By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Josh Gad, from left, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting and Kevin Hart present the award for favorite comedic movie actress at the People's Choice Awards at the Nokia Theatre on Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I got an email from a desperate Sagittarian pleading that I go easier on your tribe, contending that I obviously must hate all of you. I see where he’s coming from; actually you’re one of my top three favorite tribes in the zodiac, and comprise a good chunk of my closest friends. This isn’t about dislike, though; it’s about faith. I know what a joy an evolved and accomplished Sag can be; therefore I can’t help but push all of you to strive your hardest to fulfill that beautiful potential. To do anything less would be letting you all down. If you get pushed past your limits this week, don’t grumble. Thank the pusher.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Every family’s got someone who worries—not about what’s actually going on, but about what it looks like. “What are the neighbors thinking?” they wonder. Appearances are so important to this poor fretter that the actual substance of relationships and situations are almost entirely overlooked. Capricorns quite often have strong impulses in this direction: Sometimes, surface is all that matters; put on a good show and you’ll get what you want. But that’s not what you’re really after—something you know, already, deep down. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way, once you’re left with “the perfect marriage,” one that’s actually shit beneath its gleaming, polished exterior.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Admit it. You’re always just a little surprised when someone actually does what you say. You have more authority than you think; despite your bravado, you tend to assume no one takes you all that seriously. So when someone does an about-face and takes their life in a new direction based upon your advice, you’d better step up and make sure it’s actually the right thing. Leadership isn’t about power; it’s about responsibility. They’re trusting you to be right—you owe it to them to question your own wisdom, especially when it’s put into action. If you’re wrong, admit it, fast. If you were right all along, by all means cheer them on.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It doesn’t matter if you’re the only one in the room who’s making sense, if no one can hear you. You can’t be the soft, gentle voice of reason right now, because things have gotten so messed up. You’re an amazing listener; you like to be receptive and respond to what’s actually happening, so you sometimes assume others will do the same. Wrong. In this case, since you know that what you have to say is what they need to hear, speak the hell up. Make yourself heard, and if they still won’t listen, make them listen, too. It’s okay to be a tyrant when you’re right, at least right now. They’ll thank you later if you do. Whether you believe that or not, believe this—if you don’t get your point across and they suffer for it—which they will—they’ll definitely blame you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Half-measures don’t suit you, Aries. You can’t quit smoking gradually, or change anything about yourself or your life by taking baby steps towards your goal. It just doesn’t work, as you inevitably discover somewhere along the way when the whole thing falls apart. If you want to quit smoking, do it right this second. Flush your cigarettes, now, and never smoke another. That’s a lot more likely to work for you than just cutting down. In fact, any drastic move you make this week is likely to stick with you for long-term, whether you like it or not. Keep that in mind, so you can make it work for you, not against.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

In a society that values thinness, Taureans are screwed. There are skinny Bulls, but they’re the exception, not the rule; generally, you’re a bit more solidly built. Luckily, you’ve got a powerful personality to match your strong frame. Unfortunately, some of you get so brainwashed by society’s twisted standards that you devote too much of that personal power towards trying to conform. Accept that you’re not waifish, my dear—as long as you try to be, you’ll just come off chunky and insecure. Be who you are (which is way more beautiful, anyway). You may not get modeling jobs, but admirers? Those you’ll have tons of.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I guess you’re lucky that your outer form doesn’t very accurately reflect your internal impulses; you’d have two different color eyes, one arm longer than the other, and be totally hermaphroditic. Let’s not even get into the patchwork color of your skin, your prehensile tail, or your angel’s wings. As disastrously confusing as all this would be for most of us, on some level it would also be comforting and enlightening for a few, who are in desperate need of some insight into your dynamic nature, and some hint as to how to cope with it. You can’t alter your form to match your mood, true, but a clue or two? That you can provide.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You need your family around you at this time of year. It’s your time to shine among your clan, despite the aggravations that come with them. A Cancer without their family during the holiday season just wallows in seemingly inexplicable misery. The peace, quiet, and absence of strife you thought you wanted just seem hollow and empty. It may be stressful when your extended tribe comes together, but dealing with it is part of what makes you you. Look at it this way: if you’re not regularly exposed to the aspects of your family that make you crazy, how are you supposed to immunize yourself from becoming just like them?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Think of yourself as a woolly mammoth—so beautifully adapted to your environment and situation that you’re in danger of being hunted to extinction. Naked, shivering humans can’t help but envy your shaggy, warm coat and your versatile ivory tusks. You can’t blame them for admiring you, my dear, but don’t let things get out of hand. The stalkers in your life are pining for new prey. Stay alert for danger signals—especially a trail of previous victims—and nip any impending disasters in the bud. How? Well, you’re a woolly mammoth, remember? You’re bigger and stronger than they are, at least metaphorically. If you see the beginnings of a blaze, stamp it out.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You organize because you enjoy it, ultimately, but also because it makes more room and space for real things to happen with others. Whether they realize or appreciate what lengths you’ve gone to—well, that’s another matter altogether, and if you start obsessing about that, you’ll wind up a very unhappy person. Accept that you do what you do because it’s important to you and that others benefit from it, regardless of their conscious awareness of it. You’ll never get the credit you’re due—the trick to your own happiness isn’t trying to acquire it anyway, but in learning to go without.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re the bass player in a rock band. You may not be the star of the show. In fact, most people don’t even take special notice of what you contribute, but rest assured they’d miss it if it weren’t there. There’s no point in trying to take center stage at the moment, because your efforts will flop—how can you outshine the lead singer, or the band’s hot guitarist? Instead, I suggest you focus on being happy with the integral, slightly less flashy role you’re “stuck” with. Anyway, the bass player always gets laid more often, with less drama, than the lead singer ever could.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

This week send an email to yourself for a year from now, and five years from now. (There are online services that let you do this). Tell yourself what you expect yourself to accomplish during the intervening time, and what you ought to do if you haven’t managed it. The only person who can properly motivate you is you, and you haven’t done as good a job at that as you could. That’s right; kick your own future ass into gear. Try to make your own expectations and ambitions as clear, bold, and inspired as you can. Then get out there and try to live up to them.

Celebrity Birthdays

Sarah Hyland: Nov. 24, 1990

Kevin Chamberlin: Nov. 25, 1963

Bill Nye: Nov. 26, 1955

Carly Rae Jepsen: Nov. 27, 1985

Jake Miller: Nov. 28, 1992

Howie Mandel: Nov. 29, 1955

Kaley Cuoco: Nov. 30, 1985

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To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Josh Gad, from left, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting and Kevin Hart present the award for favorite comedic movie actress at the People’s Choice Awards at the Nokia Theatre on Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)
http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/web1_weddingringer.jpgJosh Gad, from left, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting and Kevin Hart present the award for favorite comedic movie actress at the People’s Choice Awards at the Nokia Theatre on Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)
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To contact Caeriel send mail to [email protected]

Celebrity Birthdays

Sarah Hyland: Nov. 24, 1990

Kevin Chamberlin: Nov. 25, 1963

Bill Nye: Nov. 26, 1955

Carly Rae Jepsen: Nov. 27, 1985

Jake Miller: Nov. 28, 1992

Howie Mandel: Nov. 29, 1955

Kaley Cuoco: Nov. 30, 1985

an. 8