Sign Language Your Weekly Constellation Prize

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First Posted: 10/27/2014

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I was poised to type your horoscope when a falling yellow leaf blew in the open window and landed under my fingers on the keyboard, prompting me to rethink exactly how I was going to word this week’s fortune. I’d envisioned something vague and gooey, like, “go with the flow,” but, given the intervention of autumn, I’ve rethought that intention. “The flow” is, apparently, more concrete than a feeling at the moment. Watch for specific cues from your environment as to which direction you should head, and how. Fortunately, the signs ought to be as clear and obvious as my yellow leaf; all that’s required is a willingness to heed them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Luckily, you excel at fascinatingly difficult choices like those you face this week. On the one hand, you’ve got some ancient dreams you’ve held on to for years, even decades now. They’re beautiful, spectacular, epic, like something out of a movie. The new dreams being presented to you on the other hand aren’t as dramatic or grand as your old ones, but they do possess one substantial improvement, despite their obvious flaws; they’re actually possible. I can’t tell you which is better—the newer, lesser dream, which is almost immediately achievable, or the older dream, whose splendor is incomparable, but which will probably never fully manifest. Good luck.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your heart is not a dog, whose natural functions can be put on a schedule: “Feed him now, he’ll shit at 9pm.” You can feed a canine the same kibble his entire life, and he probably won’t complain, but if you try to keep your emotional center on a rigidly controlled diet, I guarantee it’ll rebel. In fact, that’s more or less what it’s doing now; you’re having trouble recognizing the symptoms because this has never happened before, at least not quite to this degree. What does your heart need? New sources of nurture, exotic variety, excitement, a divergence from routine. It couldn’t be more simple, nor more fun.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

There’s a bar made entirely out of ice in Milan. If you want to visit it, you have to don special white boots and a polar garment, which serves to protect both you and the crystal clear ice chairs, tables, and the bar itself (until it’s ready to be re-sculpted with a new design in six months). I mention this frigid and clever gimmick because it closely resembles your current experience; you’re privy to a fascinating and special new world, but you have to take pains to protect yourself from it, too, lest it take you over or steal the life force that makes you you. Your new environment is not evil, any more than ice is—but it is dangerous. Wear layers—emotional, physical, or spiritual—that can let you enjoy it in safety and pleasure.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Some of your pet projects are tragically dying, as helpless as summer insects after fall’s first cold spell, twitching feebly and waiting, bewildered, for the end. There’s nothing you can do to save them—the bugs, or the concepts—only briefly postpone their demises. They’re doomed by time, and so beyond you. Let them go. Maybe even consider swiftly putting them out of their misery if a slow death saddens you. But be careful; a couple will surprise you by surviving; concentrate on their well-being and fruition all winter, and by spring you should have a whole bevy of new larval creations to nurture and tend.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

This week’s little-known fact about you Rams: you’re the most forgiving sign in the zodiac. Perhaps this is because when you get pissed off, you let it all out in one phenomenally dramatic and heartfelt explosion. Or maybe it’s because you’ve made so many gaffes yourself, and consequently required so much forgiveness. I urge you to advertise this benevolent (even saintly) aspect of your personality, because it’s a well-kept secret. There’s at least one person who believes he’s been written out of your life because of a screw-up you actually forgave ages ago. Let him know he’s welcome to step carefully back in.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You might as well be a snail, moving from place to place on a big wet muscular foot instead of the sneaker-clad pair you’ve mostly used up ‘til now. You’ll find that this method lets you squeeze and slide into locations you could never have achieved on your own two feet. Keep it up; thanks to your recent practice, your muscular tongue is getting better and better at lubricating locks and hinges so the list of available destinations is growing exponentially by the day. Resist the urge to revert to more traditional modes of conveyance, like walking or running, because they will limit you this week. Let your clever mouth move you instead.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your back gate echoes with furtive footfalls and keenly-delivered gossip; all the neighbors are running their mouths this week—about you, and about each other. Please stay out of it, despite the deliciously naughty temptation to roll up your sleeves and dive headlong into the muck. Let them hang out with the dirty laundry they’re so fond of, but keep yourself spotless and cheerful—and most of all, worry-free. Who gives a damn what those petty life-less rumormongers think or say? You’ve got more important (if less entertaining) business, and you know it. Keep your eyes and ears on that.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You’re only trying to give someone a hand—and the gesture is noted and appreciated—but it’s not doing anyone much good, otherwise. Sometimes you simply have to accept that you’re not in a position to help someone or fix something. You just have to let them suffer, as difficult as that is for you. The plain truth is that anything beyond a kind offer of aid would actually be a hindrance, and only make things worse, or at least more tiring on top of everything else. Keep your own wishes, intentions, and desires out of it. Assess your actual ability to help, not your willingness, and act on that.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Some people hate you. Yep, they despise the hell out of you. This may be hard to accept. For some Leos, it’s one of the most challenging lessons there is. “Why? Why? Why?” goes the refrain, until you finally realize that analyzing the phenomena to death is a really bad idea, and a pointless time-waster. This is just the way things go. Remember the cliché: You can’t please everybody. Keep that in mind this week, as you’re quite likely to encounter some of your most rabid anti-fans spewing phenomenal amounts of venom and spite. Step out of their way—and certainly don’t put up with any shit—but don’t try too hard to win them over. You just can’t.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You thought you were Wonder Woman, didn’t you? You’d looped someone in your Golden Lariat of Truth and were thrilled that you were finally going to get some honest answers. Only, the lasso tore, as frail as a bit of spray-painted string, and your interrogee fled the scene before they could be forced to reveal the innermost workings of their heart or diabolical mind. Now it occurs to you: you may have overestimated yourself and your ability to slide painlessly and effortlessly beneath the surface of things and people around you. It’s no big deal, though; now you’re just reduced to finding things out the old-fashioned way: asking.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This week, swear off your worst sexual habit. I’m not talking the filthiest thing you do, nor the laziest, necessarily—although it could be either. I’m referring to that one pattern you indulge in that you know isn’t good for you—or any of those involved. This is not about some bullshit outdated morality. This is about what’s right for you. You’ve used this habit as a bit of a crutch—perhaps for avoiding (or creating the illusion of) intimacy—but now it’s time to walk on your own two feet. It might make you scared, sore, miserable, lonely, or slow—but nevertheless better off.