I made out with my fraternity brother’s girlfriend at a strip club

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First Posted: 12/1/2014

I once made out with my fraternity brother’s girlfriend at a strip club. Sorry, Mom and Dad. I broke the “bro code”. However, once I went through her cell phone and read her text messages, I didn’t feel so guilty about it.

It was my last semester of college and my social circle was totally random. Most of the people I started my collegiate journey with had already graduated or advanced to grad school somewhere else. I shared a house with a group of black football players and the only white people I hung out with were the people who tipped me a lot at the bar where I worked. Oh, and my fraternity brother’s girlfriend. We’ll call her Ariana Grande in this story, because it might be the only time I ever have the chance to say I made out with Ariana Grande.

My fraternity brother, Kirby, was away at his first year of med school and his girlfriend worked at the pizza shop next door that was owned by the same guy who owned the bar. She would always come over after her shift and drink with me because she was also a super-senior and was bored without Kirby around.

One night the “little sister” I adopted as a sorority pledge, who transferred to a school in Jersey, came to town for a visit.

“Let’s go to the strip club and see some titties,” she suggested at 2 a.m. to me, my roommates and Ariana Grande.

In retrospect, it totally makes sense that she suggested this endeavor because she is now in a same-sex relationship. At the time, I just figured it was the original Four Loko recipe talking.

After three or four pitchers of beer split among us and countless one-dollar bills thrown at girls named after different candy bars, my “little sister” started making out with Ariana Grande. Again, a red-flag I didn’t pick up on. ​Next thing I knew, it was a three-way kiss with me in the mix. Next thing I knew, it was just me and Ariana Grande making out as my “little sister” was getting a lap-dance and my football-player roommates were cheering her on while dancing around like they were in the beginning credits of the “The Cosby Show.”

The next morning I woke up thinking, “Oh, no! I made out with Kirby’s girlfriend last night.​”

I felt like a scumbag.

I walked downstairs to see if she was there, hoping she didn’t leave feeling awkward about what happened while we were drunk. While passing my roommate’s bedroom, I heard him having sex with Ariana Grande.

I went in the kitchen to process what I just heard happening, where I found Ariana Grande’s cell phone sitting on the counter.

I noticed the screen said there was a message from our boss, so I read it to make sure she wasn’t supposed to be at work.

As I read the message history with our boss, I discovered a conversation about them having sex. I was listening to my fraternity brother’s girlfriend have sex with my roommate as I was reading her text messages about having sex with my married boss.

That, Mom and Dad, is why I don’t feel guilty about making out with my fraternity brother’s girlfriend at a strip club.

P.S. Ariana Grande dropped out of college when her relationship with the married boss ended, and according to Facebook is now engaged, eating healthy and owns a parrot.