there for those you love is an integral part of who you are; make sure you set yourself up with the resources (i.e. giving yourself tons of time to chill out and sleep) to do just that.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Sometimes, shit just happens. There’s no cosmic conspiracy against you causing you to lose your keys or all the numbers from your cellphone. It occurs all the time, to everyone, and the only thing you can do about it is try to build some redundancies into your life, like seeding your friends’ apartments with spare sets of keys or frequently backing up the data on your cell. If you’ve suffered from this kind of crap this week, don’t decide that the universe is out to make you miserable; just recover and get on with it. And if you haven’t yet had to deal with that shit, set yourself up so you won’t suffer so much when and if you do.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Watch out that you don’t go on sugar overload during the holidays. Your cravings —and reactions—are more intense at the moment than at any time in recent memory. As you swirl a candy cane in your steaming mug of mulled wine, contemplate how you can best achieve a balanced state of moderation without drastically cutting into your enjoyment of this time of year (or losing too many of your coping mechanisms for it, for that matter). Don’t consider this an intriguing option—it’s required. If you choose to indulge yourself without restriction, not only will your waistline expand—your sense of guilt and remorse will, too.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Sorry, Aries, no time to write; I’m totally late for an appointment. We’ll catch up soon. Not sure when. I’ll call you! Bye, bye, bye! (Anyway, you better get used to shit like that, because it’s going to seem like no one has time for you this week, with people bagging out left and right. Don’t take it personally, since there’s no lack of love there; if anything your flaky friends are counting on the solidity of your connection, as well as your vast capacity for forgiveness. It’s the Christmas season; whether you’re into that or not, consider not getting pissed off your gift to them.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
None of your clothes (or attitudes) fit right this week. It’s not because you’re retaining water, it’s because the universe is trying to force you to try a new look (and outlook). It probably won’t flatter you all that much, actually, but I urge you to go along with it nevertheless (as if you had a choice). Regard it as an experiment in “making the best of things.” So what if it’s all a slightly embarrassing, slightly uncomfortable experiment? At least when you get to go back to your regular, tried-and-true look (and way of being), you’ll not only look more fabulous then ever, you’ll appreciate it more than ever, too.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It sucks being relegated to defense, just because the last few shots you took at the goal flew well wide of the mark. That, however, is part of the deal when you’re on a team, my dear. You sometimes have to step back and admit that someone else might do a better job, as galling as that is. This is, sadly, one of those times. Try to cede your spotlighted or leadership role with good grace and humor—the way you always hope others will give it up to you when it is your turn to shine.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Don’t expect to understand the dramas unfolding around you this week. Luckily, you have my (and the universe’s) permission not to get involved in them, since they have nothing to do with you and you have little to no influence over them, anyway. So when someone flees the room suddenly, with no explanation, or stops returning your calls, or just generally flips their shit, try not to take it personally, nor feel obligated to address it (unless of course you feel like it). It’s really not your problem. If you want to play nosy martyr and get involved anyway, go right ahead, but don’t complain when you make things worse, not better.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Quit wasting your time. I know it seems important (or perhaps compelling) to perfect your design for the ultimate paper airplane, conquer that video game, or finally duplicate your grandmother’s long-lost amazing cornbread recipe, but none of these things actually matters compared to the other stuff on your plate. Although many of the things you’re up to seem really mundane, boring, or pointless, they’re actually much more relevant to your long-term goals (and enjoyment of life) than the flashier distractions you’ve provided yourself with. OK, dealing with them isn’t nearly as fun, but not taking care of them will generate an obstacle that is so not fun it’ll completely cancel out any of the amusement you think you could be having now, and then some.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
According to science, your right ear hears differently from your left. Your right side excels at picking out a musical melody, while your left will help you understand a mumbler at a noisy party, since it’s better at speech recognition. Will this information greatly alter the way you do things from now on? Probably not. But I hope you’ll remember that using the right tool makes every job much easier (or sometimes renders a supposedly impossible job possible). This week, spend some time recognizing which “tool”—be it computer program, implement, or another person—will work, and which won’t, and change your strategy accordingly.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Don’t rock the boat, or mess with the status quo. This week’s stresses are no sweat, especially compared to some of the shit you’ve been through. However, don’t let their seemingly banal, minor natures deceive you; beneath their surfaces loom vast repositories of potential chaos and misery. Don’t stir up shit, or change basic, tried and tested methods—or go off the meds, in case you were considering it. So far those fragile vials of disaster remain unbroken, their catastrophes contained safely within. If you just keep on keeping on, as you have been—everything will be fine. Try something fancy, unprecedented, or totally experimental, and they’ll shatter, releasing loads of radioactive Pandora pox, and the havoc that’ll come with.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Thinking about sex can distract you from an overfull bladder. It can also help you get over many of the other discomforts of the week. What’s more, being a Scorpio, you ought to be good at it. Wrap your mind around a lascivious fantasy whenever your head threatens to needlessly focus on something (or someone) unpleasant that you can’t do anything about—be it nagging spouse, traffic jam, stolen wallet, whatever. It might seem like weird advice, I know—but give it a try before you knock it too much. I think after this week, you’ll agree that it was just the thing to help you not only survive, but thrive.
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