I had a breakdown at Old Country Buffet

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First Posted: 12/14/2014

Like Pinterest and Ryan Gosling, body image is something only women think about. As a guy who recently had a breakdown while stuffing my face at an Old Country Buffet, alone, on a Saturday night, I can say that I had no shame about what I looked like.

I was driving to a convent to watch Lifetime with a group of nuns when I got lost. When I tried calling for assistance with directions, my phone struggled to find a signal.

I hadn’t been able to find a signal for two days and my phone provider told me there was nothing they could do about it. I had to rely on the help of Apple. After hours of arguing with supervisors that I shouldn’t pay for damage assessment over the phone, and even more time spent troubleshooting, the conclusion was I had to replace my phone. I was 20 days out of warranty, but Apple agreed to replace it as a one-time courtesy. Not sure why they made that offer but regardless, I was getting a new phone.

The only trouble was that I had to drive an hour and a half away to the nearest Apple store to avoid being without a phone for up to a week.

I wouldn’t have minded the drive, I just knew the only time I would ever break down would be if I was without a phone. I tried to get my sister to come for the trip, since my parents just bought her a brand new Mini Cooper that was less likely than my car to break down, but she wouldn’t go. I had no choice but to drive solo, with no phone in case of emergency.

The ride was fine. I was blasting Christmas music, enjoying my time alone and driving beyond the speed limit without getting caught.

Then, my car started shaking.

It felt like a flat. I pulled over to check and no flat tire. When I made it to the mall, I felt my car wobbling as I cautiously searched for a parking spot.

An Asian man with a really hot wife ran up to me.

“Your tire going to fall off. Your tire going to fall off,” he screamed, pounding on my passenger window.

It was true. My wheel was falling off.

I had no phone to call for help. Luckily, I was in walking distance to the Apple store. Once that problem was handled, I had another one to deal with.

Now that I had a brand new phone, my first call was to my dad to tell him I needed to borrow money for a tow and repair. He was less mad at me the day I used my one call from jail asking for bail money on his birthday — probably because I was 19. Now I am 28, which made me feel pathetic.

As I sat inside of a Pep Boys waiting for my car to get fixed, I noticed an Old Country Buffet within walking distance. Even though it was a Saturday night, and I was by myself, dressed like a gym teacher, I went, because I knew food would make me feel better. When I walked in, everyone was probably thinking, “Why is that good looking gym teacher at a buffet by himself on a Saturday night?”

I ate so much that when I left, they were probably thinking, “Why is Robert Kardashian eating at Old Country Buffet by himself on a Saturday night?”

Sorry, Mom and Dad, I ate until I couldn’t feel feelings anymore, because sometimes ten plates of mashed potatoes with dark gravy makes everything better.