Man steals cop car in Wilkes-Barre, pulls the cancer card

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Randall Whitney can now cross stealing a cop car off his bucket list. The 50-year-old forklift operator from Nanticoke, who claims to have a foot-long penis, stole a police vehicle when he was pulled over for running a stop sign Monday morning on South Main Street in Wilkes-Barre. His excuse has some rallying in his favor for the felony charges to be dropped. According to a police report, Whitney pulled “the cancer card” to justify his actions.

“I always said that if I ever got cancer, I’d steal a cop car,” he posted to Facebook. “But I realized, if I ever get cancer, I might be in too much pain to pull off a getaway in a cop car. So when I saw that the policeman who pulled me over bent down to tie his shoes, I figured, screw it. It’s now or never, baby. I mean, WWJD, right?”

Randall reportedly drove 90 mph on residential streets while blasting Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive” and flashing his lights. He then went to Best Buy, purchased a GoPro HERO4 Black 4K Action Camera, set it on the police car dashboard, and recorded a lip-sync music video to Nicki Minaj’s “Beez In The Trap” — the explicit version — while driving.

“There’s something so empowering by repeating Nicki Minaj lyrics. I dare anyone to repeat her lyrics out loud and not feel like they can take over the world,” Whitney told a deaf guy who reads lips well at Best Buy. That same deaf guy also claimed Whitney said: “I stole a hop far.”

After posting his lip-sync video to YouTube, Whitney turned himself in.

“I have a lot of respect for police officers. I realize they needed the car back to fight crime and save the world,” Whitney said. “I had my thrill. I had my excitement.”

Helen Gergich of Scranton, who used to be pen-pals with Charles Manson until her carpal tunnel syndrome got really bad, bailed Whitney out of jail. Gergich is also selling T-Shirts that read: “Drop the charges! HE RETURNED THE DAMN CAR” from noon to 4 p.m. on Saturday, June 6 in the Dickson City Walmart parking lot.

Whitney’s hearing is scheduled for June 22.

He said if he ever does actually get cancer, he’ll probably steal an ambulance and make a lip-sync music video to Weird Al’s “Like A Surgeon.”