First Posted: 3/27/2015
March 31-April 6, 2015
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Call your parents and tell them you love them, because one of your parents is going to die soon. It will be unexpected, but you will find peace in knowing that you had the opportunity to express how you feel. Remember, they will always be with you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A former friend will find their way into your life again. It is only natural for you to be suspicious, but don’t let that get in the way of rebuilding a strong relationship that you know you really want. Don’t bring up the past, as tempting as it may be. It will only make things awkward and distance you both once again. Instead, take the time to recognize how both of you have grown and learned from your mistakes. People come in and out of your life for a reason, and people come back in your life for a reason.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Someone is jealous of you. Keep a low profile for the next couple of days and stay off the internet, because rumors will be surfacing about you all over social media — and they will be nasty rumors. The kind of rumors that will make you lose friends and make people afraid to have sex with you. The person starting these rumors will be obvious, but don’t add fuel to the fire. They want a reaction, but don’t give them a reaction. That will only make things worse. Keep your head up high, though. The jealous person will be exposed for who they are eventually. Just wait it out.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
The astrological wind is blowing right into your private parts, Cancer, as the opportunity to get laid is coming your way. You have been working way too hard lately and you’ve been slacking when it comes to checking Tinder. Well, you have a ton of matches, and they’re all horny. So message them, and see what happens. Don’t worry about what other people will say, because it’s nobody else’s business. Everyone needs some good sex. Have fun. Be safe.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’ve been holding in your feelings for a while now, but it’s time to throw some uncensored emotion at the person at work who is making your life so stressful. Tell them how you really feel. Call them vulgar words. You will feel so much better getting all of that off your chest. You think you’re doing the right thing by being polite, but you’re not. Holding your feelings in is making you emotionally constipated, and to be frank, it’s time to shit. Don’t be afraid, at the end of the day, that person you hate, will wind up respecting you. Just don’t get too close to them. They’re toxic. And they’re ugly. You don’t need a DUFF.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Someone else’s inefficiency at work has been making you look good, so you have been slacking. Now it’s time to check yourself before you wreck yourself. You know you’re meant for bigger and better things. Just because the other people you work with aren’t going anywhere, doesn’t mean you want to get on their level. Be the first person to show up for work and be the last person to go home. Even though everyone else is counting the clock waiting to leave, you have a game plan and want to get to the next level. Stepping it up will improve your confidence and sex drive. Also, someone will be making prank phone calls to you and it’s someone from your past that wants to hurt you physically.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You want that summer body but you’re not doing anything about it. Instead of complaining, just have another piece of cake. You’re not going to lose weight until you get rejected by a few more men, so just have the cake and enjoy it. Oh, and when someone asks you to go to the movies this weekend, don’t go. Your friend will find someone else to go with and will wind up getting into a car accident. You don’t have time for that.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You of all people ought to have learned the value of tact by now. You’re all too aware that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but you also know that you’re far more likely to get what you want if your wheel makes music rather than just producing an irritating whine. Please do call as much attention to yourself as necessary to catalyze some action, but don’t be obnoxious about it. Insufferable complaining will only result in spit in your soup and red-flagged notes in a customer service database. Making nice, however, won’t drive anyone insane or make you look horrible, and it’ll get results you’ll like.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
For years, you were steered by that tired myth about a straight line representing the shortest distance between two points. But the last few months you’ve been trying to play with new ways of getting to where you want to go, and finding out, that because life is much more complicated than junior high geometry, the shortest path from here to there is often really convoluted and doesn’t necessarily come naturally to you Sags, whose deepest instinct is to simply shoot an arrow at a target and hit it. Circle round, Sag. Even though your destination has been out of sight for longer than you can remember, you’re actually closer than you’ve ever been; in other words, it’s just around the next corner.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Stage a jailbreak. The astrological soil is just wet enough to allow a spoon-dug tunnel beneath the razor wire-topped outer walls and attack hounds of your internal prison, but not so moist and muddy that it’ll collapse and bury you utterly. Don’t hesitate, Cap. True, you’ve been inside so long that the outside world may seem really big and scary. You might be worried that you no longer have enough resilience or flexibility to be effective out there any more. Forget that ludicrousness. If I were you, the only thing that’d concern me is getting out before the guard tower spotlight sweeps by again.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your girlfriend is putting holes in your condoms. Take her straight to the doctor for that birth control shot and watch her get it. She’s a lot of fun and doesn’t care who you’re texting, but she’s not the woman you want to be the mother of your children.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re downright delicious. Get down with your bad self and look in the mirror, because your looks are about to fade really soon from a tragic accident. It might be a fire. It might be a car accident. It might be a stray dog that attacks you. Regardless, your looks will unexpectedly fade faster than you’re anticipating.
