I have beef with a drag queen

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First Posted: 10/31/2014

The drag queen was late.

The freaking drag queen was late and I was starting to panic.

I never thought I would moan to my friends at a water park that a drag queen was running late.

It was the first official Friday of summer and I was hosting a special taping of my online talk show “The Millennials” at Montage Mountain’s water park. The park was staying open for a special late-night swim for me to film my show, which would include a same-sex wedding that I would officiate.

NEPA’s most famous female impersonator, Estella Sweet, agreed to sing John Legend’s “All of Me” as the couple walked on the stage set up in front of the wave pool. Now that Estella Sweet was running late, I had no idea how the wedding ceremony segment would start out if she wasn’t on time.

“What’s a drag queen?” my friend Jon asked when I approached a table of my friends with my predicament.

Everyone stood their silent.

“You’re kidding me, right?” I said.

“What’s a drag queen? Is that like a girl who is high maintenance?” Jon asked.

The silence ended right there. Everyone exploded with laughter.

“What’s so funny? Is a drag queen like a slut?” he continued to ask, confused.

“More so a little rough and burly than slutty,” asserted my friend Samantha.

“Oh, so a drag queen is like a tomboy?” Jon asked.

We decided to just tell him that a drag queen was actually a girl who is high maintenance. At this point, I decided to have a little fun with the situation by capturing this outrageous moment through a series of SnapChats.

“Have you ever had sex with a drag queen?” I asked Jon, while taking a video on SnapChat.

“I don’t know, probably,” Jon answered.

Once I secured the most epic SnapChat ever, I told him a drag queen was a dude.

Before I could even laugh at him for his ignorance, I got a phone call from Estella.

“I’m so sorry, Justin. I never cancel a gig, but I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to make it,” Estella said.

Suddenly, the region’s most adored drag queen became my nemesis. Sorry, Mom and Dad.

Since I know Estella Sweet is really a good person, because I read it on Facebook somewhere once, I’m willing to ammends. That is, however, once Estella Sweet earns it. In true drag style, Estella will have to lipsync for her life – in a lipsync battle against me.

Estella Sweet, you have until the stroke of midnight on Dec. 1, 2014, to accept the challenge. Rule number one is to pick a date and time that doesn’t interfere with me watching the final season of my favorite show “Parks & Recreation”. You must accept the challenge via video – while holding a fork with spaghetti sauce on it or an empty can of green beans – and tag the Weekender’s Facebook page in it.

We will both lipsync three songs. The winner will be determined by applause from the crowd. Accept this challenge, and we will no longer have beef. Ready, set, lipsync!