6 reasons stage-5 clingers make the best girlfriends

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First Posted: 10/21/2014

Everybody is guilty of a little Facebook stalking, right?

I’ll admit I have two Facebook accounts to monitor former hookups that have blocked me. What I won’t admit is whether or not that is the truth talking or the leftover Jello-O shots I had for breakfast this morning.

In a tale as bizarre as time spent at a trailer park rave, a California woman took stalking an ex to a whole new level by climbing down his chimney.

The incident made headlines when a 28-year old woman named Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa spied on her ex by climbing down his chimney and got stuck. It took a team of firefighters two hours to rescue her after dismantling the chimney brick by brick.

With antics like this, Nunez-Figueroa might be the new Miley Cyrus. #LoveMoneyPartyChimney

I mean seriously, though. How did she expect things to pan out? Did she think she was going to overhear something, pop out of the fireplace covered in chimney smoke and say “I knew it!”?

The firefighters ultimately had to use dish liquid soap as lubricant to squeeze her out. I’m thinking some birds affected by the BP oil spill are going to lose a Dawn dishwashing detergent campaign to one crazy ex. Now that’s a commercial I’d watch. A crazy ex trying to get the chimney smoke off her body from stalking her former man.

All jokes aside, Nunez-Figueroa may sound crazy, but having a clinger girlfriend isn’t always a bad thing. It can actually be a good thing. Here are six reasons a stage-5 clinger actually makes the best significant girlfriend.

1. You don’t have to worry about her cheating on you. There won’t be any time in-between spending every moment with you and calling you every 15 minutes to see where you are not together.

2. Sure, she may be sitting across the bar disguised in a wig to make sure you aren’t cheating on her when you’re out with your boys, but at the end of the night she’ll take that wig off and be your designated driver if you get too drunk.

3. You won’t have to worry about keeping up with all of your text messages from your friends because she’ll grab your phone every time you go to the bathroom and tell them you’re busy with the love of your life.

4. You’ll never have to masturbate again. She’ll do anything you want as often as you want it because she’ll be too afraid to lose you.

5. You’ll never have to do laundry again. She’ll do your laundry, hoping to find the hints of a girl’s fragrance or smeared bronzer.

6. Your chimney will always be clean, because she might be hiding in it to catch you in a lie.