I love you but I won’t forgive you

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First Posted: 2/16/2015

Every day in the newspapers, headlines are filled with stories about drug busts, overdoses, crimes and violence. The stories never tell you what is left behind when there is something new to write about. What are the ripple effects? Ten years ago, one of my closest childhood friends was taken from me. After a long struggle with drugs and addiction, one day she went on a drug trip and never came home.

It has been a decade and I am still so full of emotions and unanswered questions. How could she be so selfish? Didn’t she see what it was doing to the people around her? She had so many people she meant the world to and still chose to pick heroine. I am angry, hurt, sad and confused.

I wanted to write a letter to her letting her know there are still people who miss her and think about her every single day. Maybe somewhere in the cosmos she will see this, or maybe there is someone else out there going through the same struggle that could benefit from reading this. Sometimes we do not see the effects our actions have on others until it is too late.

Dear Sara,

It has been 10 years. You have no idea how much you have missed. So many of us have done such great things with our lives whether it is our careers, children, marriages or crazy adventures, you missed it. You missed all of it, and I will never forgive you for it.

Our entire circle of friends grew up together. We helped each other through the struggles of adolescence; we laughed, cried, fought, travelled, were silly, were serious, stayed up all night and felt invincible.

We were not invincible. You left us and chose drugs. The drugs took you from us in every way that someone could be taken. You fell down that rabbit hole and by the time you decided to climb out it was too late. My daughter needed an Aunt Sara to teach her about the Muppets, good music and acceptance of silly girls who ate way too much Denny’s and dyed their hair hot pink on a whim.

We all reached out to help you, to offer a hand that you couldn’t reach because the drugs had gotten stronger than your will. How could you do this to us? To yourself? To your family? Random day trips to Knoebels have never been the same without you. I can’t walk into Hot Topic and not feel your presence there. You left so much of yourself behind because you left us too soon. You had so much more to do here.

I wish you would have thought about the ripple effect of your actions. You were never alone and when the drugs took you, they also took a part of everyone else.

Ten years. It has been 10 years and I still think about you every day. Sometimes I still get the urge to pick up the phone and call you only to remember that you won’t be at the other end of the line with a sarcastic, smart ass comment about my daily blond moments. The second I feel like I am ready to forgive you, I see another name in the news of another soul lost to drugs and I just get mad at you all over again. I may never forgive you, but I will certainly never forget you.

I love you and miss you. Ten years, 30 years or 100 years later; you should be here and I want you to know, you will always be loved. Rest easy my dearest friend.