Sheetz is giving away free gas on June 1 but only to fat people

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Sheetz released a statement on Wednesday morning that all locations will be pumping free gas on June 1 — but there’s a catch. You have to be fat in order to be eligible, according to the press release.

Thomas Sheetman, the company’s co-founder and CEO, says the campaign is an initiative to give overweight customers across the country a break for a change. “The obesity rate in this country is at a staggering 300 percent,” Sheetman pointed out over the phone. “Fat people are the largest group of citizens — and customers — but they’re still the most underrepresented. They’re the most unappreciated. It’s time to change that; at least for one day.”

Sheetman admits there was once a time when he judged people for their weight. “I was that guy who always had to give up my arm rest on a plane ride to Maui because a fat person sat next to me. I didn’t understand how they could get away with paying the same price as me when they took up more room and prevented me from spreading my legs and arms,” he said. “Then I saw a fat person cry at a funeral. I realized they’re people, too. They have feelings.”

Not everyone agrees that overweight people have feelings. Gibney Hughett of Swoyersville said the idea that overweight people can feel hurt or pain is a flagrant liberal agenda. “Corporate companies shouldn’t be pushing their lifestyle choices on their customers. I’m pissed. I need to go shoot a gun in the middle of the woods and aim it at a bunch of empty beer cans,” he said before an asthma attack that caused him to go blind.

Jadeson Riccola of Scranton says she doesn’t have anything against plus-sized people; she’s just upset that skinny people aren’t allowed to get free gas, too. “Why do they deserve it and I don’t?” she asked.

According to Sheetman, skinny people don’t deserve free gas because fat people are better parents. “Fat people care about their children more,” he said. “They’re not too busy taking a Pilates class or lifting weights to pay attention to them.” Sheetman also added that obese individuals can benefit from free fuel because they drive more than skinny people. “They’re constantly driving to get fast food, their insulin or, shameless plug, their favorite MTO item.”

Sister Mary of St. Martha Cathedral in Moosic says she thinks Jesus would be happy that fat people are being recognized as people. “Skinny people only buy food at Sheetz when they’re drunk,” she said, palms placed together with a rosary clenched hard. “Heavy people buy food all the time. That makes them better citizens, better people and better servants to Him.”

The Fill It For Free If You’re Fat event starts at 8 a.m. and ends at noon, just in time for fat people to eat lunch, says Sheetman.