Tequila is my holy water

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First Posted: 11/10/2014

I have always had an unassailable endearment for tequila. Some may call it a dependency, but as a liberal, I don’t pay too much attention to what grandstander doctors on a mission for unnecessary tax breaks have to say about my leisurely activities. Ever since I first barfed from a seven dollar bottle of the Mexican made spirit, I have been attached to tequila like baby North West is attached to her nanny.

Some people can’t handle tequila. They suggest it provokes outrageous behavior.​ To be fair, it does. To be completely honest, however, that’s exactly why I drink tequila – for the adventure. Think about it. When was the last time you heard a really good story start out with someone standing up to take charge of the room and say “This one time, I was drinking Chardonnay, and….”

You don’t.

Good stories come from an abundance of tequila in the bloodstream. Over the years, tequila has sort of become my holy water. I have discovered that tequila can be used in situations beyond body shots inside Asbestos-filled dive bars or even margaritas on the beach. When tequila is your holy water, there’s a lot you can do with it.

I remember a sorority pledge dressed as a pregnant nun at my fraternity’s Halloween party once told me Jesus turned water into wine. As someone who turned a student loan into a trip to Vegas, 12 bucks and a hangover, I like to imagine that I can also do a thing or two with tequila. Here are three of my favorite:

• The ‘Adios Motherf — er’

I was introduced to this drink when I was living in Brentwood, California, near the UCLA campus. The ‘go-to’ drink among students was something called an Adios Motherf —er. Drink one, and you’ll see why. Drink four, and you’ll get your stomach pumped. It’s stronger than a Long Island Iced Tea and tastes way better.

To make the drink, combine a shot of tequila with a shot of rum, vodka, gin and triple sec. Add melon flavored liqueur, a dash of sour mix and a dash of sprite, mix it and slurp it up.

• Margarita angel cake

Angel food cake is already so delicious and moist, but once you add tequila glaze to it, the delectable treat is worth risking diabetes for. Once you bake angel food cake, poke a few holes in it with a wooden skewer. To make the glaze, combine three tablespoons of sugar, four tablespoons tequila, three tablespoons triple sec, three tablespoons of lime juice and three more with water. Mix it for a minute or two and spread liberally across the cake, making sure it gets inside the hole. (Giggle, giggle.)

• Tequila body scrub

Don’t let Lindsay Lohan’s appearance fool you, alcohol doesn’t always make your body look like it was found in a lake three months after a bender at your college’s homecoming. It can actually help clarify and detoxify your skin. When I was in college, I stumbled upon a beauty blog in a porn search gone awry. It had a recipe for an exfoliant, with instructions to blend three cups of sea salt with three tablespoons of tequila and the juice of a fresh-squeezed lime. Make that your new face scrub and tequila will be your holy water, too.