Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
If only all the pests clinging to you would realize it’s wintertime and finally just drop off and die, like fleas. But your parasites are a little more resilient than that, unfortunately. To rid yourself of their sapping presences, you’ll need to be a bit more proactive than you have been, and that’s a little more complicated than just buying a special shampoo. You’ve been generously allowing leeches to mooch off you and take credit for your work, trusting in your strength and the fact that you’ve got plenty to spare. But enough is enough. Do what you’ve got to do to be rid of freeloaders, once and for all.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A Sagittarian’s life is constantly in flux. You are the definition of dynamism. This week, more than most, is a time to make changes, try new things, begin daring new ventures, but you do those things all the time. The problem with this kind of thinking, though, is it’s too one-track; this week is all about trying something new—for you that might mean not changing. It might mean committing to something for the long haul, or staying in one place despite your wanderlust. Go for it; do the unexpected this week—even if that means embracing a total cliché.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
As I acquired my third language (German), my second language (French) was being buried inside my brain. It tripped me out, to be totally honest, because I can understand French when it’s spoken to me, but when I try to respond I’m either totally paralyzed or it comes out, embarrassingly, in German. I’m longing for a quicker, more flexible mind, like yours, that lets me access all that’s in it. Don’t take your innate quick thinking for granted, though, as you have, lately. Just like anything it will get stiffer with age—and with disuse. Don’t shy away from mental gymnastics when they appear, or soon you’ll have trouble just thinking about climbing a flight of stairs.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarians are generally as low-maintenance as they come. Naturally, there are exceptions, but the most easy-going social creatures I know are of your sign. What’s your secret? Are you quietly resentful whenever someone doesn’t live up to your expectations? Or do you simply shed those desires before you can be disappointed? This is important information that we desperately need to know—especially the biggest worrier in your life; you know who I’m talking about. Spare them the nervous breakdown they’re headed for by giving them some practical advice on how to relax in the face of all those things they can’t control. You’ll have done your job; whether they takes your wisdom to heart is up to them.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Some weeks you feel like one of Lemony Snicket’s hapless Baudelaire orphans, a trio of children subject to a terrible series of unfortunate events. Even your supposed lucky breaks, during these times, turn out to be crushing disappointments. Fortunately, you balance these miserable losing streaks with equally dramatic winning ones, when even your mistakes are resounding successes. The trick is not getting too used to either mode; that’s where weeks like this one, to which you could ascribe no particular trend, come in handy. You’ve acquired the habit of relying on a piece of luck (good or bad) that you probably shouldn’t count on. Spend this time unlearning it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Last night’s dream featured an imaginary movie trailer for a film called Deader. In it, a girl bitten by a vampire avoided passively accepting her fate, but instead embraced it, deciding to see just how undead she could become. She set about attempting to trick various creatures of the night into endowing her with their powers, ultimately becoming some kind of vampire werewolf witch zombie demon. She didn’t waste time bemoaning what had happened to her, as you have, the past couple weeks. What’s done is done, for good or ill. Now follow her example: take what you’ve got and run with it, as far as you can go.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
My conversations with friends keep veering towards turbulent, deep dark waters, where monsters dwelt beneath the surface. We can’t help it, lately; our minds naturally drive us back to those crazy and somewhat disturbing places, even when we try to keep things light and easy. Now it’s your turn to explore these uncomfortable places with those you love, whether you’re in the mood or not. Will it bother you to discover that your best girlfriend has rape fantasies, or that your buddy is terrified about his own mortality? You’re about to find out. Try to get into it, not resist it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Prey animals generally have eyes on either side of their heads, the better to get a wide-angle view of their surroundings, and spot potential threats. Carnivores, on the other hand, usually have close-set, forward-facing eyes, so they can accurately judge the distances to the creatures they hope to kill and eat. Of course you can’t change the position of your eyes, but you can shift the way you look at your world. Lately, you’ve been feeling like prey, semi-passively waiting for someone to chase and catch you. But we both know that’s not working out that well for you; if you want to achieve your desires, you need to shift into hunter mode and actively seek their fulfillment. This week, at least give that a try.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Optimism isn’t cool anymore. I hardly know anyone who’s openly hopeful; I think people worry that it’ll come off as hopelessly naïve. However, I hope you do a Pollyanna on it this week anyway, whenever things don’t seem to be going well. Assume that any negative developments are necessary steps towards the positive outcome you desire—and they will be. Make pessimism your dire enemy this week, because the inverse is also true; decide that these shitty turns are just the beginning of a depressing downward spiral, and they’ll swiftly conform to your gloomy expectations.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
When you’re not around, your friends get together and discuss you; they might even be plotting your downfall. Also, your coworkers are making a concerted, passive-aggressive effort to make you look bad. Plus your lover is slowly turning the dog against you. If any of these statements provoke a feeling of grim confirmation, a cry of, “I knew it!” you’re too suspicious for your own good, because none of this is happening. Your friends are probably planning a belated surprise party, if anything. Your coworkers’ whispering is likely gossip they know you’re too cool to be interested in, and the dog will never stop loving you no matter what. Chill out, darling. Everything, believe it or not, is cool.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Even as a child, you scorned Hansel and Gretel for leaving a paltry trail of breadcrumbs to find their way back with. You’ve always been too practical for something this poorly thought-out. But over the years you’ve learned that a many people are fairly foolish when it comes to common sense matters—and that you can help, when you choose to. I hope you decide that the people around you, who are frantically strewing croutons about as we speak, are worthy of your aid. Rescue them from the fairy tale they’re trying to live, before they get eaten by witches or invest their life-savings in candy houses.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
If you’re dating a Scorpio, dump them now, before they breaks your heart. Go ahead, call them up and get it over with. Your relationship is doomed no matter what, so the sooner you escape it, the better. Go deliver the bad news. I’ll wait… All done? Now here’s my real advice: don’t be such a sucker. If anyone presumes, without tongue-in-cheek, to give you such unequivocal and all-around bad advice this week, ignore them. Your relationship with a Scorpio may be ill-fated, but there are simply too many variables for me to know that. Don’t let anyone else spout such bullshit in your direction. Call them on it. If they still don’t quit, go ahead and kick their ass.
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