SORRY MOM & DAD: I invited a friend’s ex to her party
My friends and I adopted a weekly ritual that shalt not be disturbed. On Sundays, we brunch.
We go to River Grille in Wilkes-Barre to feast on the Wake and Bake (Mac ‘n’ Cheese with full strips of bacon, sausage patties and scrambled eggs planted sexily on top) and demolish the build-your-own Bloody Mary bar. It’s our way to be free-spirited, fancy and awesome.
Shut up and let me live.
The only problem with our Sunday Funday routine is that it has yet to last for less than 10 hours of non-stop drinking and debauchery.
One Sunday, in July, it actually lasted for 14 hours. That’s the Sunday I invited my friend’s ex-boyfriend to her X-Mess in July party — probably not the best guest to invite with me. Sorry, Mom and Dad.
I was drinking a mimosa — because I finished all of the pickles at the Bloody Mary bar — and scrolling through my Facebook news feed, I saw a picture of an inflatable bounce house. My friend, Sexy Irish Photography Lady, a bartender/photographer/slice of awesome-sauce, was hosting a Christmas in July party and posted a photo of the epic inflatable castle she had for guests to enjoy. I wanted to go, but wasn’t planning on it since Sexy Irish Photography Lady’s ex-boyfriend, Captain Kirk, was with me at brunch.
Since there were no pickles to shove in my mouth and shut me up, I couldn’t help but blurt out: “I wanna go inside the bounce house.” Not only that, but Sexy Irish Photography Lady is known to throw the best parties. She actually decorates. She actually has liquor other than cans of Natty. She actually makes food — like wing dip and pasta and vodka-infused pineapple. She actually had a bounce house!
“Let’s go, Captain Kirk,” I said.
“I wasn’t invited,” he replied.
“How funny would it be if we went, and you wound up crashing your ex-girlfriend’s party,” joked our other brunch buddy, Jordana-dana Bobana Fee-Fi Momana Jo-Jo-Jordana.
We all laughed that it would be funny for me to roll in with Sexy Irish Photography Lady’s ex, but knew we couldn’t without asking. So, I texted her, and she said Captain Kirk was welcome. She wanted “all good vibes” at her party, and “everyone is welcome.”
So, we went. We admired the balls to the wall Christmas decor. We drank. We ate wing dip and vodka-infused fruit. We bounced in the bounce house. And, thanks to a guest who brought a leftover keg from a baby shower, we did keg stands. I met new friends and a new hater (inside the bounce house), including someone who told me she doesn’t like Weekender anymore because she was friends with part of the old crew and misses “that Weekender.” I was tempted to tell her to shut up and let me live, but I just bounced instead.
The next day, after realizing we drank for 14 hours straight, we laughed, almost with admiration, that Sexy Irish Photography Lady and Captain Kirk were so chill with each other.
“I showed up at a party with someone’s ex,” I said, finding the irony in the way that sounded. “And there was no drama.”
Then, Sexy Irish Photography Lady posted a Facebook status warning the world to watch what they say around bartenders, because bartenders know a lot of people and will always find out what is said about them. Apparently, some bartender whose last name is Seabiscuit or Seawhore or Seaworld or something like that overheard me and Captain Kirk and Jordana-dana Bobana Fee-Fi Momana Jo-Jo-Jordana joking about crashing the party. She completely exaggerated what we said, telling Sexy Irish Photography Lady that we were intending on ruining her party.
What we learned wasn’t to watch what we say around bartenders, it was that we shouldn’t drink for 14 hours on a Sunday Funday. We should have went home after brunch and just masturbated (separately) and binge-watched old episodes of “Chapelle’s Show” all Sunday night like normal men in their 20s.
“No more Sunday Funday’s,” we collectively agreed.
Of course, that didn’t happen, because we have a ritual. On Sunday’s we brunch. It’s just what we do.
Reach Justin Adam Brown at 570-991-6652 and follow him on Instagram @justinadambrown