Five Guys Burgers and Fries has been serving handcrafted burgers to skinny guys wishing to beef up since 1986.
After nearly three decades, two Bushes in the White House and the shocking death of Bea Arthur, four of the guys who started the popular eatery have allegedly realized they could profit more if they didn’t have to split the earnings five ways.
“They decided to kick out the co-owner who got diabetes first,” says a source who works for the company and wishes to be referred to as Lowell McButthole. He says he wants to be referred to by that name because it was his dream porn name. Now that he’s unhappily married with two daughters and a dog that will probably have to get put to sleep soon, this might be his only chance to be referred to as McButthole in a public forum.
McButthole crosses his heart and hopes to die that the burger chain will announce the re-branding of Four Guys Burgers and Fries on July 4.
“They’re flirting with the idea of making the announcement on the Fourth of July to represent their new source of freedom,” McButthole said while gently circling his pointer finger around his hard salami-sized nipple. “The four guys who will be remaining with the company finally feel free.”
Buster Hymen, who lives in the Wyoming Valley Mall parking lot, says he doesn’t care if Five Guys wants to be called Caitlyn all of a sudden. He’d still eat there.
“They have the best burgers in the world. They’re expensive, and in order to afford them I have to live in a freakin’ parking lot, but I’ll support anything they do as long as their food still tastes amazing,” Hymen said.
Clarissa Brown of Scranton says she hates the burger chain and thinks all five guys should be fired.
Clarissa explains it all in a blog post titled, “I’ve Been Anorexic, Bullied, A Contestant on American Idol and Nowwwww I’m AT A HEALTHY WEIGHT BECAUSE I’M VEGAN and hate burger joints.” In her blog, the vegan wrote that she thinks Five Guys should shut down and save the many gallons of water it takes to produce meat.
We stopped reading at that point because she’s clearly unstable.
The owners of the company didn’t respond to questions about the rumor when a Weekender reporter screamed at the top of their lungs hoping they’d hear.
Looks as though we’ll just have to wait and see.