Do’s and don’t’s for the hot holiday hook-up

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First Posted: 11/17/2014

If you’re anything like me and you made out with an ice luge last weekend, then it might be time to find a no-strings-attached hook-up. The sexual frustration from knowing the only reason the thing you’re licking was wet is because it was meltable is a feeling that only people in prison should be able to show empathy toward. Luckily, the holidays are here and that means It’s time to load your stuffing or get loaded with stuffing.

It’s the time of year when you don’t have work or school for a few days and you’re looking for that quick fling before you go back to the daily grind.

Whether you’re male, female, gay, straight, bi-sexual, transgender, black, white, yellow, pink, purple or John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, a holiday hook-up can be just what you need to recharge. Before you Snapchat former high school classmates and start flirt-texting your ex from middle school, take into account these do’s and don’t’s for having the hottest holiday hook-up:

• DO use Tinder and other hook-up apps

Hook-up apps are perfect for scoring the low-pressure, short-term hook-up. That’s what they were invented for. It’s quicker and easier than finding someone at the hometown dive-bar that all of your high school teachers – and the deaf townie who drives a motorcycle year-round – go to drink. At least on Tinder, when you see someone ratchet, you just make like Beyonce and go to the left, to the left. On the contrary, a quick swipe to the right can lead to a dance of swiping up and down, horizontal and inside-out.

• DON’T go to strip clubs

There are only two occasions it is acceptable to be at a strip club: If you’re out on the town for a bachelor party or if you are looking for a place to dance that will piss off your father. Don’t waste your money for a lap dance. That’s just pure laziness. Get your quick satisfaction from someone you can touch that doesn’t have a bouncer standing at the doorway.

• DO hit up the girl or guy on Facebook that all of a sudden became hot after high school

Everyone has that classmate that was awkward and got the ugly banged right out of them as soon as they lost their virginity in college. They’re hot now, so do it. They’ll appreciate it so much that you’ll kind of be like a hero. It’s a win/win situation.

• DON’T settle

If that cheerleader you wanted in high school now has stretch marks and three kids with three different ethnicities, and she comes up to you at the bar, don’t hook up with her just to say you hit it. She’s proven to be fertile, and getting stuck with child support is not sexy. Same with that football player who got fat and fixes cars in his garage for a living now.

• DO have fun with it

Sex is a great time. Knowing there are no expectations makes it even more enjoyable.

• DON’T forget it’s just sex

Savoring the chaste romance that comes with going on snowy-trailed walks or conversations at Starbucks over a warm Christmas Cookie Frappucino is a great setting for a Hallmark holiday movie starring D.J. Tanner from “Full House”, but shouldn’t be the setting for a holiday hook-up. Seal the deal fast and don’t get attached. After all, it’s just sex.